Once again, my enthusiasm got the better of me. It's hard to explain why the chapter in Passionate Marriage rang a bell with me. The book IS extremely "heady" and I can't do it justice here. The example case reminded me of my R and explained quite a few of the dynamics that we are experiencing. I'll buy the book soon though it's exhausting to read.
I'm in Dallas now at my folks. Yesterday I bought Gottman's "The Relationship Cure" off the Apple Music Store and put it in my iPod. I listened to about 3 hours of it and it really explained a lot to me. You see, reading Passionate Marriage showed me an example of "cracking" the wife to "open up " and get "real". However, the Relationship Cure explains everything about communication and was excellent in covering all types of relationships including those with my D5 and co-workers. I had at least 2 breakthroughs while listening to this. 1. I saw how MY communication skills have affected us and realize that I have a LOT of work to do on myself. 2. I realized that my C could approach us from the "communication" angle instead of trying to crack my W. So Corri...you are absolutely right...I should take my W with me monday, let the C do her thing, and just see what *WE* think afterwards. This is the first time I've read something that made me want to be really kind and compassionate to my W versus "bringing down thy word from on high".
Seriously, listening to the Relationship Cure gave me a good dose of hard medicine that I needed. My W should listen to it too because of her "mean spirited" communication style. We're both at fault and could stand to improve this area of our R. I used some of the techniques with my traditionally stoic mom today and immediately saw her (trying to) open up a little more and get real. I then used some of the techniques with my W and we seem to be having a really nice time together.
Anyway, I hate being a "book freak" and request that you slap me if I quote an authors to boost a position. I do find that books force me to introspect better and I'm starting to see the difference between the "pop" psychologists and the "real" ones.
What's really interesting is that my journey started with an examination of a lack of sex. Then I discovered a broader problem of "relationship needs" (LLs), then I saw that there might be some extremely deep issues in my W which no amount of LLs will fix (remember my post about the fact that LLs don't work on a spouse that doesn't like you), and now I see that it might be a much simpler case of communication which I have been clinically diagnosed in '95 as having an impaired sense of "non verbal" communication. So yep...it's all my fault....just kidding....um...not really. In other words, I'm working my way down the ladder to the lower rungs...the fundamentals like communication.
I've also decided to simply "back off" on pressuring my W to do *anything* because I'm obviously still in the "information gathering" phase. It's simply too early to start the "real" repair and my efforts will only annoy my W right now. I will say that I'm on the verge of "seeing" the entire recovery process. Being able to visualize it will be key to my sanity. I'm blabbing...sorry. Anyway, this is the first time I've felt optimistic without ANY help from my W. Granted, she will need to do some work on herself too, but maybe the C can just be a coach who gains both of our trust and holds us accountable instead of forcing me to. Mmmmmm....that would be nice. I hate being a cop.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
