Maybe there's such a thing as love - but the 'happily ever after' love we're sold on since we are kids, that just does not exist, it is a fairy tale. For sure marriage as an institution is a joke, it is a sham kept alive by the government, by religion, by jewelers and greeting card companies, what have you. It is a society sanctioned way to promote having babies and buying into lifestyle of being an obedient tax payer.
What about the vows we took? The vows were for when we had problems like this, so we would have to work out our problems and stay together. But when the going gets tough she is just out the door without even going to counseling, and I'm slapped with divorce papers and her lawyers are coming for half my money. I guess everything was just a joke to her. And it is so easy for her to make all these profound life changing decisions not just for herself, but for me, and for our two kids.
I disagree that the "happily ever after" love doesnt exist. It just takes a lot more continued work than any of us ever imagined.
I was married in my early 20s. I pictured that I was set for life with my partner. As long as I didnt do "the unmentionable" things, then we'd figure out a way. But the thing was that our definition of what was unacceptable in a marriage was different. I wasnt a drunk, I wasnt abusive, I was always employed, I never cheated, etc. But I wasnt as supportive as I should have been. I wasnt as present of a parent as I should have been. I didnt make my love for my ex clear. And, so, the rug got pulled out from under me.
With all of that, I dont think it was the "marriage" that was a sham. I dont think that because that marriage failed, I should never get married. I can think of many benefits that I had because of being married. The problem wasnt with society, it was with me...I didnt know HOW TO BE MARRIED. Yes, if it were more difficult to be divorced, I would probably still be married now. But I live in a no-fault state. Always have. So, if my ex woke up one day and didnt want to be married, there wasnt anything I could really do about it. I made the choice every day to remain married, but one day my ex didnt. Sure, there were factors out of my control, but I didnt do what I needed to in order to ensure that both of us were continuing to wake up every day choosing to maintain the marriage.
Bravo darknes for expressing this so well. Ditto to all you say here I have come to this same conclusion for myself. There is little value in lashing out at love, marriage, the WAS..... There is much to be gained from learning from our own inactions, our own opportunities to grow and our current belief system. Failure can only happen if we choose to stop trying. Love is not a thing. It is a choice and an action Marriage is not a cage meant to hold 2 people together. It is a societal or government or religious contract of sharing assets It is not required in order to have children or be intimate with someone.
Love and marriage are separate things. Marriage does not require love Love does not require marriage
One can still choose to love if they so desire. We all know that there is risk when we choose to love. A marriage certificate does not remove the risk, nor should we want it to. Understanding that love should not come with stipulations is a mature emotional place that if we can get to, we will then take back the power we thought to have over ourself. The things said about loving oneself first, is key to any potential for a future healthy relationship.
Do we choose to hold the power over ourself? Or do we continue to hand that over to someone else? This is where the risk of loving someone becomes an acceptable one.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
