Hey, guys, cut me some slack here. Give me some credit. Corri, have you forgotten already? W OWNS the ironing, as well as running the kids around. She will not LET me (or anyone else) help out with these and other tasks. See, this way, she gets to come across like she's the big hero, and not only that, but she can also be WAY too busy for piddling little things like paying some attention to her R. I'm beginning to think it might be an AOS thing, where she's trying to communicate with me in HER primary LL, but of course I can't receive, because it's not MY LL, not even close. I think it's either LL # 7 for me, or not even on the list. Of course, I still think my first analysis is the right one...
One thing I can tell you about your 'nightmare scenario' is that often when women start talking about a problem, they don't necessarily want the problem 'fixed', they just need to talk it out. I know that it sounds like she wanted an answer as to why she is going, but she really just wanted to put a voice to the worries going around in her head.
Having someone try to 'solve' all our problems makes us frustrated, and makes us feel like your minimizing the problem. "Well, if he thinks he can solve it that easily, he must think it's not very important!"
Quote: W: I guess I'm kind of nervous about this appointment tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to talk about.
Me: That's not encouraging. I can't really tell you what to talk about with her.
W: I guess I don't really know why I'm going.
Me: Well, I don't want you to feel like you're going there just because I want you to go there.
I think here she was just looking for your support, you know, encouragement and perhaps some validation of her feelings. She is understandably nervous, and I can relate to her not being sure of why she is going. Is the C going to find fault with her? What if he asks something she's not comfortable answering? What if he asks questions she doesn't know the answer to? Kind of like going to court and facing the judge!
My advice? Next time, just listen attentively. Make the suitable comments to let her know you are listening, mirror back her feelings, validate her feelings. Let her know that you are there to listen, and don't feel like you have to fix her!
Hang in there... God created us with two ears and one mouth... listen twice as much as you talk!
I tried reading parts of that book. and it is VERY high brow, maybe way over my head. The guy knows his stuff. I do remember that there was this couple mentioned a lot in the book with a very LD women and HD man. He was hard on both spouses, but he really ripped into the women to show her what whe was doing wrong in her life. That is about what I remember.
It's high time, IMHO, for those kids to do things for themselves and figure out to to them too. Your wife is doing you and your kids a huge disservice by catering to them as she does. She has to learn to relinguish control and being the "all knowing, all seeing, and all sacrificing" parent. It is very hard for some to do, and I think she has a real issue with letting the kids grow up. Have you talked to her about this aspect of her personality.
I recall that you've offered to drive the kids and do the ironing but your W would not let go of these tasks. IMHO she is just piling on the stress on herself.
And Johanna is absolutely right. The kids are old enough to do things for themselves. Sorry but I was amazed to hear of your D20 complaining of not having clean underwear. WTF??? I totally cannot understand that probably because my own mum died of cancer when I was 10, dad never remarried and I learned to cook, do the laundry etc on my own at a very early age. I know you've said they're good kids paying for their own tuition etc but your W is definitely doing way too much for them. She's got to learn to let go and maybe this is one issue she could speak about with the C.
Tim, Sorry to pile on here, but here's an approach to help the W at the C. I know that my first sessions were mainly about getting my nervousness down and finding a way for me to talk about feelings. I'm more Vulcan on that, (sorry to use a Trek term, but it's perfect for this). The C gave me a list of feeling words and categories to help me find a word that connected with a feeling. That helped me immensely. Now I know that most females don't have that problem, but maybe you can help with a "issue" sheet or a list of questions that the W and C can discuss. I also helped when my spouse went in for solo sessions by suggesting some things for the C to bring up with her. I know you don't have contact with the C, but it is at least a start.
Scott -Who is now more like Data after the emotion chip was installed.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Just talked with W, and fears are allayed. She and C connected really well, W is now sounding VERY positive, and happy about the session. Phew! Next appointment is in 3 weeks. It'll be interesting to see what changes. Yes, I know, very little at first. I'll have to be patient (NOT one of my main qualities, as you might have guessed). I'll try.
Yes, I know, W was just voicing fear of the unknown, and I should have been in listening/reflecting mode, not problem-solving mode (Tim slaps himself - HARD). I'll try to do better next time. Thanks, guys, for all your support. I definitely need it.
Quote: I am slowly going crazy 1-2-3-4-5-6 switch... Crazy going slowly am I 6-5-4-3-2-1 switch...
Awwwwww Tim.
I'm too tired (you and I had VERY similar evenings and sleeplessness last night) to really offer words of wisdom, but just know we HD'ers understand where you're at. (I actually almost woke up H in the middle of the night last night to tell him I thought I was going insane.)
Quote: I tried reading parts of that book. and it is VERY high brow, maybe way over my head.
I tried reading Passionate Marriage a couple of years ago (y'all should SEE my collection of marital sex books - I could go into the bookstore business!) and I agree, it was a tough read. In fact, I only made it a few chapters in before I gave up.
Three weeks?! Egads that seems like a long time. If I were you I'd be feeling impatient, too -- I'd be wanting H to go every day until he figured it out. LOL
Hopefully the C gave her some exercises to work on before their next meeting.
