Trying to detach - part deux

[Painter]

I wanted to continue my train of thought a little (sorry if I'm rambling, I haven't had my coffee yet) - to add that once we acknowledge these feelings, accept them and let them happen, it doesn't mean we have to act them out with our partners. I don't think we need to hide everything - I believe that telling your partner if they open the door for you to share, that 'yes, I'm sad and scared and hurt, and I want us to fix this' is perfectly fine. It's saying 'I'm standing for the M' but not the same as crying and begging or threatening and bullying.

But I think Michele means that we need to take responsibility for ourselves and not sit and wait for our partner to change his or her mind and make us happy again. We can't be a one-note piano that only look teary-eyed and moping at our WAS (or glare furiously). They need to see who we are at our best to be reminded of who they originially fell in love with. It may not be enough in the end, but it is the best chance we have, and even if it doesn't work, we will be in a better place than if we don't do it.

Most importantly, during a time of rejection and hurt, WE need to be reminded of who we are - that we are independent people who have great qualities and that we are not worthless or defective because our WAS chooses to take another path.

Playing into that is the 180s - if we really weren't behaving that well, we can't insist that we were at our best in the M. I feel the 180s are about taking personal responsibility for negative behaviors. When the time is right, I think it's okay to say to our S, 'You know, you're right, I haven't been as loving/hard-working/supportive/financially responsible/participating/etc that I could and should have been. I need to do something about that.' Michele talks about showing it through action rather than words, so not to say 'I promise I will change', but rather do it because you yourself realize it's something you want to change about yourself.

Then you can put your goals at the end of it all. What do you want to see happen? Experiment with different approaches, there's no one solution that fits everyone. See what works and keep doing that. Be patient. Don't set a deadline for yourself, but review and make adjustments if it's not working.

It's crucial to have support in this time. I have leaned heavily on my friends, my support groups, my IC, my son - and they have all been very respectful of my choices and been there for me even if they personally thought I should toss WH in a ditch and set him on fire. I have made new friends and connections that I cherish, people who shared their story with me and helped me another step forward.

Right now, I don't believe my M will be saved. WH is living with OW and we have been separated since April. He has behaved absolutely dispicably. Our blended family has fallen apart and I have been completely devastated over it.

But thanks to Michele's techniques, I learned how to find support, how to find sources of joy in the middle of grief, how to pull myself up by the hairs of my neck, how to review my own behavior without beating myself up or taking responsibility for WH's choices, and even though I have also failed miserably at DB'ing at times, ultimately, I feel that I am better off than WH. Yes, he has our home, his income, a partner, and I'm living with my son, struggling with health issues and a limited income, but I think I'm happier, that I'm a more whole person, and that I'm okay with not being with someone.

I hope this can be helpful.