Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[Mach1]

My son began Kindergarten today. He was w/ W last night. We all met up this morning to take him to the school and get some pictures, see him off so to speak. As I watched him walk down the hallway with pile of other children to his classroom I felt so proud for him in that moment. Felt like all was at peace, felt like a piece of his solo journey had met some solidity. I will not see him again for three days; he and I will both be good in the meantime.

Dayum....when I went to kindergarten, it was only half of a day...

That's some serious schidt for a 5 year old....

Why do you feel the need to be in control ???

Two places - A horrible childhood where I was in control of nothing. It was degrading and cruel. In my teen years, when I finally had some control, I was out of control. I as left alone for weeks alone, parents emancipated me from school so I had legal rights over myself, it was ridiculous; I was never given tools from them to learn control. So that's one, which led to the other - Ego. I got to college and for the first time in my life realized I was very good at something, which was academics (I was always very good at being a musician, but my parents took a dump all over that every chance they had, so I did not realize that until post college when I really ran with it). Anyway, after having almost failed my way out of high school ( a guidance councilor actually told me in my senior year that I would amount to nothing and was head for prison) and doing so well in college, I developed a need to try and defend that feeling of success, it fed ego. I never began to understand any of this until I began work w/ an IC in the winter of '16, I knew a whole lot was wrong with me, I thought it was simply some type of anger complex, until the IC and I began to dig down.

How does that tie into who you were, are, and want to be ?

What goals are you setting for things to be different ?

Just wanting to change isn't conducive to the actual change.

And of course...

How did control issues affect your marriage ?

Better yet, how do you see control issues playing into your life??

How has control, defined WHO you are ?

And let me start this for you.....

From what you have said, I feel as though the whole marriage was about control.

I think that the act of marriage itself, was the control to stop the see-saw affect that the previous on again/off again had been the entire time that you have known each other.

Basically....

If we are married, then the bleeding (on/off) will stop...

Close ???

Is your opinion more important to you, than opening up and accepting that others have opinions too ?

Depends on how I feel about my role context. As a leader at work, I always put my people and the mission of my agency first, even when my personal opinion suggests I feel otherwise. The result is that I have a staff and senior leadership who do truly show me that they care about me. As a student, I defer to the leadership of my instructors and listen. Share my opinions when discussion makes it appropriate, take no offense to being shot down or guided. I n my personal life outside of those things - my personal history teaches me that I value my own opinion more. Learning how to listen, how take the times when I am willing to, capture that willingness and then contextualize it to other times when I don't want to, is challenging. That said, despite setbacks, I am committed towards creating a permanent change for the better.

See below....

Something else that I see a bit of..

I see you trying to give the perfect answer to each question. I am not looking for that at all. The perfect answer doesn't let me see who you are at all....

And maybe that is a small part that comes across to me as control. And while you may not be trying to control the question, or answer, or direction the thread is taking....

It is the outcome that you seem to be trying to control...

This is a completely fair statement and the recognition that this may not be my intention is equally appreciate. I am not sure it is easy for all to understand how greatly an inattentive ADD learning disability affects the human mind. It has taken me months of education to wrap my mind around the fact that I have had a learning disability my whole life and not known it. I do not view it as an excuse for past actions, but more of a way to contextualize my actions; except now I am learning to understand impulses brought on by the ADD and learning tools to reboot before just blurting out the contents of my head. Yet, this is in process; undoing 40 years of a challenged way to view the world and convert it to a different and healthier approach in the past 6 months...I will learn, teach, and train my way to better mind and I will do so in a permanent way; may take work daily, may take work minute by minute, but I will do it. Cannot say yet, but fighting the LD may one day be reflected upon as the greatest personal victory of my life.

Look up a poster....LostforWords

Read him...

Then tell me what you think...

???

Maybe it is both....

Maybe I can ask Mr Twain to come back and rewrite Huck Finn, so that it's true meaning can be digested by all, instead of the minority that seem to "get" his sarcasm....????

We could just ask him to cite the reasons for his thought using APA or Turabian formats and calculate the statistical R-value for his satirical correlations; that should cover it without a full rewrite. touche' on the sarcasm Mach1.

My point, however round the mulberry bush that we go, is that interpretation relies on the reader due to the script being set in stone. Interpretation will ebb and flow, much like life, throughout any perusal of information that we may take.

Example...

The 5LL book. I ALWAYS recommend reading it twice. Usually when a person first gets here, and then again after a few months. The first read tends to be more of a " how I F'ed this up" manual, while the second read is way more insightful into the personal side....how you give, receive, etc...

Same book, two views...



Interpretation is also left to the reader, in order to formulate opinions, and stimulate the imaginary into reality. Not only could I, but I should be able to read the same things as you, yet we reach different arenas.

Another reason I asked about opinions being receptive to you....

In life, yes, you are a leader, a student, a Father...all of those things...

But is that how you define yourself ?

What defines you as being a great leader ?

Student ?

Father ?

How do you separate the roles ?

How do you lead at work as opposed to home ??

Eric ( the freakin Rican BTW) may be in more contact with MHL than I...

However I could find out any questions you may have for him...

Eric mentioned this to me last night, day before maybe. I grew up next to a PR family and was welcomed into their home as if I were family. Suggest you ask Eric to make you some potato pancakes sometime.

You had inquired the other day, when I used the term "freakin Rican"

Eric IS the freakin Rican...

No hidden meaning other than that....