May Divorce Be With You

[qt4x11]

OK, I'm kind of joking. A little. But it sure doesn't work the way we think it should. It isn't some universal all conquering feeling. In fact, I've learned that love isn't a feeling at all, it's choosing to behave in loving ways when feelings don't tell us to. Unfortunately you are right in that it's rare for people to operate this way these days. While I'm not suggesting you give up on the idea of ever having a relationship again, I do think it's years out before that could even be possible, and it will never work the way we wish it did.

Maybe there's such a thing as love - but the 'happily ever after' love we're sold on since we are kids, that just does not exist, it is a fairy tale. For sure marriage as an institution is a joke, it is a sham kept alive by the government, by religion, by jewelers and greeting card companies, what have you. It is a society sanctioned way to promote having babies and buying into lifestyle of being an obedient tax payer.

What about the vows we took? The vows were for when we had problems like this, so we would have to work out our problems and stay together. But when the going gets tough she is just out the door without even going to counseling, and I'm slapped with divorce papers and her lawyers are coming for half my money. I guess everything was just a joke to her. And it is so easy for her to make all these profound life changing decisions not just for herself, but for me, and for our two kids. Cld can wait patiently for his ex wife to change her mind, but I don't know if I can forgive her for this.

In the end I've found I not only have to grieve for the marriage I lost, but for my idea that I'd ever have a relationship that worked the way I used to believe they could. That is a lot to accept which is why I, too, am not looking for a partner.

I think this experience will make me a better boyfriend in the future because I know now how love can die if you don't take care of it. At the same time this experience can make me cynical about relationships in the future. But yeah I'm not ready for any of that right now, it's frankly pretty scary to me and I have to worry about getting myself together and taking care of my kids anyway.