update, -Friday I saw W, she picked up D from soccer practice. I asked W to meet me because I had a gal activity. W asked if I had to work, I said no but I have plans, W just said ok.
Saturday- I came "home" for the weekend. not sure what "home" is though...this isn't it. I came to visit family. They're a crazy bunch not good for my mental and emotional state. Very negative people, attitudes, rude, condescending...definitely someone I was turning into / was for a couple of years. Hard to be here, first time here in 5 years that I am without W or D, always brought one of them. As soon as I got here I got some amazing news from my sister, that I really wanted to call W to tell. (1 because she's MY person and 2 because she would be so exited) refrained. texted a friend instead. It set the tone for my weekend though, missing wife terribly. I'm anxious, nervous, just not good over all. My Cousin who's a year older than myself met me here. (I asked her to a few weeks ago, she too is going through a separation) Had an interesting conversation with C (cousin) It's tearing me up inside. I guess W and C talked around January...C said W said, I was controlling (which I was) and that I didn't "fight" fair. Once well in the beginning of our R (while still dating) I believe I grabbed her by the hand so she wouldn't leave and apparently that's me getting "violent" (for the record, I have never "hit" or "laid a hand" on her as people refer to. Or D for that matter. Just the thought that my W and C use that word to describe me makes me cringe) and as my C said, W said "always" I told C that W, as well as me, and I'm sure everyone else in the world exaggerates. A tendency W has is that, if something happens once that she doesn't agree with or doesn't like it automatically turns into "always" or "frequently". C said W was "miserable" C asked W why W wouldn't leave, W said because she couldn't...wtf. I didn't know what to say and I don't know what to think. W said she felt like she couldn't leave me. (yet when W asked me to move out, I obliged. Also W used to have a tendency of breaking up with me and Kicking me out, every time I would leave for a few hrs and W would call me back. This also goes with what I've posted a few times, W has a big tendency to say hurtful and mean things when upset / mad that she does not mean and takes back afterward) C asked if W was a cutter. (w told c. W was a cutter when she was young, not sure what age but outgrew it around 15/16) I told C yes, W in fact was a cutter, she's got a lot of little scars. The cutting thing C said- made her skeptical of what W said. C thinks that because W never saw an IC and growing up in foster care and being a cutter W's got some mental and emotional issues she's not worked through. I agreed. I made sure not to bad mouth my W. I told C that W's had it rough. I also made sure to ask C, what W thinks her mistakes were...there was a lot of finger pointing at me of course. C said W responded with her mistake was not standing up for herself more and not making her voice heard on how to raise D. That's fair, however certainly noted W has no faults in this marriage, other than that. I'm just so sad. I feel so terrible. after hearing this I really believe W and I have no future. I feel like calling her and apologizing. I could've certainly been a better spouse and parent. I know she contributed but I wish I could've just "gotten it" without her, in time. As I feel I "get" it now, certainly without her. I miss her, I want my W back. I'm aware our old marriage is no longer, but again after hearing this form january I truly feel we have no future. I feel so down and hurt. C told me I am different this time, she said she can see how I'm not very negative anymore. I'm making positive changed. C said I seem "nicer". That was certainly nice to hear.
Met up with an old friend...someone I thought I loved many years ago.(before I met w) We had a fall out because of me. I'm surprised she wanted to meet up. Had not seen her or really spoken to her in 2plus years. FA (friend A) did not hold back. FA asked "what happened to you" (this is the same thing W asks all the time, what happened to the sweet kind loving person I was) that certainly hit home. I told FA I didn't know. I got lost. It finally clicked when I saw my father in me. He's not a terrible person but he certainly was not a good one either. I could see myself turning into him. FA wanted to know who else I had pushed away. I told her just about everyone. FA was not surprised. FA gave me a spiel about how we must be careful because there's people that truly care for us and we push and push and finally the exit our lives. FA took a few other "jabs" at me, along with telling me last time we spoke I behaved badly and was rude, a jerk, and couldn't get a handle on my emotions. I validated a lot. I seem to validate people more. I'm working on listening well and validating apparently everyone. After about an hour of talking and FA being somewhat stand-of-ish and distant, FA warmed up. We had normal conversation, talked about family, work, school, friends, shared pictures of family and even laughed a little. It was rather nice. I thanked FA for meeting me, we shared a hug and we went on our way.
It was nice to see family. This isn't home. I'm struggling to find a home. and to feel at home. I don't know I'll find that answer anytime soon. Home is where your heart is, mine is with W. Sister told me it was nice to see me, Mom did too, they both said I should visit more often. This visit I was able to handle my self significantly better. I did not get angry, No one had an argument with me. I'm glad I came but I like my breaks. These 3 days were more than enough. They were extremely hard as I miss W terribly, yet I put on my brave single confident face.
I don't know how tomorrow will be. I have to catch an early flight. I will pick D up for soccer. I have not spoken to W. Not temp checks. Tomorrow I go back to this life I live now. Tomorrow I must get up and live one more day without my W and daughter. Tomorrow I will put on a smile and get through my day, not by choice. Tomorrow I will try to be thankful for all I have. Today...today I miss my w and wish I could call her.
