Yesterday was our therapy session with the kids to talk about the change. At 2 and 3 yrs old, it kind of went over their heads for the most part. That only took a few minutes and then the therapist kind of probed into the relationship a little bit and suggested (at my request) co-parenting sessions on occasion. W agreed at that time but said she did NOT want to talk about the relationship. She was her now usual nasty self, being sarcastic, telling half truths during the session, etc.
Later in the evening, she told me that she changed her mind and didn't want to see that therapist because she felt like she was "too clinical" and didn't "honor her truth". This is jargon the W gets from her therapist, who is a total hippy dippy and anti-diagnosis and anti-medication. I feel like the W seeing this therapist make her more angry and self-centered in this whole thing. Of course, nothing I can do about that. She simply refuses to see another therapist than the one she is with now. I finally texted her in the evening and said she needed to be more civil with me...at least in front of the kids and that it isn't fair to them if one of us can't spend a holiday or bday with them just because we can't get along.
During therapy I was asked why I thought the kids being with me more was a good idea and I stupidly spouted off about how I think W is emotionally unstable and not thinking clearly at this time. Whoops. OH WELL.
Kids spent their first night at mommys house and it was very hard for me to hand them over and go home to an empty house. It is a nice break for a couple days but I still hate the fact that they are not sleeping in their beds and I miss them a lot.
I also paid the attorney yesterday and will be getting the separation agreement drafted shortly. After getting through the courts we are looking at about a month until it is finalized.
That is where I am at right now. Lots of mixed feelings - anger, sadness, hopelessness but happiness (that I don't have to deal with her immature emotional attitude throughout the day), worry that my kids will want to be with her more as they get older (probably unlikely but a HUGE FEAR of mine), uncertainty about the future. You see, being transgender, it is difficult to find a woman that shares my values that is also OK with being with a transman. I have fairly traditional values in some aspects - I am a die hard libertarian - I love my guns, prepping, homesteading, outdoor stuff, etc. Seems like a lot of the women out there that would consider me as a partner are more city girls with more progressive values like the W and don't have any interest in those things. Again, I am just worrying about the future for which I have know advance knowledge of. I don't HAVE to be with someone, but I like the idea of sharing a life with someone else. I thought that is what I had with W - but apparently not.
Anyway - just blabbering, journaling. I hope that in the future I can come back to all that I have written and get some perspective on things.
