I was so proud of how I handled that particular situation so please don't take it away from me! :-)
Ok, seriously now: I understand how it may look like but no, it's not how we talked before. On the contrary, we would start talking and continue talking for hours with absolutely no result (if anything then just bigger distance between us). Or the result would be that my h expected me to apologize (especially if at any moment of the conversation he would say he was sorry - even if not very sincere sorry) and to accept my role in his reaction (i.e. tell him that though I don't approve of what he said/did/yelled etc. I understand he only did that because I pushed him to). And second big complaint would be that I always want to talk when he is too tired so then it's not an equal situation because he does not "function well when tired" so I have an upper hand (and yes, even if it's him who started the conversation) or he is forced to tell me something not nice just to make me upset and stop the conversation because all he wants to do is sleep. So, given the fact that it was 1a.m., we were guests at our friends' house (and when we talk my very temperamental husband keeps raising his voice) and we were both quite jet lagged, I concluded it was not the right moment to have this type of conversation.
Also, and this is also partly answer to your question about threads provided by Cadet, after being subject to his aggressive outburst (in public) I was really not willing to give him the validation he was looking for.
So, yes, the majority of the things in the threads provided by Cadet makes perfect sense (and reading and re-reading it does help me a lot) but I do have a little issue with being friend and validating when my h is acting like a bully. For someone who grew up in a very harmonious family, it's already very difficult to face his infidelity (multiple), raising voice (at me, kids, his parents...), aggression and moods, so MLCer or not there are limits to my understanding.
I do have a lot to learn still, I am amazed how some people on this forum handle the situation and I know I need to work on myself to get there. Working on it!
But I must say, that not getting myself into yet another conversation about everything and nothing must have worked because he was much nicer afterwards and it continues also now when we are back. He stays talking to me even if kids are no longer around and shares his stories from work with me again, did not sign a lease for an apartment I was against him taking (though he was determined to do so), he comes to our house almost everyday and was helping me a lot and driving me around when I had the problem with my eye. Part of journaling I still need to do. In exchange, he gets very nice treatment from me, a lot of encouragement for his work issues and validation of everything else...
