Cherry. H is filing and leaving. Working on me

[Cherry]

I've thought a bit over what ddj said about him seeing that I'm fighting for him, which is why h is wary of giving me false hope. And that I should be the lighthouse. I'm not sure how wh sees that I'm still fighting for him, would that be that I'm still telling him a d is what I want? I feel the only choice I have here is to fully release him. I totally get about being the lighthouse, but the way I feel is until I just mentally think "ok, I'm done this is over, please leave". But that is exactly what I would be doing and feeling, it would be getting in my mind that I am absolutely done with him, and if I get to that stage, I think even if he had a change of heart- there would be no going back. Letting go of him and my marriage is probably going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. I do think that even he fears that on his part that creating some kind of friendship would start to release feelings for him too.

As you all know, I do not like crying, I do not like the feeling that I appear weak. But today, I have given myself time to be by myself and feel all the feelings and emotions. I've cried and I've let it out. I do not plan on making a habit of this, and I shall continue on my quest to prepare myself and move forward. But I just wanted a day to acknowledge that yes, I am sad. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I feel betrayed. All of it, so then I don't bottle it up and let it prevent me from moving anywhere.

So yeah, today has been rather tough. And while I'm not going to allow it to beat me, I chose to acknowledge it instead.