wife wants out, blindsided last week by the news

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[nwtex]

OK thanks! will do!!!

[MrBond]

I"m not entirely sure what your question is. It seems like you know what you need to do. Get motivated and keep busy and physical to keep the ADD in check and you healthy. I know it sound simplistic, but that's what it is. If the threat of your wife leaving you isn"t enough to get you motivated, I don't know what will.

[Sotto]

I would agree with Mr Bond. It sounds as though you gave up already on managing your ADD and possible depression due to cost of meds. I would say that meds are just one option and there may be many other things you can do to improve your wellbeing - reading to start with, self care, support group etc?

It also sounds as though you have accepted - she's an A type, I'm a B - but actually if you want to try and save your M and energise yourself, it's possible to do that.

I'm not saying there aren't challenges if you have a health condition - only that it is possible.

Take care my friend and do keep posting :-)

[nwtex]

yah.. I just need encouragement, and maybe I do have a few questions that come up...
She has not told her kids, or really any one, as far as I know, except maybe two close friends of hers that she can confide in.

She told me yesterday that she decided to file for divorce.. but since we have only one bed, she said she would sleep on the couch. She wasn't sure if I'd be comfortable with her sleeping in the same bed with me. I told her that I was fine with that... We made it through one night.. it might get a bit difficult though... I am a guy, and she is attractive!

Still, right now, I am trying to stay disconnected.. not cold... but not warm with her either...

She appreciates my help around the house. I stayed up until two the other night trying to get a shower door installed...

She told me that she would do the dishes last night, as I had done them several times before... Not sure if it was her way of seeing if I care enough to see past her words, and do the dishes anyways...

I did them while she went out to a friend's house..who I confirmed she did end up being with... not too concerned that she has found another guy.

This morning she texted me, thanking me that I did the dishes..I said "yup".. trying to not be overly warm.

anyway, it is kinda hard, as I am a bit sad, and miss her texting me, telling me "xoxoxos" and such.

It's funny how a person can seemingly turn on a dime.. one week she is loving.. the next.. "don't push, I know you are in panic mode, but I need my space" and "i want a divorce" a few days later..

Still she is treating me well, texting me about normal household business stuff.. neither of us are acting out.. I dont want to get my hopes up.. but I am willing to fight to win her back! Just the productive kind of fight..

[nwtex]

I just started listening to a podcast on depression today.
I know I need to cut out sugar.. I remember that I did that once many years ago, and my mood improved, as well as, I had more energy... I think that will be a huge habit to create... eating better and cutting out sugar... (Pepsi and such is my drug of choice... ugh!)

Later I will take the dog out for a walk, and take some vitamin and miner supplements... maybe a melatonin right before bed....

For now.. more housework..

Thanks for your encouragement and advice..

[CT1118]

I found out that I had ADD a couple years ago. I am learning how it affects relationships.
We were (or should I say are) a classic couple where the ADD person takes the role of child and the normal spouse takes the role of adult.

I was just hoping that someone had insight into marriage where one spouse has ADD and is unmotivated and depressed, and the other is high driving type A....

alan123,

You are in luck dude - I fit your question. Welcome back FWIW. Anyawy, me - ADD Type 2: Inattentive, diagnosed in June 2016. her - complete alpha female (I'm alpha as well). we had just bought a home and were remodeling when it all collapsed. both on 2nd marriage. So that is the similarities I picked up on. Hang on my man - I have a lot for you...

I was never depressed or unmotivated. But, ADD comes in many forms and it will affect M's/R's. ADD will make you the most exciting man in the world when you first connect w/ a woman. You are spontaneous, exciting, sharing, listening, able to memorize her wants, able to connect on every level of her, you worship her and make her want to worship you, you smile, you are funny, you...are...the...man. This is because of the single positive affect ADD has on the human brain - you have a superpower called Hyperfocus. Hyperfocus is the ability of the ADD brain to concentrate its entire attention upon a singular subject, idea, or person. If I laid money down, your Hyperfocus on this site and rescue of marriage has already started.

Anyway, the downside, when the Hyperfocus wears off, we can experience a type of depression (it may not be a true medical depression in the way we think of it, more like a complete mental energy drain). We revert back into ourselves or something else. The attention we gave full force to our spouses wains and the spouses go through stages which go in a specific order. Ready for it? And please tell me if it matches (I sent this list tom my W when I found it, she told me it was IDENTICAL to what she experienced):

1. They feel rejected
2. They feel lonely
3. They feel ignored
4. They get frustrated
5. They get angry
6. They get tired of feeling like the only one who tries
7. The feel hopeless and want to or do leave

There you go. So what do you do about it? Sounds like you already know - you work on yourself. If you ignore your ADD and believe you can fix your M from a position where you are broken, you are in the wrong mindset, you need a complete reboot. This has been with you your entire life and will be with you for what you have left. If you ignore it, statistics say you will repeat your history over and over.

Diet - you mentioned your wife put on weight and ate poorly. You alluded to sugar (and Pepsi) being a problem for you. Thinking you do not eat well. Cut it off now. ADD requires a diet high in protein (for the brain - salmon dude) and low in carbs and sugar (gasoline on a building fire). The amino acid L-tyrosine is also great for brain health in ADD. However, these two things could be slightly different for you depending on the type of ADD.

Exercise - Now and daily. Its a great GAL, but it will also calm your mind, make you naturally tired at night, and getting in better shape helps all minds function at an improved level.

Change something - new hobby, new pattern new clock. Build a routine ans stick to it in life. You must have patterns. Sound boring, sounds like not you. Have you ever been called lazy for not doing dishes, paying bills, not putting gas in the car? Bet you have. Was this because you are lazy or because you are not able to see why that stuff matters as much as what you are doing? I am thinking the latter.

IC - you won't do it alone. Consider medication. I put off meds initially. I finally read up on them and took the plunge. Here is the way I would describe what the medicine did for me (taken from someone else who described it perfectly): There are 60 radios in my head, all on different stations, all at different volumes. I know I have to listen to one of them, but can't decide and can't turn all of them to the same station and the same volume. Medication turned 59 of them off.



Good luck my man. Thank Jessup I have someone here who can relate to this narrow piece of the DB matrix. I spoke from experience and what I suggested is working form me. I am not there yet, but I am over 70% - on me that is. Real change for our self.

[MrBond]

Sounds like a good start. Why don't you actually start a journal with goals. Physical, mental and emotional goals. Make them specific. For example... I will bike 5 miles today. Start them small and then slowly increase them.

[CT1118]

PS - please consider adding a signature with your profile - helps us keep track in a quick way.

[CT1118]

Sounds like a good start. Why don't you actually start a journal with goals. Physical, mental and emotional goals. Make them specific. For example... I will bike 5 miles today. Start them small and then slowly increase them.

alan123 - Mr. Bond provided a beautiful addition.