Cherry. H is filing and leaving. Working on me

[DDJ]

Hey Cherry,

Just caught up a little, you're doing alot better. Detachment is still difficult for you, and I think that you're focusing on the fact that you've chosen the wrong father for your kids.

NEVER MIND that, it might sound obvious, but you can't change the past, not even what happened 5 minutes ago. You also can't predict the future, so why worry about that either. Look around you right now, in the moment, and see all that you do have, be thankful for what you have, but, and most importantly, be thankful for what you don't have.

Hope that makes sense.

We'll never give up on you, but only you can drag yourself over the finish line!

[Cherry]

Thanks ddj, and thanks for checking in on me. I hope you are doing well. You're right, I fret about the past and trying not to worry about the future is something that bothers me. But like you say, that is totally out of our hands.

Rumours are rife in the workplace. I won't lie, I'm finding it difficult. I don't want to add fuel and tell people what I know. But nor do I want to seem like some ditsy woman that is oblivious. In wondering wether to tell wh I am hearing s lot. But I know he will want to know exactly who it is so he can approach them. But it's getting in the way of my work. I shouldn't have to deal with the double whammy of them both being here, and hearing all about them. Yes it's gossip for people, they feed on this- people love to gossip and I have no time for gossips. But this is ultimately my life and it's bothering me.

I really don't know how to deal with this situation at all.

[Sotto]

Hi Cherry, I wouldn't raise this with your H at all. I would take the high road, concentrate on your work and leave H to deal with his own messes. Who cares what anybody may think of you - you haven't done anything wrong except love a man who is struggling to commit to your M just now - hold your head up high. And if anyone takes it upon themselves to 'break the news' to you, you can tell them - thank you, sadly I am aware and H has chosen to file for D. I appreciate you telling me though....

JMHO of course lovely xx

[Cherry]

I don't even know wether or not to tell anybody that much. It would seem wh is keeping this under wraps too. Anyone that has congratulated him on the pregnancy, he has not told them that he isn't with me.

I guess he doesn't want to come across as a flawed character. It will all come out before long, and he will have to deal with this chaos. I am just being monumentally sick, and that's draining me to enough- let alone having to deal with all of these damn rumours. Makes you want to hide away, but don't worry I don't intend to. I'm keeping my head held high. I have done nothing wrong

[Cherry]

Well I got through that day. Hearing these rumours and being told things by "well meaners" was not really easy. But again, I surrounded myself with friends, and kept my head up. My stance is that I be very wary who I talk to, I know one of the db-ing rules is not to tell too many people, and I get that. You never quite know who you can trust, and it just complicates matters; and to be honest- this is HIS mess. Not mine, if people have things to say, they may go and question him.

Spent the evening having a pamper- I swear I must have the most cleansed face in the world! But it keeps me busy for a while, I even filed some paper work, found that I had a lot more in a pension fund that I had anticipated. Found a form to submit that if I die in service, who would get my 3 X annual salary paid to them, the default is that it would go to wh. While getting things in order, I'm thinking I may well change this to S c/o my M.

I have made my room into quite the peaceful sanctuary, very cosy, warm dull lighting and candles. Though there is still a picture or two of me and wh, and then there's the m bed in there, that doesn't make me comfortable. Another busy day planned in tomorrow, will dress sharp and keep my chin up.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

You seem to be doing well. The glow is clearly there and the sickness will soon die (I hope).

On what 'others' think. Pay no heed at all. There are very few people that actually know you. So if they don't know you don't worry what they say or think. Look at it this way, your MIL sits at the table and has dinner with you. She knows you and what you are about. She respects you. Care what people like your MIL think. Anyone else, might as well be a news or gossip column article for them. They will move on from your story. It's fish and chip paper tomorrow!

Even my MIL/FAL have been poisoned to some degree be history re-writing and spew. Which is sad, but hey, if they are daft enough to believe that I am clever enough not to mind....they will see me with their own eyes again.

I think Sotto is right. Just take the opportunity to practice some validation if anyone mentions this at work. "Yes, thanks for being concerned, its a tricky time as I am sure you know" [Whilst thinking - Foxtrot Oscar! and keep your nose out!!!:)]. Just try not to tell anyone anything. If they start asking you talk about - oh I am just focusing on my S and this little one, give the tummy a good cuddle and they will shut up!! You will only get a few people will be brave or slippery enough to talk directly to you. Do this twice with each and they will stop. The rest, including them don't know you - so again pay no need, you can keep that head held high, you are doing perfect!!!

Surfer.

[DDJ]

Hey Cherry, you are getting good advice. They key thing to remember is that no-one, absolutely NO-ONE has the right to impact on your feelings and emotions.

People only do to you what you allow them to do. Accept that principle and don't allow anything.

[Cherry]

Thanks ddj for your kind words, and thanks surfer with coming through as a voice of calm and the advise.

I was trying to get ready for work when he came for his chat. I tried to keep calm and validate his feelings as he went on to tell me his story. How's there is nothing going on with ow, she is a friend. I had the usual, look me in the eye- trust me. He told me that he does meet up with girls "but not like that, I just find them more comforting". He told me what he had filed, and the reasons, again I don't agree to them, and I feel he has used our conversation where I validated his feelings against me. He said how some of the wording sounds harsh so he wants it taken out. I told him I wanted a clause to protect the children from possible partners for a year or two. He did not like that, he said he doesn't know what may happen in that time and he would want to share the children with any future partner. I explained to him, that this would be from BOTH of us, to protect them, and it's not about is, this is about them and their feelings. I explained to him that he doesn't even treat me as a friend, he says this is because he doesn't want to get close to me and give false hope. Or that he cannot see me partly dressed, as it "doesn't dhow respect to me". My emotions did get the best of me, maybe it's hurt from grieving, or maybe it's because I'm a giant ball of hormones.

I feel a bit let down in myself that I let him see me upset, I feel like it has undone my efforts to appear I'm getting along with things. It seems pretty much there, that this relationship is dead with no hope whatsoever of reconciliation. It's clear what he wants, and the first part of the d is done, I just need to wait for the papers. I'm just hurting all over with this. Everything is very much just as he wants, and he has absolute control over everything d related. I know the one thing he doesn't have control over is me and my behaviour. But I just feel I've let myself down by getting upset, I've kind of given him some control over me.

[Cherry]

And surfer, he's certainly tried to spout some spew at my MIL about me, but the fact she lives with me and sees me and our m means she doesn't believe him. I told you how he told her I was having a PA while pregnant with our first, but seems as though she looked after me ON BED REST, she paid no attention to his absolute insanity.

[Surfer]

Cherry

Didn't appreciate MIL lives with you. Has this always been the case?

Has your MIL expressed what she thinks he is going with your WH?

Surfer.