Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[SH_]

Rose, I will jump over to your thread and share some ideas and thoughts to see if you can take anything away that may aid you.

Phoebe! My dear sweet Phoebe!
Slow down already.
Hey I thought I was the crazy GALer round here, but holy cow are you just on the go go go! LOL
Seriously YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Live it up and have some of that fun now.
Pace yourself though.
We aint 21 any more.

So, I want to try a serious update as I have many things that have happened since my last real journal update.
I do want to bullet point it so as not to bore my devoted readers and followers.

Seriously, I want to jot down the things that were a big enough impact to be thought about, pondered upon and have had an influence on me. It has been just over 1 month since I documented some actual journaling of events.

So I am going to title this,

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly!


The Good
It was a Birthday month as D18, D6 and myself all turned 1 year older. We partied for each of us and had a wonderful time.
Boy, did I get a lesson in throwing a 6 year old little girls party. I tip my heat to all the moms that do this stuff regularly. It turned out great and the lil one had a blast.
A friend from work took care of me for my B day. Took me to a ball game and we had awesome seats. Then he took me to see Suicide Squad. it was alright, but fun to hang out.
My girls also set up a small party for the 3 of us in which we went to breakfast and then to a place here to bowl and play games. More for d6, than anything, but it was a fun time.

D18 found the most awesome job. She is such an example of not following the crowd or status quo no matter how much pressure she gets from peers or family. She is working at a start up digital marketing company, getting paid really well. Started off as her looking for an internship to do what she is interested in (marketing), offered a paid job part time instead, was just asked last week to be full time and the company is growing. The things she is learning are amazing.
When I am asked why she is not starting college, I respond, "Because she is getting an education. " She loves the opportunity and is doing well.
D18 has made some huge strides in her social realm. I reported a breakdown for her, and she has turned it into a success and self created challenge. She is such an example to me. Goodness how lucky am I to have a daughter like her???

D6 has been off to a great start in first grade. She is doing pretty well in spite of the situation. She is always so cheerful and happy when she is with me. Just a sweetheart through and through.

I am still employed, although my employer is at a cross roads and I may have to move on to another opportunity sooner than I would like to under the circumstances. But hey, after what I have been through the last 6 months. I think I can handle that if it happens. Meanwhile I am looking to set up some proactive options.

2 weeks ago I attended a leadership seminar at work and it was put on by a woman that has been names as one of the top woman business coaches in my area and has been working with a number of fortune 500 companies etc.
Now the reason I mention this, is because as she was presenting healthy successful ways to progress through change, she shared a little bit of her story.

Her story was that 7 and a half years ago, she had been married about 10 years, had 2 small daughters and was working with her husband in a couple of small businesses.
She then shared how she remembers it like yesterday.
It was the end of a long work day and her H needed his phone. She went to grab it for him, so he could finish up something on the computer. As she grabbed the phone a message on the screen caught her attention. It said, "I love you and I can't wait to see you."
She had not sent this text to her husband.
He left the next day to hook up with an old GF from high school. She was left with her daughters, over 40000 dollars in debt from the businesses and a broken heart.
Not even 1 minute to Db is she wanted to.
Do you know what she did next?
Yup, set up the thriving professional coaching business that she runs and is on the top of the world.
Single mom. Debt out of her ears. On her own.
She overcame the BD.
I can overcome it.
And each of you LBS reading this sure as heck can as well.
You simply have to want to.

I am in a good place overall. Fighting some demons that existed for me before the BD, but now my perspective on things and temperament is much different, so maybe it was all for a reason.



The Bad
The day after my B day, I was getting ready to go to church and then just broke down and cried. Came out of no where and I could not put my thumb on exactly what the trigger or cause was. I was able to pull myself together, but ended up just staying in all day and relaxing.
WTF????

d18 has had a couple of breakdowns as she has ventured into the social world. It has been a learning lesson for me. But she is prevailing.

d18 has seen her IC several times and feels it is helping her. She is learning how to manage her mothers behaviors with love and boundaries.

d6 was off for a bit over the past month. Little comments and conversations that just break my heart, but she to appears to be prevailing and handling this like a champ as well.
Still keeping my eye in it.

My support group has dwindled and now I am thinking of distancing myself from a good friend of 30 years, because his sitch with his WW is wearing me out. He complains regularly about it and the thing is, his WW is actually trying to piece. He cannot get over the hurt and it may blow up the whole thing. Nothing she does is good enough, even though she does what he wants. But, when I need someone to chat with he is always busy or hard to get a hold of. He is the quintessential MR Nice Guy as I understand the info on this.

I am hiding and go through the same routines. I know it is not going to help me move forward, but I feel frozen and with out directions right now.

The Ugly

The relationship between my d18 and her mother is deteriorating more and more. Her mom complains that she never goes to see her. D18 says that when she goes, her mother ignores her.
They fight on the phone when d18 does not jump at everything her mom wants. And when I say fight, I mean, D18 sticks to the boundaries and consequences and her mother kicks, screams throws out guilt trips, hangs up and refuses to acknowledge d18 saying I love you mom, and does not ever say she loves d18.
She also stalked d18 this past Monday. D18 turned down an invite from her mother as it was a last minute one, and she already had plans with friends. She told her mother she was going hiking and told her where.
Mom showed up, acted surprised to run into d18, akward exchange of pleasantries and then d18 said she had to go to take friends home. This bothered her for the rest of the day.
What the...????

Over a month and still no idea what the deal is with the D. I got all the docs to my L 3 and half weeks ago. Have a couple of calls out the week and no word yet.
STBX was snappy about this a couple of weeks ago, because her L told her they needed the proposed holiday schedule. She asked me why, I responded that she could ask her L why. He requested it. She said, your L requested it from mine. I said, okay. she said you don't know why. I said, I am not interested why, my L is handling it. She got nasty with her witch cackle.....uh, hat was not very nice of me...but hey, that is what it sounds like when she is trying to belittle me and does not know what to say.
I simply responded that it might be best if she want to have an adult conversation we could do it another time as d6 did not need to hear this. She tried the witch cackle again, but it seemed to catch in her throat and she just rolled her eyes.
I smiled and bid her good day....good day...I said good day!! (That 70 show for reference)

I am going to try and go in and conquer some of these demons of mine, or at least throw a bridle on them and take control of where they walk. Still stuck in a limbo state, but not really stuck if that makes any sense.

So that is an update and the events that remain in my mind from the past month and hold some value to my thoughts.

Onward I will go.
Life is about growth and progress.
Bumps in the road will happen.
I will look at this as an opportunity to learn and grow.
A setback is a setup for a comeback. Once one realizes that we do not control everything and that bad things happen to good people we can push on.
Why should I think that I am immune from something like this?
Great and successful people throughout history arrived after a tragedy of sorts.
This is the story of my tragedy.....
And I will write until which time I can describe the triumph after said tragedy.

May you each have a peaceful rest and experience calm so that you can take the next step in your journey.

"The tragedy of life is not that we die, but is rather, what dies inside a man while he lives." -Albert Schweitzer

“It is not triumph which defines a man, but tragedy. Triumph always brings out the best in men, but tragedy shows us what we are made of.” -― Jocelyn Murray