Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

Hi Job and Irish,

The Elvis show was fun. He had the perfect voice, just not so much the moves, but he has been doing this awhile, not the young pup he used to be. When I told my son about the show, he said, who is Elvis?? Lol. I showed him pics and videos, he MUST know who Elvis was!

So Job, the problem is, I don't want H to gravitate towards my me. I yearned for that for years, but right now, it feels too little too late. And at this point, and after laying it all on the table and being once again shot down, NOW he keeps wanting to do dinner? Why???

A lot of thinking has been going on here, and I have been going back to his last declaration, of times when he felt so neglected. The thing is, he couldn't see I was drowning, I was depressed with having to leave my baby with strangers in order to work and I was overwhelmed in not only trying to spend those few hours each night with my son, but also take care of everything else. H could not see any of that, he was too busy feeling sorry for himself because he was not getting enough attention. My H has split up his family because he was not getting enough attention. And his mom jumped right on the wagon with him, a woman who got to be a stay home mom until H started kindergarten. She had no idea what I was going through and should have stayed out of it, and instead, they labeled me with "coddling". It continues to infuriate me but bottom line, H needs a mother, not a wife. I am not that person.

I am a strong woman who needs a strong man, a partner, a teammate who will get into the trenches with me, who can tell me, we are in this together. That is not H. I feel I am being punished for some of my darkest days. I see no hope that he could ever be that man. What would happen during the next big life change that is sure to happen? At this time, I don't see him being a man I could depend on, so any further hope, time or energy spent on working towards an R is a waste of time.

The things that drew us together no longer exist. I am not angry at him for that, just disappointed and have lost my respect in him.

I am however seeing changes in him towards his son, in finally just accepting him for who he is and for what his hobbies are. In fact, when H picked up S the other day, he asked S, who was in comfy jammies, to change into clothes so they could stop by the store. When S came out, H said to him, why are you all dressed in black!? It's hot outside! You could see the frustration on S face, so I said, hey, you asked him to get dressed and he did....H corrected himself before I could finish and softly asked S, are you sure you don't want shorts on? S said no. I could see H caught himself and am seeing it more often. Most important to me in coming out of this situation is to see H and S in a solid R. It seems to be important to H too.

I know I will be just fine, if not better off

[job]

Your h is sensing your changes, i.e., pulling back. Remember the dance? As you pull away from the situation, the more he's going to gravitate towards you. When we drop the rope, the pressure is off and they need to reach out and touch us to make sure we are still there, be it a reaction or a word, they have to see if what they are sensing is real. In your case, I think your h is afraid that you are moving forward and he's going to be left behind or out of the picture. He knows that something is different about you and he's trying to figure it out. He stills needs that one little thread to stay attached to you.

Maybe your h is finally starting to see what you've been telling in all along about his son. Let's the bond continues to grow. Too much time has been lost thus far w/his son and w/you.

You are going to be just fine. You are a very independent young lady and have survived on your own thus far. I don't see any of that changing in the near future. If anything, you will continue to grow by leaps and bounds...and your son...what a great young man you have there.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job. My little guy is amazing. I am doing my best to let him enjoy being a child, but I sense he is realizing he is the man of the house.

Oh yes, I know the dance. But I'm not playing anymore. I'm tired of it, so I guess now I learn how to be politely unavailable, it's new territory for me. I do however value our friendship and want to keep that in tact. And no more R talks either. In one last rant, I am tired of being made to feel that I did something so completely horrible and unforgivable, while he seems to feel his actions are justified and proper. It sickens me, whether it's MLC, simply not wanting to be married anymore, or simple stubbornness...who knows. Either way, I have stepped out of the game.

Thanks for listening and thank you for your support Job! Hope all is good in your neck of the woods!

[CaliGuy]

Checkin in on you ... I need to read up and catch up ... hope all is well.

[mleigh4]

Cali! You are back from your China trip? I am good, just adjusting to many internal changes.....but really good

Can't wait to catch up on how you are doing as well.

[HaWho]

So nice to hear an update from you! Been thinking about you.

Wow, so impressive the fundraising your son did! My son's school does a similar fundraiser. It's an awesome program all around.

My h LOVES "the dance." Little does he know I have thrown my dance card into the recycling bin.

[mleigh4]

Hi HW. Yes, your H does love the dance! I threw away my card too

Well, we are trying to coordinate selling the RV. The conversation, as usual, got all twisted around when I offered to H to buy me out for only what I put in so he could keep it, and I would relinquish my community property rights, since it really was a gift from his dad. He got all riled up, misunderstood what I was saying, lashed out on my text messages, so I finally just called him. Told him flat out to calm down and get a grip. That I was being very nice with the offer, as I don't need to, but am out of respect for his dad's intent.

He calmed down, but I thought in my mind, splitting up assets is going to be an absolute nightmare when dealing with this ding dong. Anyway, we decided to sell and split the funds, definitely in my benefit. I then can put the money towards a new truck for S and I since my Pathfinder just passed 140k miles. H then got excited to help me shop for one.

The flip, from enemy to BFF is so exhausting with him.

The good thing was, I didn't get that twinge of fear in me, when talking about things that will come up "at the table". It seemed H was the one that reacted from it this time. Me.....well, the only feeling I got was the urge to just be done and over with this.

Hope you are all having a great day!

[mleigh4]

Oh then, after acting like I was trying to pull one over on him, he offered to help financially with a new truck if needed. What???

Very nice offer, but no more ties wanted here

[job]

They are always very quick to think that we are pulling something over on them. I'm glad you called and straightened him out.

He knew you wouldn't take him up on the offer of him helping you out financially on a new vehicle. If you had said yes, he would have run for the hills! He wanted to look like the nice guy in your eyes. You are smart not to take him up on the offer, especially if you are planning to split assets, etc.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. I am slowly learning that with H, when things turn south on text, it's better to just talk live. Things get very twisted with him.

The RV is the only asset we are dealing with, I haven't brought up any others. We have talked about selling it for a while since it hasn't been used for over a year. I still feel that this is his "breakup", any further steps are his to do, unless I have a reason to.

His contact is pretty much daily. His last, just now, was to let me know he bought an essential oil diffuser, since I rave about mine. I am floored, he always makes fun of this kind of stuff.

I have come to realize he can't let go of me, but he doesn't want me either. It's so twisted. Now, this is mind reading, but I also sense he envies my happiness. I think he sees it is real, and may be what draws him? IDK, just a thought.

People think our situation is so strange, especially how friendly we are, being in the current situation, but they all agree, whatever works, it's better than the ugliness it can be, and that is mainly for S.

Wishing you all a great weekend. Yay! It's Friday!!