May Divorce Be With You

[qt4x11]

It’s been about a week. I’ve been alright, I consider it a good week these days if I don’t get severe panic attacks or become morbidly depressed about some divorce related issue. Wife took the kids out of state to see her family, we had some back and forth before she left about selling the house, and she plans to move out this week or next. I think the kids are supposed to start school at their new school district this week. So I’ve been staying at my moms this past week. I really start missing the kids if I go a week without seeing them, but I’m supposed to get them for the weekend. I have plans to do something special for my little girl on her birthday and my family has already bought her presents.

Mostly I try to keep busy. My ‘life coach’ was really proud of me, that I was doing so many positive things in my life and really doing the work it takes to recover from this breakup. I told him, it’s really just survival. I found that keeping myself as busy as possible was the best way to keep myself from obsessing over the anxiety provoking divorce situation, and rehashing the ‘what ifs’ regarding our relationship. It’s simply unhealthy to focus so much on what is now the past, and replaying such negative thoughts in your head will only make you depressed and erode your self esteem. I have to try to get healthy and take care of myself right now. My wife has basically become a cold, scary stranger to me. We don’t talk except about the kids right now. I try to avoid interacting with her because it brings me down every single time. I don’t expect her to change her mind. I feel like she is really gone.

I really live my life these days according to my to do list app. I try to check off as many things as possible, and I try to fill my days with activities that will help me grow as a person. The majority of times I work. I try to really focus on my job, and I’ve been devoting a lot of spare time to working on my mobile app business. This past week I finished a new app to the point where it just needs the touch of a graphic designer and some nice icons, the actually functionality is done. I’m pretty proud of myself for that. I also finished another online business class. I told my divorce support group that I’m not going to focus on dating in my post-divorce life, I’m just going to focus on becoming rich. Now that the marriage is over - I feel like I don’t believe in love anymore, and there’s nothing left for me now but to try to become a huge success in business.

I wrote a song last week too, and my music is coming along pretty well. I’ve been playing a lot the past couple of months, a lot more than when I was married. I’m really going to try for my second album by next summer. Let’s see. I’ve been running longer distances - I think in a week or two I can start lifting weights again. I hung out with my brothers and cousins one night for poker night, and I also met up with a new friend I made through a divorce support group for dinner.

Life is just moving on. I don’t feel happy, I’m lucky if I don’t feel sad out of my mind. Everything’s changing so fast, I’m just trying to keep it together without becoming overwhelmed. Most of the time I just feel flat and empty, or I feel restless and neurotic - like I’m crawling out of my skin. Intellectually, I know that there’s a way forward - if I focus on taking care of myself and becoming a better person, being positive - things will definitely improve. How can they not improve? I’m at the low point of my life right now. But - I’m having trouble picturing how things could get better. I’ve lost so much - my wife of 9 years, my kids half the time, my house, a sizable portion of my monthly income, my dog, my identity - a dream we once shared of growing old together. Some of these things can be replaced, but some things cannot be replaced, and some things are forever broken.

I don’t know how to deal with these things right now. The thing that gets me most is thinking about the kids. I will miss so much of them growing up because I simply will not be there anymore, and possibly other people will step in to fill the role of father figure at least part of the time. This thing about co parenting - to think for the rest of my kids lives, someone who I can barely speak to anymore, who I only communicate in business like terms over text message, will be making important decisions about their lives. How awkward is that? So sad and awkward. Does it ever get better to the point where you are fine with the situation? I can’t even stand to think about it, although I guess I’m going to have to live it.

So that’s it lol. Right now there are a lot of unknowns, and I’m scared about being on my own again after a decade of being a married guy. Life still [censored], I’m just trying to get to the other side of this situation in one piece.