Maybell 40

[Maybell]

I don't want to end things but I am fearful that I've fallen into this relationship so promptly. Also that I'm going to get seriously hurt again and I don't have it in me. The fear of being abandoned can sometimes be so overwhelming that I just want to jump ship before I'm hurt.

Don, your point about my inexperience is well taken and definitely one I've considered. I didn't count my college boyfriend of two years because there was no adultness in that relationship -- it was unhealthy and terrible. I did a tiny bit of dating in between the college guy and Mr. Fantastic, a couple of dates here and there and one six week thing that was just me flinging myself at someone out of desperation. This experience with My Guy is NOTHING like any of those experiences. Rather than watching him with rose colored glasses, I'm keeping an eye out for every red flag just to make sure I don't repeat my previous mistakes. That makes me a bit flighty and hyper-reactive.

I'm sad to say, yes, I'm pretty much of a handful. Don't mean to be.

WRT to being "on" -- The time we spend together, for the most part, has been about being totally absorbed in one another for like 36-48 hours at a time. It's lovely but not always totally relaxing. I work in a profession where I have to be constantly talking to people. Sometimes I just want to be quiet -- but I feel like I'm short changing him when I am. I would love for us to evolve into the sort of relationship where I don't find myself scrambling to do the laundry at 10:00 on Thursday night so I don't have it hanging over my head on Sunday night after spending a beautiful weekend together. Occasionally we'll spend time together helping one another with household chores, and one lovely weekend I spent at his house studying for a test while he was working on house projects. I want more of that... And so does he. But balancing the kids, work schedules, etc., and the fact that we don't live together means that when we spend time together it's about focusing on each other. I want to relax a little more with him and have more life together, not just time together. He jokes about moving into my garage -- so we could be near each other without having to give up our own lives.

Whether he's really so wonderful... In the course of our conversation, he said something about me that made me laugh and realize he really is just an ordinary guy. I said something to that effect and he said yes, he's just a normal guy, but he's been through a lot of therapy for different things (very difficult childhood and had a professional interest in psychology for a long time) and he can see my contradictions for what they are. It takes a lot of patience to put up with my anxieties. I don't hide them, so he can see them for what they are, which I think helps. He says I communicate really clearly which makes it easier.

Lately maintaining links with friends has been a little tricky because I'm stretched pretty thin, but it is happening on both sides.

Does that explain things better? I do love him. I can see being with him forever. Mr. Fantastic & I were planning marriage at this point and I do NOT see that with My Guy in the next few years... But I'd like it to happen someday. Which is totally terrifying.