Ha, yeah Bigy, mirroring some of their worst behaviors probably is not a good idea, especially in front of the kids
I think the thing is that you have to decide how important the behavior is to you. That's what I meant by "being willing to die on that hill." I understand that your wife being late for kid transfer is annoying, but how important is it to you? If she is consistently a half hour late and you are getting in trouble with your job because she is causing you to be late, that's a big deal. If it is just ticking you off, maybe it's something you can let go.
We can probably think of some consequences for that sort of behavior. "W the next time you are more than 15 minutes late to pick up the kids, I will have brought them to my mom's house" or something like that?
All this stuff is really hard to deal with, especially when your kids are also affected. Or your finances.
For dealing with rudeness, my DB coach told me to tell my ex how his actions made me feel. "H when you walk away when I am talking to you, I feel disrespected."
He went through several really nasty periods, like your wife treats you. I tried "H what you are saying is important to me, but it hurts my feelings when you call me names. Let's continue this discussion later when you feel calmer." "H I have told you how you yelling at me makes me feel. If you don't stop yelling at me, I am going to hang up the phone."
It didn't always work though, probably because I am not a really strong person. Most of the time, I did not try to enforce any boundaries, and just said "I'm sorry you feel like that" over and over and over LOL
