Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[CT1118]

If I were to ask you what it meant to be controlling, what would you say ?

Dominance of one over another. Not necessarily using the physical; could be opinions, power, money, belittling comments, criticism, guilt. To be controlling means to assert the needs of one party before the needs of another in a way which is not mutually beneficial or seeking input.

So if you were to ask me the above question, that is how I would answer. If you were to ask was I controlling in my M?, I would answer yes. I would tell you that I did not realize it at the time. I would tell you that it was never aggressive in a yelling or physical sense. I would tell you that it was almost exclusively over money, and I would tell you that I would try to get her to look at the budget with me to understand how little we had. Then I would tell that I was wrong, not particularly in my belief for why I felt the way I felt, but for my approach to the problem and my disregard for trying to find a different approach for communicating my feelings. I would tell you that there may have been other areas I am unaware of or have yet to ascertain where/when I was controlling. I would tell you this is a topic I routinely explore with my IC, not control, but where it comes from in my character and training. But I would only tell you this were you to ask.

Do you often feel Misunderstood ...?

No, I do not. However, if I had to guess, you deduced rather quickly that when I do feel misunderstood it frustrates me. My "go to" is to get tough on others because I am tough on myself. I am aware of this and working on it. Have not stopped it every time, but improving.

Would you say that , your reply to me was what a typical discussion with your spouse was ??

No, not at all. Not only not typical, but not common or even frequent. If you were to ask if my reply to you was what a typical argument situation looked like between my spouse and I I would have answered "yes, without question". Then I might add that again, after 6 months of IC with this trait self-identified on the first day, I am working on tools to combat and change this response from within. I actually spoke with my IC on Monday (yes, she works on Labor Day apparently) about our exchange Mach1. Did not get into detail, but generalized. Told her I had let myself down, not that my feelings were invalid, but in the way I chose to express them. Figured the opportunity to tell you that would create itself at some point, and thus...so it has.

It wasn't suggested, it happened.

First by Sandi in your third thread ???

The second one was on RSG's thread. I can get that one if you want it too...

And my point here isn't to bash you about it either.

My point is, that you appear to gloss over a lot of stuff quickly, just so you can get to the point where you are "right"...

I am sorry you have that take on me, I wish our relationship would have begun differently. I have no misunderstandings about why you would think that way. I do stand by what I told you, that I simply overlooked the questions. Sandi's questions to me were on my first day here on the board and were perhaps my 3rd or 4th reply from someone as I recall. I remember not even realizing what she was referring to at the time she called me out. Like so many others, not knowing the rules, I beat into new threads ignorantly and lost track of the left behind. Do my best to tell other newbies when they first arrive, if I catch them in time, proof of this is out there. As for the RSG post, I did go back and answer your questions over the long weekend as I promised. It was simply an oversight. Thank you though, I do believe you when you say it was not intended as a slight.

The interpretation is the responsibility of the reader, not the writer....

Personal opinion, its on both.

There's a guy MHL who I think was also named Missherlove at some point? Anyway he made some really great reference points in his story to accompany what all of you has said about time and what it does. There was another one (I clicked off it and now trying to find it again)by a guy named Fisherman or Fishing-something?

What do you want to know ???

The question marks were rhetorical in the statement, so there was no true question. Just to shorten "I just read these really honest stories and hope I am not insulting as I am not remembering their names right". And I am learning from those old threads, but the ones before the 100 comment cap are very challenging to navigate in chronological order.
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Fresh start [hand extended].