I recall that you've offered to drive the kids and do the ironing but your W would not let go of these tasks. IMHO she is just piling on the stress on herself.
And Johanna is absolutely right. The kids are old enough to do things for themselves. Sorry but I was amazed to hear of your D20 complaining of not having clean underwear. WTF??? I totally cannot understand that probably because my own mum died of cancer when I was 10, dad never remarried and I learned to cook, do the laundry etc on my own at a very early age. I know you've said they're good kids paying for their own tuition etc but your W is definitely doing way too much for them. She's got to learn to let go and maybe this is one issue she could speak about with the C.
