I am stuck here because I am not willing to move on forwards
What is your picture of moving forward?
From my observation, when some of us were strongly encouraging you to leave the house for a few days........you could not handle it. You started going through years of stuff you had collected, and you bogged down under the emotional stress. I think you took a break from the board b/c you could not deal with pressure from us. You saw the advice of "moving forward" meaning you had to separate from your family.......and that is what you could not face.
When you write, you often state things that you should do.........which is really repeating advice that you've received. Then you say you are stuck b/c you are not willing to move forward. If moving forward did not mean that you have to make a life apart from your family..........could you see a happier Ghost? Could you move forward if it meant you get to live with your W?
Your fear of being alone is something that goes deeper and further back than your MR. (You wanted suggestions for the IC sessions). Your entire identity seems tied to your M and family. You can't see the man you would be apart from the M, b/c that man has no identity. From past posts, you talk as if you had no identity before you met her. I believe finding the root of this fear and how to overcome it, will break this cycling for you.
I don't think you are going to be hit by some bolt of lightening that will make you get off your a$$ and do what you don't want to do. When we are inspired, it is easy to get through a day of reaching goals. What I have experienced, is when you are at a certain point of depression........the motivational shots just don't accomplish what your mind/spirit needs to force your body into action. ((Ghost)) you are depressed. I don't know your reasons for not wanting to take AD meds. I have had to take them. They are not a pep pill. They have never made me feel odd or whatever you may think they do. The meds help you feel more "normal" and gives you a sense of well being. If you tell the doctor about your over powering racing/cycling thought, I think they can prescribe the right AD to help. You do not have a sense of well being, and therapy alone, could take time to get better......IDK. I think therapy with medication could make such a difference in the state of mind you are currently experiencing. This is strictly my opinion. I am very concerned for you, and want you to feel better about yourself.
Btw, I understand your relationship with food, and how you turn to food for comfort. When you don't feel loved.......you turn to something to fill that void. Some people turn to alcohol.........some turn to other substitutes. Have you tried a diet program, where they have weekly meetings? Weight watchers was encouraging to me. Meeting together and boosting one another's morale, carries you through the week. You don't feel alone b/c everyone in the group is walking the same road. And Ghost, there is no judgement from anyone! I think that is the greatest feeling in the world, to know you can walk into that circle and be accepted the way you are. Anyway, it's just a suggestion to find a diet program that has a weekly group support.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
