Taking my first sip of the water

[ATPeace]

Hi

So I want to answer some of the points above but am unsure where to begin so I will just dive in and try and cover all the things mentioned

I went to the doctor and he refer e me to CBT therapy when I was assessed for cut he told me that it is not what I need and that at this point it will not help me as I am fixated on trying to hang on to my marriage

I have had about 12 sessions of IC
Most of them have been me going round and round trying to find a way to win my W back and get her to change her mind and work on the relationship

My current IC has been very helpful and we often talk about many different things and I believe that I will be able to talk to her about my fears of being alone.

So to sound like a broken record I have only ever had the one partner so my fear of loosing her is real what if I could never meet another person again

I feel pretty low about my looks I am overweight and still struggle with this I would have thought if I ever needed the motivation to do something it would be this

I am scared that the longer I am doing this the more distant she is getting

I want to fix this I am a fixer in my job but I cannot fix this

I feel not talking about our problems with each other is not addressing them like pushing them under the counter yet when we have talked it gets us nowhere

So I know sandis rules do not believe what she is saying yet this is hard she has told me that she will not change her mind ...in my experience she has never changed her mind so....why would she now or in the future

Changing the subject I met with a new client yesterday female and we struck it off really well together I was able to breath and be free to be myself this meeting was not about dating or me trying to impress a female but I was able to build a connection....I was happy and she was laughing and smiling at my humor and I realised just how unhappy my W is right now. So I guess what I am trying to say is I have no problem talking to females and if they look deeper than my looks then I am a really nice guy who ...tbh is not ugly I have very low self-esteem

So why am I so afraid to take the first step ...fear of loosing what I still have which is very little.

W says she still loves me probably always will but she has so much resentment and bitterness and she wants to live apart from me she wants to be herself live her life without me she feels that while she lives in the same house she cannot be herself.

The only way forward is putting the house in the market and giving her what she wants.

I am seeing my IC on Friday and I will make this session about my fears of what has not happened,

How important are looks to a woman I do not know why I ask this I am not looking for another relationship

All my W wants is equality me doing my share with the kids and the house

I am so scared that the further apart we get the more likely she will find herself falling for someone else and I cannot stop this

At least I can write this this morning from a state of calm without crying