SO I was on here about 8 years ago when my first wife left me. Ended getting a divorce. she remarried soon after, and I remarried 2 years ago. (dated 2 years before that) I am just going through highs and lows right now. This time its hard, but I am more empowered now. I DO NOT want to lose her! I do not want to lose my step kids!
It's the deal where I see my faults. I see what makes her unhappy. She told me that part of it is that I am depressed and unmotivated. She is a high achieving A personality.. and I am not. She wants me to do more than just survive. It brings her down.She doesnt even want to come home from work. She just told me that she would eat ice cream on the way home, and then put on a happy face when she got home.
I found out that I had ADD a couple years ago. I am learning how it affects relationships. We were (or should I say are) a classic couple where the ADD person takes the role of child and the normal spouse takes the role of adult.
We just bought my parents house, and took on the task of cleaning, purging, and remodeling. It has been in process since last December, and I know that the mess has taken a toll on her emotions as well.... she gets stressed and has anxiety over cluttered messy houses.... and this does not help.
I dont think she is seeing anyone else. I could be wrong, but I dont think so.
she told me the news about 5 days ago.
and I told her we could talk about it later, as she was going to be busy with her second job at night, and sleeping during the day.She works weekends at night to help get out of debt.
anyway, sorry about the lack of abbreviations.. I will try to learn them as I go.
I was just hoping that someone had insight into marriage where one spouse has ADD and is unmotivated and depressed, and the other is high driving type A....
I told her that I would like us to get couple counseling, but she said that that would not change her mind.
Anyway, It's nice to have this forum to let it all out, and hopefully get some support.
tex - I can't help you with any of those questions but welcome back (sort of). There's a great group of very supportive people currently on the board and I believe that some of them have similar issues and I'm sure they'll chime in when they pass by.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry that you had to come back, Tex. So is your W still in the house right now? Are you separated within the house, or still together?
You say you are unmotivated, but it seems like you must be if you're back on here. Have you been getting help with depression?
Sorry so many questions, but it helps us know you better.
...Yes, she and I are still in the same house. She told me last week that she was on the edge of divorce. We said that we would discus it yesterday or today. Today she told me straight up that she wantede the divorce. That counseling would not change her mind when I brought up that option.
She had gained some weight over the last two years that we were married.. and has had a hard time losing it. She just told me that she has lost 8 pounds since she decided to consider divorce.. That she hasnt been eating the junk fiood like she was... probably emotional eating...
seems like the classic "happier with having a plan to escape" mentality.
But we still live together and share the same bed.. but we shall see how that goes... now that she a "made up her mind".
Still we will probably live in the same house, as we are in process of remodeling it.
I did go several times for counseling for ADD and depression, but the counselor said it was likely more ADD causing depression.. so she focused on that.. Still, I have not dealt with either all that much. Cant afford the ADD meds.. well, not until probably next month.
Sorry you are here buddy. Clearly you know you have some issues. I have no doubt that your W has her own but we can't do anything about those. We can only work on yours. So what can you 180? For me, the advice in these situations is very clear if you buy into the DB process. You detach, 180 and GAL. So start there. If you are struggling with ADHD, you need to get on some meds. The meds don't have to be expensive. Tell your physician that you have financial issues and they can prescribe you something less expensive.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I am keeping talk short and simple, fairly detached it seems.. the last few conversations... no "i love you"s when i hang up the phone with her...or one of us leaves the house...just bye.. It feels a bit weird, but it also seems like she is trying to figure that response, or lack there of, out.
