Trying to detach - part deux

[Painter]

Cherry, I hope that was a typo and you didn't feel guilt from what I wrote!

I'm still in the middle of this, making lots of mistakes as well. And I don't know if I feel happier without WH (maybe I do, I know for sure I'm much more relaxed), but I feel that I am happier *than he is*, even though he is the one who wanted to separate and live with OW.

[Coly23]

Hey Painter thanks for your post. I absolutely agree about the 180's. I look back and think how bossy and codependent I was. Also how I used to hate him taking time to do his sports, because we both work full-time and his sports usually take up most of one day during the weekend which left little time for us and chores. I now see that it was a small price to pay and I regret not being more flexible. My 180 here is that i don't switch off any sport on the TV when he is around and I have kept the sports channel on Sky going!

I've really tried my best to be happy and easy going when H comes over and I haven't cried in front of him or got angry for at least two months. Unfortunately before his suprise visit yesterday I did have a little cry so I did look a bit puffy eyed but I don't think he noticed! But when he isn't here I cry buckets and I think I am starting to recognise that this is my way of dealing with the frustration and sadness. Hey I'm a crier what can I say!

How do I know that the changes are working if I don't ask him outright? How do I know they are drawing him nearer and he isn't interested in just being friends? My goals are only based on MY expectations. For example one of my goals is that I know I am drawing him nearer because he will text me to find out how I am however what if that isn't the first sign and I miss it. Maybe him bringing me wine on family night is HIS sign but I don't know that. So I am getting more and more despondent that I am not seeing MY sign. Altair said her H contacts her every three days to find out how she is and for me that would be one of my goals achieved but for Altair I think it sounds like it is frustrating because that is all she gets from him. Maybe Altaire's H coming over once a week for dinner might be a sign for her? I don't I know am so confused by it all.

I understand that doing things to be a better person will help me in the long run but at the moment I don't want to think that is all I am going to get out if this. Don't get me wrong I want to be a better person but I also want my H back and I want my marriage to be restored. At the moment I just can't get excited about going to the gym or taking up another hobby. I don't know maybe I just need a bit more time to adjust to it all before I embark on this stage in my life.

I like that you said that if the door is open there is no harm in telling H how I feel but without getting angry of crying. It's so hard for us LBS to have to constantly hide our feelings whilst our S's get to shout theirs from the roof tops!

Sometimes I just want to runaway far from this all and just forget about everything that has happened. But I know running away isn't the answer as I will be just as bad as H...

[Cherry]

Haha! Yes it certainly was, can you tell I've had a long day at work and was trying to entertain my toddler. It should have said words of GOLD.

I think the sign you notice things working more would be there is left thought/actions on your side, and he would be striving to make more of an effort.
Mine would be if my wh contacted me at all or just had a friendly non r/d/defend his "friendship" with ow. He is incapable of anything other than that right now. And I will go absolute days without seeing or hearing from him at all.

I think we all come here in the hope we can restore our m's, and we all have s varied mix of WS'. There is some positives in your h, he is still civil with you and treating you like a human. And he also sprung a kiss on you, I think he is somewhat on the fence in my eyes; there is definitely some positives, and he doesn't seem to have gone crazy wayward. The doing things for us helps us along our journey of bring more independent and finding ourselves. I really wanted to hide away on Saturday, but I pushed myself to have s girly day with a girlfriend. We hit the shops, and I got my eyebrows waxed, just little things like this keeps us going. Even if for a while you force yourself, and even if you shed a tear. I actually woke up hearing someone crying the other day, I wondered who the heck it was and then I realised my cheek was wet and that it was me,

I know the feeling of wanting to run, we've probably all had it. But like you say, it makes us no better than them, and those problems and feelings, well they will just tag along with us wherever the heck we go.

Does journaling your thoughts help you? When I'm feeling particularly alone, like the evenings when these triggers come along and the sad feeling slips in, or he hasn't come home. I come on here and journal my thoughts, I catch up on others, and I read great posts like painters. Sometimes someone might write something to someone, but it speaks volumes and really helps.

How are you getting on with your goals?

Have you read psysaras posts? When I came back here, her situation seemed so much like mine. And she is a strong chick! She's pulling through

[Coly23]

Hi Cherry, phew I'm glad you thought Painter's words were gold and not guilt! I re-read her post several times over in confusion!

Some days I think H is on the fence but sometimes I think he just wants an easy life without conflict so chooses to be civil to me. Or maybe I'm just being negative! I don't know, I'm trying to not read too much into his actions.

That made me feel so sad that you woke up to the sound of someone crying but it turned out to be you. I wonder if you had a sad dream like I did last night. I'm still thinking about it now. It was so vivid I felt I was reliving BD all over again!

I know I need to get myself back to some sort of normality. I sometimes wish my D was a toddler again so I could force myself to do fun activities with her but now all she wants to do is go out with her friends. I don't know why she doesn't fancy doing any sticking and gluing with me anymore!

