Trying to detach - part deux

[ForGump]

Coly23-- I ain't got much to say, but just wanted to wish you some peace.

My IC mentioned that studies have shown that, on average, divorces are more traumatic for people than wartime PTSD. Something like that.

I'm trying to think of when I cried. Back in 2009 when I found out that my brother had a drug problem. 2010 when my Dad died: I found myself crying at random times, when he'd come to mind. And now, at random times, when I think of what all this means for my kids.

There's no shame in crying. We're all just trying to do the right thing. The pain is unbearable.

[Coly23]

Altair, I am so sorry it seems that your H is pulling away again. I gain I remember the last time you spoke he was going to have a session with his therapist and find out if he should continue to see you (!) has that happened?

I am finding that I am focusing too much on when I will hear or see H the next time. SH is right I feel paralysed in time.

Have you had anymore sessions with the DB coach?

[Coly23]

Gump, you are right the pain is unbearable. I think what hurts the most is that he hasnt even wanted to give our marriage a chance. That's what I find the hardest to accept...

I was so sorry to hear about your Dad and brother, you had a lot to deal with in such a short space of time, that's tough. I agree there is no shame in crying but it's exhausting crying every day and at the drop of a hat I just need to be able to control it better!

[ForGump]

he hasnt even wanted to give our marriage a chance.

In their minds, they've given it many chances ...

Which is why I keep thinking they are so immature. You don't walk away from something so important without a meaningful dialog w/ your partner. You do that when you're a teenager in love. Not when you're 30-, 40-, 50- something with kids involved.

[doodler]

Which is why I keep thinking they are so immature. You don't walk away from something so important without a meaningful dialog w/ your partner. You do that when you're a teenager in love. Not when you're 30-, 40-, 50- something with kids involved.

I completely agree! I don't know if it's immaturity, but whatever the cause, it doesn't make sense to walk away from a marriage without clearly communicating the underlying issues multiple times. It's not poor communication, it's the almost complete lack of communication (in my opinion).

[Coly23]

Rose, thanks for your help on goal setting your comment about not looking at the bigger picture really struck a cord with me because I see everything the he does as a sign of whether he is falling back in love with me or not.

I think I do need to get my head around it all but I'm not sure how easy it is when you are separated. I do have another appointment with my DB coach on Friday so I can speak with them about it a bit more. Thanks Rose!

[Coly23]

Doodler, Gump - in my husbands case I think it's because before me he didn't have a long term relationship so he didn't know what to benchmark our relationship against. Coupled with poor communication this was obviously a recipe for disaster waiting to happen!

SH - again your words make me sit up and think (are you a teacher because I always feel I have to be on my best behaviour when reading your posts!).

I just watched the Guy Winch Ted talk about Emotional First Aid. It frightened me a bit about the number of physical issues caused when you don't look after your emotional health especially when I have my D to look after. I took on board the two minute distraction every time I start to ruminate and I recognise this is something that I have always been prone to. Playing things in my mind over and over again and finding it hard to let go.

Today I plucked up the courage to call our EAP helpline which we have through work and broke down but it was good to talk to someone who isn't close to me. They are going to arrange for 8 free counselling sessions starting next week.

I think what is paralysing me, and I agree I am paralysed, is accepting that my marriage is over. I came to this website like everyone else looking for hope to restore my marriage but it seems to be slipping further and further away from me.

So my question is do I need to let go of the hope in order to release myself from this paralysis...?

[Surfer]

Coly,

Reflecting on what Rose said. The bigger picture. 'Does he love me'. I would say in almost all sitch's the answer is yes. I expect that even the mos wayward still feels this deep down. But the resentment and spew, history re-writing becomes their path. It clouds how they would normally think. In the same way pursuit and fear clues the LBS.

You both have your own fog. Until you get that for you, you can't exit yours. You do that by detaching from the WS whilst still loving the S. To help you fill your time with GAL - it stops you overthinking and gives you fun! Win win. Time to get back to that.

Let the WH go. Find you again and learn to smile. Men always find a happy lady attractive. Women are the same. I have never know anyone say, yes I really look for a spouse that is miserable. Same way that you never hear someone say yes i crave a man that is mean and tight fisted. So, GAL, detach from WH and stop moping about. It takes time, we have all been there. It's like trying to climb out of quicksand, slow movements in the right direction and you will succeed- but take it slowly. Go on to fast and it won't work.

Be easy on yourself. Keep going and recognise, hour by hour, day by day, month by month the progress you are making. It may seem like there is no progress at times, but trust me, you are moving faster than you know. You just can't see it yet.

Keep it up!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

BTW Shine - Years and Years? Try Hard-Fi - Better do Better. Words for the WH when he comes back. Not if he comes back as the H of course.

[Coly23]

Hey Surfer, just listened to Hard-Fi, brilliant song! You now have to listen to Years and Years!

I think what I'm finding hard to believe is that he will ever love me again even if I make all theses changes and this fear keeps me stuck and ruminating (see my previous post!). It's just so hard to believe that our S's can detach from us so easily and shut off their feelings so completely knowing how much they are hurting us.

It is like moving in quicksand and I still don't think I have figured out how to pull myself out. I think that I have tried to do things too quickly by expecting to detach as easily as H, but I know now that isn't me and I need a bit more time. In the meantime I am showing H my best side even though I am hurting inside. I don't know if it is because of this or if H is just happier now he is in his own but I think I have seen him softening a bit towards me in his texts. They no longer come across business like and to the point. I'll take anything I can get!

Thanks Surfer, as with all the others who have been kind enough to post on here I appreciate your advice and support.