May Divorce Be With You

[Zues126]

It’s been about a week. I’ve been alright, I consider it a good week these days if I don’t get severe panic attacks or become morbidly depressed about some divorce related issue. Wife took the kids out of state to see her family, we had some back and forth before she left about selling the house, and she plans to move out this week or next. I think the kids are supposed to start school at their new school district this week. So I’ve been staying at my moms this past week. I really start missing the kids if I go a week without seeing them, but I’m supposed to get them for the weekend. I have plans to do something special for my little girl on her birthday and my family has already bought her presents.

Mostly I try to keep busy. My ‘life coach’ was really proud of me, that I was doing so many positive things in my life and really doing the work it takes to recover from this breakup. I told him, it’s really just survival. I found that keeping myself as busy as possible was the best way to keep myself from obsessing over the anxiety provoking divorce situation, and rehashing the ‘what ifs’ regarding our relationship. It’s simply unhealthy to focus so much on what is now the past, and replaying such negative thoughts in your head will only make you depressed and erode your self esteem. I have to try to get healthy and take care of myself right now. My wife has basically become a cold, scary stranger to me. We don’t talk except about the kids right now. I try to avoid interacting with her because it brings me down every single time. I don’t expect her to change her mind. I feel like she is really gone.

Hard stuff. So far so good.

I really live my life these days according to my to do list app. I try to check off as many things as possible, and I try to fill my days with activities that will help me grow as a person. The majority of times I work. I try to really focus on my job, and I’ve been devoting a lot of spare time to working on my mobile app business. This past week I finished a new app to the point where it just needs the touch of a graphic designer and some nice icons, the actually functionality is done. I’m pretty proud of myself for that. I also finished another online business class. I told my divorce support group that I’m not going to focus on dating in my post-divorce life, I’m just going to focus on becoming rich. Now that the marriage is over - I feel like I don’t believe in love anymore, and there’s nothing left for me now but to try to become a huge success in business.

Correct, love isn't real.

OK, I'm kind of joking. A little. But it sure doesn't work the way we think it should. It isn't some universal all conquering feeling. In fact, I've learned that love isn't a feeling at all, it's choosing to behave in loving ways when feelings don't tell us to. Unfortunately you are right in that it's rare for people to operate this way these days. While I'm not suggesting you give up on the idea of ever having a relationship again, I do think it's years out before that could even be possible, and it will never work the way we wish it did.

In the end I've found I not only have to grieve for the marriage I lost, but for my idea that I'd ever have a relationship that worked the way I used to believe they could. That is a lot to accept which is why I, too, am not looking for a partner.

In the meantime I'm all about having passions and transforming it into success, just make sure you enjoy what you do along the way. It's not easy, but you have to try to find moments of satisfaction and above all, appreciation. Remember, if you can't be happy with everything you already have in your life without one broken female, then she wouldn't have been enough to make it all better for long anyway. Hard to remember sometimes, but it's true. Appreciation is a habit, make sure to put it on your to do app!

I wrote a song last week too, and my music is coming along pretty well. I’ve been playing a lot the past couple of months, a lot more than when I was married. I’m really going to try for my second album by next summer. Let’s see. I’ve been running longer distances - I think in a week or two I can start lifting weights again. I hung out with my brothers and cousins one night for poker night, and I also met up with a new friend I made through a divorce support group for dinner.

Cool. GAL is good, mainly because you meet your needs elsewhere. So if you were getting validation, appreciation, companionship, etc, from your marriage, at first it tears you apart to be single. When you expand your social interactions you'll find you can meet most of your needs through appropriate channels on your own. This is when your WAW will stop looking like the answer to all of your problems, and she'll instead look like a problem herself.

Don't get me wrong, you'll be devastated at the pointlessness and profoundness of this loss for many years if not all your life and you may never feel the naive trusting love you felt again, but hey, you'll feel much better day to day before long.

Life is just moving on. I don’t feel happy, I’m lucky if I don’t feel sad out of my mind. Everything’s changing so fast, I’m just trying to keep it together without becoming overwhelmed. Most of the time I just feel flat and empty, or I feel restless and neurotic - like I’m crawling out of my skin. Intellectually, I know that there’s a way forward - if I focus on taking care of myself and becoming a better person, being positive - things will definitely improve. How can they not improve? I’m at the low point of my life right now. But - I’m having trouble picturing how things could get better. I’ve lost so much - my wife of 9 years, my kids half the time, my house, a sizable portion of my monthly income, my dog, my identity - a dream we once shared of growing old together. Some of these things can be replaced, but some things cannot be replaced, and some things are forever broken.

You said it.

I don’t know how to deal with these things right now. The thing that gets me most is thinking about the kids. I will miss so much of them growing up because I simply will not be there anymore, and possibly other people will step in to fill the role of father figure at least part of the time. This thing about co parenting - to think for the rest of my kids lives, someone who I can barely speak to anymore, who I only communicate in business like terms over text message, will be making important decisions about their lives. How awkward is that? So sad and awkward. Does it ever get better to the point where you are fine with the situation? I can’t even stand to think about it, although I guess I’m going to have to live it.

You said it again.

The one good thing for me is that I got 50% custody. Regardless of what you've already discussed, agreed on, or thought you would be able to manage or accept, I would highly recommend fighting this fight.

50% time is a lot. No, it's not living with them full time. It doesn't replace the fact that a family was murdered. But it's a lot of time. When my kids are with me they have my undivided attention. When they aren't, I have me time. It's actually pretty nice. And to your main point, it feels like we are a family. I understand in my head they go to their mom's and have other experiences without me, but in my mind we are the real family here. Hard to explain, but when they go to their mom's I feel no differently then sending them to school. Just somewhere they go for a bit in between us being our family. I'd never say it compares with a nuclear family, but as long as you have your children it will be pretty cool. Do you have 50%? Can you get it?

So that’s it lol. Right now there are a lot of unknowns, and I’m scared about being on my own again after a decade of being a married guy. Life still [censored], I’m just trying to get to the other side of this situation in one piece.

Bro, you get it. You really do. Life is all about getting through the next 30-60-90 days, then the next 12-24 months. If you can do that, avoid doing anything super destructive, and even plant some positive seeds now, then just keep faith that one day it won't be so bad. It will never be the same, but you'll learn to manage it.

I compare it to losing your arms in a crash or something. They won't grow back, and I have disdain for people that act like divorce is a growth opportunity that's all for the best. Let's call a spade a spade. I'm glad I have my arms, and I'd prefer not to have lost my family. But there are cool artificial limbs out there that allow you to, oh, I don't know, juggle and violin probably. Point is that we aren't the first people to lose a loved one, and while it hurts to know it was done by choice instead of by the inevitable flow of time, we will keep moving.

I maybe sound negative to some but I think you get me. The fact is that I had a good day, I'm hanging with my kids now after their first day of school, we're going to have some fun tonight, and we just had a great weekend of reading lord of the rings, watching movies, playing chess, hiking, and getting things ready for school. Oh, and my son who is 12 and is a coding prodigy, I got him hooked up with a pal over the weekend that helped him install visual studio, and gave him a tour along with showing him some stuff that I know will help him on his journey. It's pretty cool when they get to be the age where they can appreciate your friends.

Man, you're doing awesome. You don't feel it yet but you couldn't be doing any more, and the bleeding will scab up before you know it. Hang in and keep posting. You can overdo the racing thoughts, but there are a certain amount of hours you have to run through this in your head before you can let it go too, so get it out and keep moving forward. Great job.