I was thinking I might get my nails done soon. They are in a terrible state as I usually bite them (at the moment nail biting habit has increased ten fold!) and only ever get a manicure for going on holiday but this year I didn't feel like it :0( . Cherry, I like the fact that you and your friend got free pud the other day, now that's my idea if a GAL activity!

Yeah journaling does help a bit but sometimes I feel too mentally exhausted to put my feelings onto paper. I do like reading all the posts on here though, hoping that one day I will open one of your posts and get some good news. I also like looking at the piecing and hopefulness posts but what I find hard is looking at the really old posts in these forums and reading all the desperation and hope and then looking in their signatures to see that in the end they got a D or after piecing the LBS has become the WAS. That really caused me to have a mini breakdown the other day!

On a positive note, I am not sure what state I would be in without all you lovely people! Even though you are all going through your own pain you still have the strength to visit and help to prop me up and for that I am eternally grateful. I know I will get through this but I guess I have to walk that long and winding road and accept that I will stumble, fall and stray from the road but that it is ok to do that and to not beat myself up about it!

[Coly23]

Sorry Cherry, yes I have been keeping up with psysara's posts and yes she is one strong chick and I admire her for telling her H as it is!

Still working on my goals..... :0}

[Cherry]

I guess it comes down to what blu said, we need to stop trying to think what they are thinking. I'm getting quite good at blocking him out. I just get hurt at the fact that he treats me like I am invisible. Like the last 5 years never existed, like I'm not the mother of his child, or that I'm even carrying his other child!

Yeah I've had a few bad dreams where it's been bd all over again, or I see him and ow. All similar kind of dream, and all painful as hell. I've never woke up crying before. That was a new one!

The nails sounds like a perfect solution, I get a lovely shellac done- lovely colour and polish that stays put for a week or two. It may be a little vain, but I like to keep on top of these things. And yes, the free desert was certainly a boost I don't think he saw the baby bump concealed under a floaty top!

Yeah having a very young child can be quite a blessing as they are completely dependent upon you. It can be exhausting when you just want to do nothing. But I guess they force you up and out or doing something fun with them. And I imagine when the new baby comes around, I will be completely busy 24/7! I love that newborn stage, when they are so tiny and need you for absolutely everything. Such a lovely age.

Yeah sometimes seeing that people got a d can be hard, and sometimes they just disappear. In the latter case, I like to think that they reconciled and they were just far too busy to come back.

This is definitely a marathon not a sprint. It takes times and we will go through a lot, but we do have each other to prop one another up and point in the right direction.

Glad to hear that the goals are going well. Keeping focused on our own goals will keep us from focusing on the crazy train that is the WS.

[Rose888]

When it came to goals, I got myself all twisted up when I started looking for signs from H.

I probably had more responsibility for the issues in my marriage than you do for yours, but what worked best was for me to focus on things I wanted to change for me.

So, for example, I wanted to be less emotionally needy and get my validation from myself, not H. So my "signs" had to do with how I felt about myself after certain exchanges. Did I like how the new way felt?

Or, I wanted to be less brittle about certain jokes. So my sign was that we didn't snap at each other and get into an argument about the joke.

Does that make sense? I didn't focus on the big picture--does he love me?--but on small instances of emotional fusion or conflict.

That's still what I'm focusing on. I'm coming up on 5 months of this focus, and H has said several times, "Maybe you are changing" and "Maybe after 22 years you understand my sense of humor." But those comments only came after many of the "new" exchanges.

Anyway, just my two cents.

[Altair]

Coly,
As time goes on my H is pulling away. 4 days now, no "hello are you ok" text. I'm not initiating, because the last hello was from me. So yeah, big ups and downs for me, desperately trying to keep busy. I'll feel crushed inside and cry (like you) and then I'll have thoughts like, well, if he doesn't contact me or come back or want to see me, what can I do, I can't force anything. He wanted space, he wanted time, didn't want to feel trapped into setting a time. So yeah, here I am.

[SH_]

Good evening Coly,

Lots of info and feedback for you today.
I am glad that you were able to take some time to ponder what I shared and even looked into the black door story.

A couple of thoughts that I hope you can ponder further on.
First, I know that nothing I say, nor anyone else here will help you or motivate you to take the proven steps to get out of the funk that you feel that you are in.

Only when you are ready will you be able to take those painful steps.
My hope and goal in sharing with you is to share that what you are feeling now and expressing, I have felt and remember what it was like as if it were just yesterday.
I do not share my words and thoughts lightly, but I do so with urgency and emphasis on the hope that you will trust what you are being told is the only way forward.

Don't waste time to only see that you prolonged the pain and struggles simply because, and I quote,
"At the moment I just can't get excited about going to the gym or taking up another hobby. I don't know maybe I just need a bit more time to adjust to it all before I embark on this stage in my life. "

These are 2 of the basic principles that you need to do, whether you are excited to or not.
It is like when you have a broken bone and you need surgery.
It is not exciting to do, but it is necessary to do in order to even start the healing process.
Pay attention to Phoebe and Painter.
These 2 fine ladies dug real deep in order to do these things. And they were not excited, they simply jumped into it and shared with us how things went.
This is where you will adjust to the new norm for now.

