Cherry. H is filing and leaving. Working on me

[DDJ]

Hey cherry, you are a ball of hormones, so thats okay to be emotional. Just identify where it's coming from. Just don't let it be him.

You need to accept your fate really; you're showing that you're "fighting" for him which is why he says that he does not want to give you hope. Stop fighting, let him walk, be the lighthouse and hope that he follows.

Also, you know that you have no control over him and his actions, so why put a no-GF for 2 years clause in the D papers. You cannot control or predict the future.

[Cherry]

Yes, she had a bad turn of health and lives with us. This has never been an issue, she and I have always had a great r.
She thinks that he is having some kind of breakdown, and thinks he is seriously depressed. They have always been very close, but are in disagreements now as she thinks he is making a massive mistake. He told me today that he feels he is going to loose his child and his mum in all of this. That is not my problem, I have never made any attempt to sway her mind one way or another. She is very strong minded and feels he is going against all she has taught him and is making a big mistake.

Ddj. It's not a clause that he can't be in a new r with anyone, it's that I just don't want people being introduced to my children left right and centre. The same rule would apply to me, I don't think it's fair for a child emotionally to witness their parents with new people left right and centre.

[Cherry]

I've thought a bit over what ddj said about him seeing that I'm fighting for him, which is why h is wary of giving me false hope. And that I should be the lighthouse. I'm not sure how wh sees that I'm still fighting for him, would that be that I'm still telling him a d is what I want? I feel the only choice I have here is to fully release him. I totally get about being the lighthouse, but the way I feel is until I just mentally think "ok, I'm done this is over, please leave". But that is exactly what I would be doing and feeling, it would be getting in my mind that I am absolutely done with him, and if I get to that stage, I think even if he had a change of heart- there would be no going back. Letting go of him and my marriage is probably going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. I do think that even he fears that on his part that creating some kind of friendship would start to release feelings for him too.

As you all know, I do not like crying, I do not like the feeling that I appear weak. But today, I have given myself time to be by myself and feel all the feelings and emotions. I've cried and I've let it out. I do not plan on making a habit of this, and I shall continue on my quest to prepare myself and move forward. But I just wanted a day to acknowledge that yes, I am sad. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I feel betrayed. All of it, so then I don't bottle it up and let it prevent me from moving anywhere.

So yeah, today has been rather tough. And while I'm not going to allow it to beat me, I chose to acknowledge it instead.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Exactly. Acknowledge your feelings. But don't get sucked in. It's like acknowledging a raging river, you can't feel it's power, but you would be a fool to walk into it. It will be bad for you. If you can do that, you win. It's easy to say of course. But it is a good way to think of how to deal with the it.

It's the same as dealing with spew. You hear it. You see it. You can feel it. But you just don't engage with it. Set your boundaries to protect you.

Yes I get if you let him go there is no going back. But you are differentiating between your H and your WH. Fully detach from WH. There is NO going back. Spot on. However if your H reappears then yes. You keep the lighthouse burning for him. The way you are. And you are - by being YOU. Not the weak you, the strong one he admires. He has a choice then and it's all his circus. He can be the teenager in chaos - the WH or he can see the error of his ways and come back, but via the lighthouse. But ONLY on proper terms. You get to set these, acting reasonably.

Simples.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Surfer. Words can't thank you enough. I think today is one of the hardest I've dealt with. I actually told my parents that wh is filing for divorce. They had no idea, I've hid it from them for the pure shame, and also I think denial. I also believe he is to move out in 3 weeks time. Maybe this will make things easier. Idk.

You are absolutely right between differentiating between the two. The wh and my h. Wh definitely deserves a hand out and a firm nah-ah. I'd like to think that I didn't give him any of my spew or anger today. I listened, I did say some things of how I felt, but I did not spew or point a finger or lash out in anger. I thanked him for his (partial) honesty. I don't really plan on having any further interactions with him particularly in the near future, today I am not prepared to see him. I am somewhat weepy and emotional, I'd sooner he doesn't see that side of me. He has no right to see any vulnerable side of me right now. It's not his problem or concern.

[Coly23]

((Cherry)),I can't tell you how sad I feel for your sich especially how quickly your WH is filing for divorce. Just remember that no knew is expecting you to be strong all the time, you are only human so falling apart every now and again (and not all the time like me!) is allowed.

I really believe that your WH is a little like my WH in that thry set themselves on a path and stubbornness and pride stop them from admitting it might be the wrong decision and so the only way they can justify their actions is to vilify us and the marriage.

Surfer is so right we've got to let go of WH in the hope that our H will resurface and come back to us.

Take care of yourself and your little chicks. Xx

[Cherry]

Thank you coly for your kind words, and your support- he is beyond stubborn. So I don't know if he would ever be capable to say he messed up.

For some reason today, he seems to feel the need to check up on me. Perhaps it's guilt. He commented that I had took all pictures down of us, he seemed shocked with that. Lord knows why, I'm not even gonna try and figure that out. He told me how he is moving, and how once the L has drawn up the petition to look over it together. Tbh I don't want to be a part of this, they can send it to my L to deal with. He says how he wants to be on good terms and be a friend of mine, but right now he is worried that I would take it the wrong way. He told me to never say never to us ever being together in the future. I don't want to focus on that, but it doesn't sound like someone confident in their decision. He told me when and where he is going to be moving to. I tried again to validate and listen and not spew or get angry, and the tears where minimal, I pulled myself together.

I have had today to have my tears, they've flowed. And he has moved from complete dishonesty and flat out ignoring me to approaching me and partial honesty.

Today I feel I let go of hope and accepted, my family who didn't know, now do. And I have got in loud and clear that he is done and that m with wh is dead and gone. So after today, and the tears- tomorrow is a new day. And it will be time to stand up, dust myself down and straighten my crown. And just show him what an absolute fool he is to loose a diamond like me. In our lifestyle, and our community of liars and double crossers, he had a true ride or die chica like me. He won't get that again. He's lost the best damn loyal person to ever walk in his life. More fool him.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

It seems to me with the 'never say never, and 'concern of the photos' he is unsure. There is a bit of temp checking going on too.

The WS, is unsure, but so what. We are letting that person go. If the S returns okay, then we can talk....

Keep it up!

Hope you cleaned that face tonight BTW, it would be somewhat remiss not to do that on a fine Weds evening!

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Haha surfer you are getting to know me so well

That's what I thought, but I didn't want to raise any false hopes on my side. But he certainly did not seem like someone confident in his decision. His never say never comment has not come up since the first time he did this and then returned, and then I made life too easy and we jumped in like we were in the honeymoon phase and then I find myself here. I'd like to think that I didn't do anything to acknowledge his temp check.

But you're right, it doesn't really change anything. There's no actions, he's still set on his plan. Like you say, if the real him returns then we can talk. But right now, he's acting on his emotions, he's doing as he pleases.

I need to stay strong and keep moving forward. I will not approach him, not that I have so far. And I do not want another day of tears, I have had today to mourn and shed tears. Now I just need to carry on moving forward.

[hawker]

Hey Cherry,

My W did that as well with the photo's...I took her baby pic and a recent pic off the fridge in the garage...she noticed and was like "you took down my pictures?" Ummm...yes you left me and our dogs??? She was also upset when I asked for the garage remote back a month and 1/2 ago....Yes, it didn't change any of her plans, she still moved in with the OW and doing what she wants. Good job knowing you have to stay strong and move forward, I am trying to do the same. I had my moment Sunday when she took most of her stuff as well, we are only human its ok for tears to flow...I wish she wouldn't have seen them but she had them as well....