Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[CT1118]

Eric/Mach1 -

I will start with Eric's last question - how's my day so far: First part very tiring due to work and some emergency chaos which was preceded by all the tropical storm damage last weekend and responses to that, so catching up with bad sleep and deep evenings studying. Second part, had my son tonight which is always cool.
And do note I will come back to all those questions, but my not make it verbatim - exhausted.

Mach1 - were, are, want to be? Childhood of being shown I was no good combined with the ego of a young man who found success on his own led to me becoming an overachieving professional superstar who grabbed every mentor, teacher, coach, certification, accreditation, volunteer opportunity, networking opportunity, make more more successful moment I could find. The downside part of this was that I was impatient for success, aggressive in character, spoke out of turn, commanding as a leader, knowitall, and defended my professional success and time against against anything which I felt threatened or challenged it. Success in the professional world led to a general belief that I was correct about most things in my personal life. I would lead before I would follow and be damned if I didn't. Now the above is the first 30 years; it all did calm down at some point, but it did not go away. That's who I was. That led to drug addiction, stress, lethargy, and not liking myself very much, if at all. So while it calmed down, it came back with the birth of my son, flashback movies of childhood in my brain, fear I would become my abusers and arguably I got worse than I ever was - I was a drug addict, a poor husband, an inattentive father, and a narcissist - and a socially functional version of all that. So typical for the script: awarding winning professional, loved by all at work and play - failing at home. I could not fix anything from a position where I was broken, but it was from there I had to start.

Who I am - I had to fail to become who I am. I had to crash so I could burn. I had to fall so far behind so that I would become my own leader. There is a beauty in crisis: it sets you free to awaken and aim towards a horizon. I am not where I want to be, but I am on that path. I am a great father now. I am sober (about to be 7 months). I am doing so much for me and in a way that impacts others. I am back in shape, I am taking charge of my health. I am a seeker of methods tools and opportunities to improve myself. I am more honest with myself and others, I am more open to other humans and make an effort to be friendly and engage. I am a great friend to many. I am working on being a better son by paying attention to my parents. I am a better employee, a better leader, a better everything because I am feeling better about me. I am also, most importantly, not finished and have miles to go.

And how it ties to where I want to go? There's positive stuff in who I was. I gave a great deal to my community. I am a sought after expert in what I do for a living. I have a reputation for mentoring and teaching young professionals - I want to keep that, I enjoy being known for that, I want to build that. I know what I don't want and who I don't want to be. Who I am now is helping me identify the positives and negatives of who I was, and this leads to mission and vision. So where do I want to go (day by day). I want to go to a place for myself where I am living my life with honesty. Not hiding things from me or from other people. Being genuine. Being inspirational, not for ego, but because inspiration helps others. I want to know how to love myself and let others in. I want to be permanent. I am getting there, I will get there. And when I do, I will look forward yet again.

Alright - all I got for tonight. Was not even sure I had this much in me and there's a little black dog in my apartment who most likely wants my feet so he has somewhere to rest his head.