Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

I'm OK, SH. No broken hearts required on my behalf.

Apparently I'm getting pretty good at forgetting and forgiving. Things are back to normal with L-friend. Last night I was having a really crummy evening and just tapped out whatever was on my mind. I regret writing that line you quoted, but I set it free in the world and I can't pull it back.

Today was really vary blah, and included yet another person asking me a MR-related question about myself. This person was kind of complaining about his 17 year anniversary tonight and wondering if I knew where he was coming from. He asked if I'd ever been married. I hesitated, and then he asked if I was still married, which was even more awkward because I was out on a boat with him and l-friend. Ummmm. Yes to both questions, technically. I did say that I loved being married, however, in answer to his wondering about my feelings about marriage, in general.

Regardless, it reminded me again of my MR disaster for the second night in a row, and that it is still an ongoing process, when all I really want is to be living my own life now. Yes, I'm still married, but quite far into a pretty grim divorce, and I just don't feel married any longer. I stood for my M the best I could until WH made it abundantly clear that he was finished. His fantasy life for the last few years was to be divorced, and he made that happen. It wasn't my choice to end our M, but it IS my choice to go on living.

After I talked to l-friend about last night, the evening got a lot better.

You are 100% right, however SH. The boundaries we agreed to are smudged, and/or have gone missing altogether. Was it too soon to be in a R? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Honestly - no, I really don't. Maybe I will, but not right now. My therapist calls it a transitional relationship for both of us, and says that it is possible for that to benefit both of us if we are able to keep our communication open and honest. I hope that turns out to be the case.

No matter what else happens, I just plain feel like myself again a lot of the time. Not a shell of myself like I felt before, but the real me. That's not because of l-friend, or because he makes me forget the reality of my situation, but rather because my time with him has reminded me that there are other people out there besides WH with whom I can be compatible.

I talked to l-friend about how he it seems that he is theoretically able to understand my grief, but less able to deal with actually seeing it. He said that was probably an accurate assessment.

Today, while being kind of blah, ended well enough, so I'm pleased overall. I got my final revisions done on my two major legal documents, so I made appreciable progress. I still have the final net worth statement to hammer out, but that's purely formatting nonsense, and all the information is already written down and ready to go.

I don't know that I am willing to take a month off from l-friend, SH, but I will certainly take your thoughts into consideration.

Well, I'm too tired to think any longer, so I'm going to have to call it a night. SH, I will keep gong on this thought train when I'm a bitter rested.

Goodnight to all my lovelies!