Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[CT1118]

J3B - I did not forget, but do appreciate the stimuls. Very busy and...

Maybe think about this for a while....

Mach1 -
Fresh start was not that I feel you are against me, never thought that. Statement was referring to communication fresh start as I did not want our conversation to descend into experientialism or enigma. I do want the assistance, more on that below.

Knowing your love languages, how you give, how you receive, simply allows YOU to grow...

On chapter 3. Wonka got through.

You seem to think that I am lashing out and attacking you, hence the fresh start offer.

I interpreted the conversation as having assumptions about me, which triggered an antiquated and incorrect coping mechanism in my psyche, not that I was being attacked out of malevolence. It seemed to me like I was being misunderstood. If your assessment, the interpretation is on the reader as you believe, then responsibility for this interpretation lies with me. The time I took in my response made me think I was not responding from an older position of myself, but I was. Not easy to fix things from a position that is broken.

Believe it or not, I am not really here to be a friend. Maybe that will, or maybe it will not happen down the road. I am here to help you see yourself more clearly than you have in the past. YOU asked for help, and I am only giving you feedback according to the information that you have given.

I'm in your corner...

I not only believe all of this, I am hoping for and seeking it. The truth in what you said above and in what I just said may be in and of itself a reason why both of us have stuck through it. IMO such long response to one another neither suggest that either of us are not seeking some level of understanding from one another, nor do they suggest we lazily tapped out a reply from our cell phones (unless both of us have the text dexterity of 17 year old girls and haven't shared that with each other yet.) Believe it or not I am appreciative for this exchange, regardless of how difficult I may have found the crest of it or how difficult I may have come across, if I did come across as difficult that is.

So your choice, we can go further with this...or we agree to disagree about it...

further

Why do you feel the need to be in control ???

Two places - A horrible childhood where I was in control of nothing. It was degrading and cruel. In my teen years, when I finally had some control, I was out of control. I as left alone for weeks alone, parents emancipated me from school so I had legal rights over myself, it was ridiculous; I was never given tools from them to learn control. So that's one, which led to the other - Ego. I got to college and for the first time in my life realized I was very good at something, which was academics (I was always very good at being a musician, but my parents took a dump all over that every chance they had, so I did not realize that until post college when I really ran with it). Anyway, after having almost failed my way out of high school ( a guidance councilor actually told me in my senior year that I would amount to nothing and was head for prison) and doing so well in college, I developed a need to try and defend that feeling of success, it fed ego. I never began to understand any of this until I began work w/ an IC in the winter of '16, I knew a whole lot was wrong with me, I thought it was simply some type of anger complex, until the IC and I began to dig down.

How important is it to you, to be right ?

More than I realize or want it to be. Still working on it. Taking my successes when I don't one day at a time.

Is your opinion more important to you, than opening up and accepting that others have opinions too ?

Depends on how I feel about my role context. As a leader at work, I always put my people and the mission of my agency first, even when my personal opinion suggests I feel otherwise. The result is that I have a staff and senior leadership who do truly show me that they care about me. As a student, I defer to the leadership of my instructors and listen. Share my opinions when discussion makes it appropriate, take no offense to being shot down or guided. I n my personal life outside of those things - my personal history teaches me that I value my own opinion more. Learning how to listen, how take the times when I am willing to, capture that willingness and then contextualize it to other times when I don't want to, is challenging. That said, despite setbacks, I am committed towards creating a permanent change for the better.

Something else that I see a bit of..

I see you trying to give the perfect answer to each question. I am not looking for that at all. The perfect answer doesn't let me see who you are at all....

And maybe that is a small part that comes across to me as control. And while you may not be trying to control the question, or answer, or direction the thread is taking....

It is the outcome that you seem to be trying to control...

This is a completely fair statement and the recognition that this may not be my intention is equally appreciate. I am not sure it is easy for all to understand how greatly an inattentive ADD learning disability affects the human mind. It has taken me months of education to wrap my mind around the fact that I have had a learning disability my whole life and not known it. I do not view it as an excuse for past actions, but more of a way to contextualize my actions; except now I am learning to understand impulses brought on by the ADD and learning tools to reboot before just blurting out the contents of my head. Yet, this is in process; undoing 40 years of a challenged way to view the world and convert it to a different and healthier approach in the past 6 months...I will learn, teach, and train my way to better mind and I will do so in a permanent way; may take work daily, may take work minute by minute, but I will do it. Cannot say yet, but fighting the LD may one day be reflected upon as the greatest personal victory of my life.

Maybe it is both....

Maybe I can ask Mr Twain to come back and rewrite Huck Finn, so that it's true meaning can be digested by all, instead of the minority that seem to "get" his sarcasm....????

We could just ask him to cite the reasons for his thought using APA or Turabian formats and calculate the statistical R-value for his satirical correlations; that should cover it without a full rewrite. touche' on the sarcasm Mach1.

Eric ( the freakin Rican BTW) may be in more contact with MHL than I...

However I could find out any questions you may have for him...

Eric mentioned this to me last night, day before maybe. I grew up next to a PR family and was welcomed into their home as if I were family. Suggest you ask Eric to make you some potato pancakes sometime.

I do really appreciate all the time and effort you have offered me Mach1. As well, the offer above on MHL and fisherman. I am still working through the fisherman thraed and only done a couple posts of MHL. I do not have questions on either of them right now, but will certainly check into your offer in the future if some arise. FWIW, I do hope they are both doing well in this life.

4am comes early, been typing for over an hour [hat tipped respectfully in your direction sir]
Have good night or day, whenever it is you read this.