Trying to detach - part deux

[Painter]

So Phoebe posted at the end of your thread pretty much exactly what I was going to post at the beginning of this one:

Recognize that you are grieving. You are grieving the loss of your marriage, and I honestly think that this is one of the most complicated types of grief. Unlike the loss of a spouse, you have the added pain of rejection, and self-recrimination. You are grieving the loss of your ideas of the future, your dear friend, your dreams, your ideas of what your family looks like, the easy comfort of a long-time companion, and much, much more.

Grieving is a process, and one that you must go through in order to reach the other side. First, you need to acknowledge how you are feeling. There is no order to these feelings. You may be angry, then sad, then optimistic, then back to the human water fountain, and you can whip saw rapidly back and forth between those emotions. They are all normal and part of your own individual process. Know that whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal and let yourself feel it. If you fight the emotions, they only grow until the consume you. Feel them, let yourself cry or whatever, and let them pass through you.

This is what I've been doing as well, and what my IC says I'm 'really good at'. Not sure if that's what I want to be one of my main skills, but right now I guess I'll take it.

I think detachment is impossible early on. Putting pressure on yourself to feel detached when things are so raw could IMO be counter-productive because then you have another thing you feel confused over and failing at. We are attached to our spouses because we've been with them for a long time, and it's a long process to detach. We lose connection without losing attachment, and that is very painful.

What you can do, is accept what you feel but still work on your own development. It's easy to focus completely on your spouse and the relationship (I have that t-shirt), but try to make an effort to focus on yourself. In the DR book, you'll find the concepts of 180s, goals, GAL, and other activities and processes to focus on - I would suggest to do something every day that fills you with joy and peace. If you can't be around people, buy yourself some colorful, beautiful flowers and look at them throughout the day. Go to the movies by yourself to see a funny movie (it's a great way to get out of your head for a little while). Buy yourself something nice to wear or a big blanket, bath salts or new bedding, or get a manicure or a massage. Pick up an old hobby. Anything that makes you smile, laugh, or just feel comforted.

Those things fill your tank when you need it the most. It's like running a marathon, it's really important that you take in enough nutrition to handle the load on the body.

There is also a pinned post from the administrators here that this is not a peer counseling site, but a brainstorming forum. So take what you want from the posts you read, see what fits your particular situation - only you know everything that has happened in your R - and leave the rest. Hopefully you will find some of what we have experienced useful, both our failures and successes.