Took a break from posting to read more threads from MLC survivors and to post on other current MLC threads. Only a week of quiet goes by before I have to deal with Angry Pants.
Kids went back to school yesterday. W's mom is back from Guatemala today. Her new job starts on Monday. OM just ended contact with W - said he still considers her a friend but he wanted "to be alone" until further notice (last time that lasted only 2 days). Real life must be kicking in a bit, isn't it?
Ugh. I messed up. Monster came out to spew last night and I put up some resistance. I'm kicking myself over it. I should of just let her spew and validate, but she was accusing me of creating the very schedule problems that she's dealing with now. Working on myself meant giving up the need to be right, to react to her MLC craziness with humility & compassion. So many vets assure that beneath all the venom and rage is pain and fear.
I failed last night. I stood still against the bedroom dresser and maintained eye contact (she's pale and with shark eyes). I didn't get loud, interrupt or swear. When she started to raise her voice, I backed down - but I refuted her many times. She bounced from topic to topic on everything that's happening in her life right now and how it's ALL my fault because I haven't volunteered to help her. I don't even know what she's up to in the first place! What did I do? I tried to indicate this to her...with my dumb a$$!
Because of her going dark, I don't know her upcoming schedule and how inconvenient all this is for her. She's the one that wants to go back to work so she can "find her independence" and leave me. She wants all this change! In passive-aggressive language, she wants me to drop off S3 at daycare AND pick him up. I cannot commit to that because of my schedule - and she knows it. I also don't see why I should anyway. She wants to do the single mom thing - this is the work involved. She even tossed off the idea of spending $1600 in advance to pay for child care so she can keep her paycheck all to herself (as spending money). W also knows asking her mom for any help in babysitting is a tall order. Her mom has a thyroid condition akin to having ADHD. She's hyper, unreliable, and bossy. Results may vary.
To qualify for financial aid for child care assistance, she has to declare herself as legally separated. She mentioned this option last week, very cautiously, and I said that was okay. She mentioned it again today - but it was a serious tone of voice that said I'm taking the next step in leaving you. Whatever it takes file for separation in Illinois, I don't think she's learned what to do, so I don't know why she said it.
I took her spew as legitimate because I want to communicate about our kids and co-parent even while she's in MLC and gone dark. She's accusing me of just pitching in when it's convenient. I am doing so much freaking work here! I manage our finances, help out with housework when I have time and keep the pantry / linen closet / medicine cabinet stocked because she doesn't bother shopping for the house anymore. She is gone most evenings and mentally absent when she's here. I knew as I heard this b.s. that it was close to 100% projection on her part, especially when she said I was "behaving like a spoiled child" and "being a b!tch". I gave up and said "I don't want to talk about this anymore" because I know she just wanted to spew. I said I was taking the boys to the park for an hour.
Even with me in the other room putting shoes on the boys, she's still spewing something from the MBR while sitting in bed. I waited for her to stop. I came in the room and stood at the foot of the bed. I said very calmly "I'm sorry <w's name>. I'm sorry I failed you as a husband." Without missing a beat, she mumbled as quickly as she could "that's right, you did fail me as a husband." Keeping my calm, I said "Well someday, you won't have to worry about that anymore." She said nothing and lowered her head to return to her day care paperwork.
I left with the boys to the park. She appeared in the park a little later telling me she was going for her jog and being overly communicative that she wouldn't be long. I assured her with PMA to take her time and enjoy herself.
She called me at the office this morning to argue further. She wanted to know "what you're planning to do". She wasn't specific, so I said I'm continuing to focus on spending time with my family and my friends, my new responsibilities at work and my hobbies. I don't know if the vague happiness of PMA / GALing is meant to irritate a MLCer. When she made clear she was asking what I wanted to do about our M, I said I really couldn't do anything since she doesn't want to interact with me at all, and she readily agreed that she doesn't want any contact with me. She is the one contemplating a separation or a D. So, whatever happened with us in the future was up to her. This all seemed to piss her off even more.
She went on a MLC fog rant: she's "never felt more alive before than this year" (MLC started in January). The house has been like a cage and she's been in her own little prison. She said when I asked her to marry me (December '01) that she had already given up on me and was moving on, but she just went along because getting married was the "next logical step". She has wondered this entire time (13 years) whether or not she should have married me. I made her "feel ugly" like a "worthless little troll". I have NEVER paid her a compliment. I insult every accomplishment she shares with me. I have behaved more and more miserable towards her with each passing year. I never bothered paying attention to the kids until "this year".
It's funny how when she was busy with OM that she didn't give me the time of day. Now the OM goes silent, the kids are back in school, and she starts a job next week for the first time in 11 years. Is all that stress to an MLCer? I am suddenly her focus, and figuring out what to do with our M must be decided TODAY! Maybe a burst of passion from me is what she wants, I don't know. I'm not inclined to make romantic gestures to a cheating woman whose head is full of vague dreams about how wonderful life will be without me.
I told her that keeping my distance and staying away from her was an act of love because I was respecting her wishes even if they went against my own. I told her to follow her heart, that I'm doing fine, and I will be accepting of whatever decision she makes.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
