Trying to detach - part deux

[Surfer]

Coly,

I listened to it. That's why I told you about 'better do better'. Go offensive. Forget defensive. No point in saying look at me shine. He can't see you - yet. Don't hang around waiting. GAL! Detach. Be the best version of you. You are clearly working on this. Just focus on that only now. Be the best version of you. He will see it. If he chooses to come back - HE 'better do better', because by then you will have!

Keep going you are getting it. Baby steps. Be kind to yourself, as you are to others. Stop overthinking, mind reading and future forecasting. It NEVER works. I don't know anyone that can accurately predict lottery numbers - do you? Can you? No. Then stop that. FOCUS on you. Remember that kind happy you. Find her she's a sassy Lass and great company. For you and others.....find her.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

In their minds, they've given it many chances ...

I agree with ForGump. MWD talks about this in one of her vids. THey have tried, done etc everything. No. They have said everything the only thing they 'do' the only action is the negative ones. Leave, abandon, pursue someone else.

Yet here you are left. Becoming an amazing version of you. Learning, really trying, really changing into a person that they would be mad to leave.

Morally, who's right. Them, you? You know, as does everyone else looking in with an honest eye. Keep going.

Surfer.

[Altair]

Coly,
re the H speaking to therapist about spending time with me-- never heard any answer about it, so I'm guessing it's a no!
One thing that I'm finding a very hard time with is that I'm mind-reading/assuming now that he's been in his new place for over a month, he's starting to enjoy living alone. For my part, now anyway, I'm hating living alone. I'm kind of stuck in these thoughts.

[ForGump]

Today I plucked up the courage to call our EAP helpline

I'm so glad you did that.

[Coly23]

Hello everyone, how are you all doing? Sorry I have not been posting much on my own thread just here and there other threads. To be honest after my melt down when you were all so kind and gave me so much encouragement I kind of lost all my oomph!

During this time I've been reading and re-reading your posts to me and trying to digest everything that you all said and I think I'm starting to get there. I feel in a really strange place at the moment. I miss H, I miss our marriage but I don't feel compelled to see or speak with him and I really don't care what he is doing or who he is seeing anymore. I still have a little cry everyday especially when small things trigger me but it's not the gut wrenching, sobbing, fat tears anymore.

I've also been reading posts on Hopefullness and Piecing Our Marriage Back Together as it gives me some hope.....

My question is that, will this indifference to H that I am starting to feel mean I will stop loving him? I think that is what I was scared of, letting go in case I stopped loving him?

Not been doing much GAL at the moment either due to work but this weekend me and D are going to see some friends in a city two hours away. I cant wait to see them.

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
Oof. Had the lunch. Got all the way through and he brings up R. I validate, validate, validate. Validation seemed to trigger spew. I got dumped on, all these things I did wrong in M, etc. I started to cry. I got so emotionally overwhelmed I didn't know what to do, things went off the rails. I feel like an evil ogre, and the entire M breakdown is my fault. But then there were a few "if we are going to work this out you have to do X or communicate Y and you are still not doing that you haven't changed.."
So, there was so much anger and frustration leveled at me. Maybe this was a good thing, I have no idea. He hugged me goodbye, there's that.
I thought of you Coly, because until the lunch I was in your state, now, I have no idea what to think or do.
DB coach said go, have a nice lunch, be prepared for anything, we went over a few possibilities. We should have talked about what if he makes me cry!!

[SH_]

Coly,
Love is a choice, not a fleeting feeling.
You get to decide.
It is not something that just happens or stop happening.

[Altair]

So Coly,
Here's my answer to your question. Until the lunch, I was feeling better about the no contact, definitely feeling indifference. Picturing the possibility of getting served papers in the mail and just thinking about how I was going to try to cope with all possible outcomes. Like you, not much crying or despair, just a quiet, firm resolve to do the best I could.
Well, seeing him, talking to him just blew all of that up. A LOT of love rose to the surface (hence, tears), a lot of Uh oh should I be doing this? And then of course he says, "see, this is what I was afraid of, having lunch with you." So don't forget, you are still on a roller coaster, you just happen to be at that slow spot before the spiraling turns.

[Coly23]

Oh Altair! I am so sorry I can't believe he made you cry and then left you with no answers! The things he was saying you haven't done yet, how does he know if he hardly sees you? Are there any 180s that you can do to show him you are and can change?

It's almost like he knows you are reaching that stage of detachment and then bam he drags you back to that dark, empty place full of longing! Whyyyyy!!

Has he taken no responsibility for the breakdown in your marriage? Surely his therapist should be helping him to look at his own contribution!

I'm trying to take the positives out of what he said about working it out as I am sure you are, but is there no plan of action? Has he just left you to twist in the wind again?

You are so right about the roller coaster and I really want to get off!!

SH, yes you are right love is a choice. I think it's probably the intense feelings of loss that are starting to settle that is making me question my love for H. I k is that I do still love him bug not like a lost puppy anymore!

[Coly23]

Oh Altair, I also wanted to say that I think you did well on the validation. I am sure the reaction he had is supposed to happen as it isn't what he expected from you. Fantastic 180!!!