MLC, WAW or WW?? Who really knows? Help...pls

[sandi2]

First, let me be clear on why I asked if she's ever had to face consequences for her show of disrespect. A woman doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to disrespect her H by having an A with the neighbor. I would dare say that your W has been disrespectful toward you in other ways throughout the years. Perhaps you tried to ignore it, or tell yourself it's no big deal, or that's just her way of acting. Everything from a facial expression to the tone of voice used, can show a level of disrespect. Loud sighs of impatience, when the H says something she doesn't like. Rolling her eyes, saying things to the kids about daddy, tapping her foot on the floor when waiting for him to do whatever she wants, making H the butt of jokes, speaking unkindly of him to others, throwing tantrums, screaming at him,........on & on. If she has ever raised her voice to you in front of your children.....she has disrespected you as her H, their father, and the head of the home. My question is......what were your actions whenever she showed disrespectful behavior toward you? If there were no consequences for showing disrespect for you, do you think she'll start respecting you more? Not likely. It only makes her acts worse.

Okay, so let's talk about boundaries. We put up fences around our property; put wedding rings on our fingers; have guards posted on country lines; etc. They all indicate that something of value is being protected, and is off limits to intruders.

Every person should have personal boundaries, based on their integrity, values, principles, spiritual beliefs, etc. Those boundaries are the protection for their emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. It is up to that individual person to protect himself. Boundaries are about protection......not punishment. With that said, let me add.....a person crossing or dishonoring your boundary should be faced with some sort of consequences for their action, don't you think?

The boundary should be clearly defined. Violation of the boundary will result in consequences, in order to protect what is within those boundary lines. Examples: If someone crosses our property lines to construct a building, we will give a warning to back off, maybe approach them about the property lines, etc. If we are ignored and the building continues.....we turn to the court/law in protecting our property. If the results are bad for the intruder, it's their consequences for not honoring the property lines. If another country tries to invade our country, we will give a warning, and if ignored.....we will go to war as a result in protecting our way of life. Most marriages have boundaries attached, and if dishonored there are consequences to face.....unless you decide to live in an open marriage.

In a case where you have a wayward wife who is openly spending time with the OM, the H needs to decide what he must do to protect his emotional, mental, physical, and financial well-being. Protection is his goal. Your W has said she wants a divorce, so she doesn't care that she's disrespecting you by spending private time with another man. Apparently, she doesn't worry that there are consequences attached to her actions.

The action taken to protect the H's feelings is left up to him......not his WW. Do you understand what I mean? He may tell her to remove herself from the home, but if he can't legally make her leave....then his words are non-effective. He can remove himself, but he needs to first check if it will legally affect his standing in a divorce, child custody, property, etc. Therefore, if you state a boundary, you had better have something to back it up (know what you will do).....and you had better make sure of what is backing you (laws, etc).

To have an effective boundary, you have to enforce it. Think before you speak. The last thing you want to do is make some grand announcement about a boundary you've set, only to eat your words later. Simply saying that such & such is a boundary doesn't mean a thing if you aren't prepared to back it up with necessary action.

Another reason for thinking it through clearly, is b/c your W will challenge the boundary. If you have a wayward wife, it's not a matter of if she'll test you.....but rather, when she'll test you.

Once again, your objective is to protect your feelings. It is not to punish your WW. You are the one to carry through with some type of action that she sees as the consequences for her not honoring your boundaries.

Boundaries are not "discussed" with a wayward spouse. You can state to her that you have a boundary about being disrespected with her spending private time alone with OM. But there are no discussions about it, and this is not a prelude to more relationship talk. There are no negotiations. These are your personal boundaries and you will be the one to decide what they will be and what action you take.