Trying to detach - part deux

[SH_]

Good evening Coly,

Lots of info and feedback for you today.
I am glad that you were able to take some time to ponder what I shared and even looked into the black door story.

A couple of thoughts that I hope you can ponder further on.
First, I know that nothing I say, nor anyone else here will help you or motivate you to take the proven steps to get out of the funk that you feel that you are in.

Only when you are ready will you be able to take those painful steps.
My hope and goal in sharing with you is to share that what you are feeling now and expressing, I have felt and remember what it was like as if it were just yesterday.
I do not share my words and thoughts lightly, but I do so with urgency and emphasis on the hope that you will trust what you are being told is the only way forward.

Don't waste time to only see that you prolonged the pain and struggles simply because, and I quote,
"At the moment I just can't get excited about going to the gym or taking up another hobby. I don't know maybe I just need a bit more time to adjust to it all before I embark on this stage in my life. "

These are 2 of the basic principles that you need to do, whether you are excited to or not.
It is like when you have a broken bone and you need surgery.
It is not exciting to do, but it is necessary to do in order to even start the healing process.
Pay attention to Phoebe and Painter.
These 2 fine ladies dug real deep in order to do these things. And they were not excited, they simply jumped into it and shared with us how things went.
This is where you will adjust to the new norm for now.

SH- I know I need to pull myself together and do stuff for me because this wallowing is making it worse but I don't know if I am ready to go all out GAL as yet. I have booked another session with the BD coach so hoping that's going to help and I'm just plucking up the courage to book some time with an IC. In all my years I have never had to get this much help even when I suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks just after we got married I managed to get through it without completely falling apart with no help whatsoever. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

You do understand what I am sharing as well as others.
Your words show this to be true.
Action is the next step.

You will benefit from a DB coach and the IC.
Trust me, I hesitated at first as well.
All it did was cost me time and prolong some pain.
Don't wait any longer.
You are very right in how you feel this is the hardest thing one can go through.
I read in several places that it is worse than losing the spouse to death.
Acknowledge this.
Let the feelings come on and don't fight them.
Meditation is a wonderful thing to learn and practice now.
But do not simply sit and wait for things to change without any efforts.
You will have to do them eventually.
The sooner you act, the shorter the process.
Also, do not feel bad about needing help.
The support team you assemble now, will be like the medical team for that hypothetical broken leg I mentioned.
Why not be proud of the best support team you can gather.

SH, I also looked at the Black Door story, which you have recommended to others, and as much as I though it was great in demonstrating how we fear the unknown it was all a bit too hypothetical for me. I couldn't decide if I would have chosen the firing squad or gone through the door in all honesty! I guess what I am trying to say is a hypothetical example is going to get a hypothetical answer (as I keep telling my managers!) so I need to have some time to think how to apply it to my sich. I will also look at the Guy Winch stuff on-line. But I know do have a fear of the unknown, of my and my D's futures and of having to finally accept the finality of my sich.

Hypothetical eh?
Okay, let me try and apply it to real life for you.
Here in this community there are some LBS that choose the firing squad over the door.
They choose to sit tight and hope for things to fix themselves.
They choose the known demise of the situation ver the unknown freedom and struggles that are through the door.
So they sit and wallow in the pain and actually add to it by being unattractive to the spouse through sad depressed behaviors.
In my opinion a real firing squad would be more merciful than the emotional pain and torture they are continuing to go through because they choose not to walk through the door.
FEAR is the reason they stand in the known misery or the the unknown potential.

I am working with a friend that has chosen to stand still for over 4 years now. He continues to stand still in fear.
He continues to lose everything he said he was afraid of losing and is gaining nothing in return.

Others have not simply chosen to walk through the door.
They ran through it and ran and ran and ran.
Their stories of success are here as well.


Check out the neighborhood of Surviving the big D. Many success stories and folks that are healed up. Scars yes, but moving on without fear.

As it is late, I will link for you some lengthy posts that I shared with a neighbor of ours here that maybe you can review and glean some ideas from as it relates to fear.

Read the 2 posts labeled Fear.
I wrote these because I dug in real deep to this as I identified it was fear that was paralyzing me.
It was not the me I was proud to be.
I had to change.
For me.
For my daughters
For my future self.
I needed to understand how to get through to.
Now it appears that you do as well.

Please take some time to read it.

Posts by SH to friend Ghost about Fear

Coly, I know that you can get up and get moving now.
I know that it seems impossible, but it is not.

This quote literally saved me as I read and repeat it regularly.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith

I am here to support and guide you until you get through the wall of fear.

Blu started this flood of support with her advice to you and Cherry.
I jumped in because I always remember when Blu joined how she said she is here to share her story, because she wishes she would have done all that you are being told to do some time ago. She saw the value of it all, but did not act upon it initially. It prolonged her challenges.
This, is one of the reasons, I snapped out of it when I too was frozen with fear as you are now.
And now I am strongly encouraging you to move forward.

Phoebe and Painter can guide you through the emotions and feeling of no control of yourself.
Rose provides sound and logical advice and very straightforward.

Cherry is very strong and spunky and her support will strengthen you and Surfer has come in here and learned quickly and paid it forward almost from the get go.
And I am sure there are others that I have not mentioned.....

You have a team here that has all experienced what you are now.

Listen.
Take action
Learn
Take action
Make a decision to push forward
Take action
For you
Act
For your Daughter

You
can
do
this.