Trying to detach - part deux

[Coly23]

Hi All thank you so much for your posts. I have been reading but have had no energy to post I am so sorry, I hope you do not think bad of me.

Phoebe, I do feel like I am grieving. Grieving the loss of our 15 years of friendship, our six years of marriage, the loss of my hopes and dreams, of my soul mate. So much has been taken away without even a second thought or a chance to make things right. I think that's the hardest thing not being given a chance. My D said yesterday maybe it was all too good to be true that we both found someone who was a great husband and father and now he has left us.

I had a terrible dream last night that I tried to hug him in bed and he pushed me away saying that I made his skin crawl and he could never love anyone like me. I did something against BD rules and texted him about it and he came back and said that it was an awful dream and I'm awake now so it will be ok. But all I could think was I wish it were all just a dream but this is my realty now and I have to accept it. But acceptance is so hard. I keep beating myself up about why I can't stop crying and why can't I move on but what you are all telling me is that it is too soon to feel that way and that I should go through these emotions and feel each one.

Painter, the pressure to detach from H is enormous and I feel in some way that I am not being true to myself. I know I am probably enabling cake eating to a certain extent but for me as a person maybe I need to let go gradually not all in one go. Maybe that is what is eating me up inside. I don't know. Sometimes I want to pick up the phone to H and scream 'I don't want to play this game anymore!'

SH- I know I need to pull myself together and do stuff for me because this wallowing is making it worse but I don't know if I am ready to go all out GAL as yet. I have booked another session with the BD coach so hoping that's going to help and I'm just plucking up the courage to book some time with an IC. In all my years I have never had to get this much help even when I suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks just after we got married I managed to get through it without completely falling apart with no help whatsoever. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

SH, I also looked at the Black Door story, which you have recommended to others, and as much as I though it was great in demonstrating how we fear the unknown it was all a bit too hypothetical for me. I couldn't decide if I would have chosen the firing squad or gone through the door in all honesty! I guess what I am trying to say is a hypothetical example is going to get a hypothetical answer (as I keep telling my managers!) so I need to have some time to think how to apply it to my sich. I will also look at the Guy Winch stuff on-line. But I know do have a fear of the unknown, of my and my D's futures and of having to finally accept the finality of my sich.

H popped in again yesterday after dropping D off from work experience and I tried to keep my distance from him but he still came over and gave me a kiss. He says that he is happy with our arrangement to see each other as a family once week and was I ok with leaving it like this for the moment. I don't know I just wish I wasn't so weak .... :0(