Hi Feyth, thank you for stopping by. Yes, I wanted to remind H of when he ignored my dinner invite not too long ago, but no, it's not how I roll either.
Life is good for me, feeling a bit tired lately, but I think between being back to school, work being busy and lots of H thinking going on, it has worn on me a bit. I am making sure to fit down time in, to recharge.
So last Sunday, I had told S it is get out of the house day. We decided to take dog to the park and to try out his new ball and bat I had gotten him at the beginning of summer. As promised, I sent H a TM to let him know our plans, at what time, and that he was welcome and knows where we will be! S and I got there and made conversation with a man who also came to enjoy the weather with his dog. I practiced some baseball with S and he liked it! I was shocked to see H pull up at the park. He came over while I was talking to man, chest was a little puffed out! Not going to lie! Lol but we all started talking, man referred to me as H wife (cringe) and H got more comfortable. Man left and H started showing S the proper way to use the baseball bat. Soon, the 3 of us were playing a one base game and S did great, it was really fun and so nice to see S enjoying something away from the electronics. Pat on my back!
It was a busy end of month at work. Friday was S fundraiser run. My co-workers wanted to come cheer S with me and we were able to have our sales rep watch the office while we all went to watch S go for his 36 laps. S was stunned and I was so grateful for my co-workers and their support. H was also able to make it, so S had quite the cheer team! He did all the laps and raised $570!!
Near the end of the run, I had to get back to work so I let S know I would be back after school to get him and said goodbye to H. I let H know I was running home to pack S snacks and would have him at work with me later. I ran home, and while packing snacks, H knocked on the door. He said they were running low on water so was grabbing some to take back for S. What!!?? Really weird but ok, I gave him some water bottles and off he went.
Saturday night, I went with friends to see an Elvis impersonator. What a blast! Sunday visited another friend to give her a belated birthday gift I had for her.
In the last week, I found out a friend of mine has rheumatoid arthritis and is seeking treatments. Also an acquaintance and good friend of my good friend died in a car accident. It's another reminder of how precious life is and how much of it is out of our control.
As far as H, we continue to TM, almost daily. Our interaction remains friendly, but I no longer feel it has any meaning to it. Just friends joking and keeping in touch. H is the initiator and I continue to be confused as to why he does it. Such mixed messages, but I am done trying to figure it out, that would be a waste of energy.
After 3 years of banging my head against a wall and standing for my marriage, I realize I have been standing and staying commited to something that doesn't exist. I don't regret doing that though, not one tiny bit. But I feel very clear and very sure that it's time to let that go. The second guessing it is gone, it's very freeing.
Yesterday when I picked up S, H mentioned having dinner tonight if I didn't have plans, I did my automatic response of "sure". But driving home, I thought about it and realized, I really don't want to. I mean, why bother? I'm over it, a strange change in me. S hates eating out, so it wouldn't be for him. So today, he asked to switch his night with S from tonight to tomorrow, but was still open for dinner. I just replied that switching was fine. I didn't mention dinner.
So Job, is this a normal transition you have seen in the LBS? I feel no desire to put any effort into H other than things related to S. It's not out of anger, I just don't feel like it. I figure it's a normal step after 3 years of rejection! Lol. I guess the next time he mentions getting together for something like dinner, and I don't feel like it, I can just say thanks but I am not feeling up for that? Or just make an excuse? It's a very new place for me.
All in all, I think about my sitch often, a lot of processing going on, especially about the changes in me. I keep expecting to feel that ping of fear, or that worry of letting go too soon, but it hasn't come like so many times before.
S and I are doing great and so happy we ended up being able to have the whole day and night together.
Sending you all good wishes! M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
