The Elvis show was fun. He had the perfect voice, just not so much the moves, but he has been doing this awhile, not the young pup he used to be. When I told my son about the show, he said, who is Elvis?? Lol. I showed him pics and videos, he MUST know who Elvis was!
So Job, the problem is, I don't want H to gravitate towards my me. I yearned for that for years, but right now, it feels too little too late. And at this point, and after laying it all on the table and being once again shot down, NOW he keeps wanting to do dinner? Why???
A lot of thinking has been going on here, and I have been going back to his last declaration, of times when he felt so neglected. The thing is, he couldn't see I was drowning, I was depressed with having to leave my baby with strangers in order to work and I was overwhelmed in not only trying to spend those few hours each night with my son, but also take care of everything else. H could not see any of that, he was too busy feeling sorry for himself because he was not getting enough attention. My H has split up his family because he was not getting enough attention. And his mom jumped right on the wagon with him, a woman who got to be a stay home mom until H started kindergarten. She had no idea what I was going through and should have stayed out of it, and instead, they labeled me with "coddling". It continues to infuriate me but bottom line, H needs a mother, not a wife. I am not that person.
I am a strong woman who needs a strong man, a partner, a teammate who will get into the trenches with me, who can tell me, we are in this together. That is not H. I feel I am being punished for some of my darkest days. I see no hope that he could ever be that man. What would happen during the next big life change that is sure to happen? At this time, I don't see him being a man I could depend on, so any further hope, time or energy spent on working towards an R is a waste of time.
The things that drew us together no longer exist. I am not angry at him for that, just disappointed and have lost my respect in him.
I am however seeing changes in him towards his son, in finally just accepting him for who he is and for what his hobbies are. In fact, when H picked up S the other day, he asked S, who was in comfy jammies, to change into clothes so they could stop by the store. When S came out, H said to him, why are you all dressed in black!? It's hot outside! You could see the frustration on S face, so I said, hey, you asked him to get dressed and he did....H corrected himself before I could finish and softly asked S, are you sure you don't want shorts on? S said no. I could see H caught himself and am seeing it more often. Most important to me in coming out of this situation is to see H and S in a solid R. It seems to be important to H too.
I know I will be just fine, if not better off
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