SH- I know I need to pull myself together and do stuff for me because this wallowing is making it worse but I don't know if I am ready to go all out GAL as yet. I have booked another session with the BD coach so hoping that's going to help and I'm just plucking up the courage to book some time with an IC. In all my years I have never had to get this much help even when I suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks just after we got married I managed to get through it without completely falling apart with no help whatsoever. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

You do understand what I am sharing as well as others.
Your words show this to be true.
Action is the next step.

You will benefit from a DB coach and the IC.
Trust me, I hesitated at first as well.
All it did was cost me time and prolong some pain.
Don't wait any longer.
You are very right in how you feel this is the hardest thing one can go through.
I read in several places that it is worse than losing the spouse to death.
Acknowledge this.
Let the feelings come on and don't fight them.
Meditation is a wonderful thing to learn and practice now.
But do not simply sit and wait for things to change without any efforts.
You will have to do them eventually.
The sooner you act, the shorter the process.
Also, do not feel bad about needing help.
The support team you assemble now, will be like the medical team for that hypothetical broken leg I mentioned.
Why not be proud of the best support team you can gather.

SH, I also looked at the Black Door story, which you have recommended to others, and as much as I though it was great in demonstrating how we fear the unknown it was all a bit too hypothetical for me. I couldn't decide if I would have chosen the firing squad or gone through the door in all honesty! I guess what I am trying to say is a hypothetical example is going to get a hypothetical answer (as I keep telling my managers!) so I need to have some time to think how to apply it to my sich. I will also look at the Guy Winch stuff on-line. But I know do have a fear of the unknown, of my and my D's futures and of having to finally accept the finality of my sich.

Hypothetical eh?
Okay, let me try and apply it to real life for you.
Here in this community there are some LBS that choose the firing squad over the door.
They choose to sit tight and hope for things to fix themselves.
They choose the known demise of the situation ver the unknown freedom and struggles that are through the door.
So they sit and wallow in the pain and actually add to it by being unattractive to the spouse through sad depressed behaviors.
In my opinion a real firing squad would be more merciful than the emotional pain and torture they are continuing to go through because they choose not to walk through the door.
FEAR is the reason they stand in the known misery or the the unknown potential.

I am working with a friend that has chosen to stand still for over 4 years now. He continues to stand still in fear.
He continues to lose everything he said he was afraid of losing and is gaining nothing in return.

Others have not simply chosen to walk through the door.
They ran through it and ran and ran and ran.
Their stories of success are here as well.


Check out the neighborhood of Surviving the big D. Many success stories and folks that are healed up. Scars yes, but moving on without fear.

As it is late, I will link for you some lengthy posts that I shared with a neighbor of ours here that maybe you can review and glean some ideas from as it relates to fear.

Read the 2 posts labeled Fear.
I wrote these because I dug in real deep to this as I identified it was fear that was paralyzing me.
It was not the me I was proud to be.
I had to change.
For me.
For my daughters
For my future self.
I needed to understand how to get through to.
Now it appears that you do as well.

Please take some time to read it.

Posts by SH to friend Ghost about Fear

Coly, I know that you can get up and get moving now.
I know that it seems impossible, but it is not.

This quote literally saved me as I read and repeat it regularly.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith

I am here to support and guide you until you get through the wall of fear.

Blu started this flood of support with her advice to you and Cherry.
I jumped in because I always remember when Blu joined how she said she is here to share her story, because she wishes she would have done all that you are being told to do some time ago. She saw the value of it all, but did not act upon it initially. It prolonged her challenges.
This, is one of the reasons, I snapped out of it when I too was frozen with fear as you are now.
And now I am strongly encouraging you to move forward.

Phoebe and Painter can guide you through the emotions and feeling of no control of yourself.
Rose provides sound and logical advice and very straightforward.

Cherry is very strong and spunky and her support will strengthen you and Surfer has come in here and learned quickly and paid it forward almost from the get go.
And I am sure there are others that I have not mentioned.....

You have a team here that has all experienced what you are now.

Listen.
Take action
Learn
Take action
Make a decision to push forward
Take action
For you
Act
For your Daughter

You
can
do
this.

[Surfer]

Coly,

Wow - so much great support there for you. Now, how are you? Are you moving through that treacle like fog of despair? You need to think about trying to slowly exit it if you are. It takes time doesn't it, like getting out of quick sand...

What are you focusing on to help? Exercise, coffee or drinks with friends, reading, talking DB'ing...?

I am definitely going to read all these posts soon (bit busy this morning). I know you are finding it hard to post, but it helps. Keep trying, we will all help you to exit this phase but we need to know where you are - and as you know, there are no mind readers here.

Surfer.