After several really nice days, almost weeks, when I was feeling quite comfortable around my H and the fact that he comes to the house as he pleases, meaning on his schedule, I sent him an e-mail with quite a few things that will definitely bring us back to being weird around each other.
It was a reply to his e-mail in which he informed me that he signed a lease for a flat far from home. A debate we had before holidays. He did not sign then as I told him I did not like the fact that it's far from home and therefore kids would not go visit by themselves.
When we came back from holidays he said he does not have anything yet but that he visited a lot of places, nothing as good as the one he saw before but keeps looking. The day when he had to move out of the former flat he brought a lot of his stuff home (I insisted, he wanted to leave at in the car, at work etc... I mean how would it look like... he was happy I offered to keep it at home until he founds something more permanent and moved his stuff in).
He told me he stayed the first night in a hotel and then had a short term flat for a week. I did not believe him completely but a charge on the credit card confirmed so I was happy he wasn't lying (suspected he may be staying with his muse). I also saw that he had info on a few flats closer to our area so a little hope that he is starting to realize that it's important that he lives close to the kids. At the same time I suspected he is just waiting for the deposit he had at a bank for the other flat to be released before he signs a new one. Sure enough, it's the case. While I was expecting the worst, deep down I hoped he really wants to be there more for the kids and wants to reassure them that he's not that far. Apparently not. I was soooo disappointed!
And I shared my disappointment with him in the e-mail. Worse than that, some things I said can be interpreted (and for sure will be interpreted by MLCer) as a criticism... I also said quite a few nice things about him but I'm sure those will not be noticed. So, I guess, I pushed him back to not trusting me to share stuff with me (again).
I just don't understand how he can be so selfish and not care at all about their feelings. He told me after holidays he wants to be more present than before holidays and that he enjoys kids' company. He asked if I would be ok with him coming to the house when he "can" (it's clear it means when he "wants" or doesn't have better plans) and I just let him know when we are not there. It's crazy as it would mean I need to tell him everyday our whereabouts but I agreed as I was really happy he finally found interest to spend more time with them. It's not always convenient that he comes as he pleases but I still accepted it (though I'm not informing him about when we leave the house, that's just a bit too much).
As it seems, while it's ok for him to come whenever he wants, no one can possibly invade his privacy, so he made sure that he is far enough for kids to even thing about showing up one day at his door w/o notice.
I know I should have said something else or let it be as I cannot change it anyway. It was just too much. I'm not hurting much anymore when he says or does something negative in relation to me. I don't take it personally anymore (most of the time). But when it's about kids I just cannot let it be (a lioness!).
I also asked in the same e-mail to think about financial proposal. He still gets allowances for kids which I think should now go to me. He pays charges for the house as it is automatically charged to his account. But I think I prefer to pay those charges myself if he has a problem with it (even though he shouldn't as he pays nothing for kids so at least pays for that). I cannot complain though, he does pay any bills that arrive, even insurance for my car, that is the reason I did not insist on any discussions on his before. Apart from a discussion on credit cards some month ago (that's always been his problem. Charging but not repaying fully). He was also quite careful spending money before holidays, as we spent all our savings on buying a new flat in a country we call home and where we spend quite a few weekends and holidays. We had a small one but always wanted slightly bigger. So that's what we did. It was his way "to show me that he means it to work on the marriage and wishes to spend the rest of our lives together". That was more than a year ago... I was quite uneasy about that investment even though it was a good buy but spending all savings on it plus getting a mortgage... But since I always believed in investment into property I went for it and I'm really happy I did.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is that he was very careful with money before holidays but I do not trust it will continue like that for long (and again I shared this information with him in the e-mail...). He did a few MLC purchases. Exactly a year ago he bought some Apple products including Apple TV that are still in their original packaging with a price tag on. He never touched it since he brought it home (he was still living here).
I don't even want to see what he will reply. I hope he won't. And that we will just sit down one of these days and agree who pays what and how much he sends me, even if only for me to put it on the kids savings accounts. Just out of principle. He cannot get allowances when he does not live in the same household and does not really raise the kids...
Off to bed now. Feel slightly better after writing about it.
