Trying to detach - part deux

[Coly23]

Hi Cherry, phew I'm glad you thought Painter's words were gold and not guilt! I re-read her post several times over in confusion!

Some days I think H is on the fence but sometimes I think he just wants an easy life without conflict so chooses to be civil to me. Or maybe I'm just being negative! I don't know, I'm trying to not read too much into his actions.

That made me feel so sad that you woke up to the sound of someone crying but it turned out to be you. I wonder if you had a sad dream like I did last night. I'm still thinking about it now. It was so vivid I felt I was reliving BD all over again!

I know I need to get myself back to some sort of normality. I sometimes wish my D was a toddler again so I could force myself to do fun activities with her but now all she wants to do is go out with her friends. I don't know why she doesn't fancy doing any sticking and gluing with me anymore!

I was thinking I might get my nails done soon. They are in a terrible state as I usually bite them (at the moment nail biting habit has increased ten fold!) and only ever get a manicure for going on holiday but this year I didn't feel like it :0( . Cherry, I like the fact that you and your friend got free pud the other day, now that's my idea if a GAL activity!

Yeah journaling does help a bit but sometimes I feel too mentally exhausted to put my feelings onto paper. I do like reading all the posts on here though, hoping that one day I will open one of your posts and get some good news. I also like looking at the piecing and hopefulness posts but what I find hard is looking at the really old posts in these forums and reading all the desperation and hope and then looking in their signatures to see that in the end they got a D or after piecing the LBS has become the WAS. That really caused me to have a mini breakdown the other day!

On a positive note, I am not sure what state I would be in without all you lovely people! Even though you are all going through your own pain you still have the strength to visit and help to prop me up and for that I am eternally grateful. I know I will get through this but I guess I have to walk that long and winding road and accept that I will stumble, fall and stray from the road but that it is ok to do that and to not beat myself up about it!