I don't know what there is to report. My Guy and I had a big dust-up, partly because he did a couple of things I strongly objected to. In spite of a couple of conversations (which included ILY) the situation rose to a head and I almost ended it. He responded in a way that salvaged things. We had one more big conversation and it worked out.
In the course of the weekend he observed that I always seem ready to run off and that the commitment seems to be scaring me. On his side, he said "You've got three kids. Not one. Not two. THREE. It's a lot." And D13 showed her most difficult side this weekend, too, so he's got a lot to make him hesitate. She keeps trying to enlist him as an ally against me, and he doesn't bite, but he does what he can to defuse the situation. It can't be easy on a guy with no kids.
I'm trying to rebuild my expectations for what a relationship IS. I would like to spend a lot more time together if we didn't have to be engaged with each other constantly. It's exhausting to be ON all the time that we're together. But I want to be with him a lot more than I am, and it stresses me when we're apart. Probably scars from Mr. Fantastic. I should not feel anxious just because we're apart. But I don't know where the balance line is. I want to hear from him once in a while, just to know I'm on his mind. I don't know how much of that is reasonable to want and how much I should be able to just chill out. That said, we do have plans to get away next weekend. Given the way this past week went, I'm anxious to see them play out smoothly. I want things to be even keel.
We spent yesterday together with the kids and in spite of D13's charm, he did say he felt blessed to have us with him. I could see that was true -- he looked so relieved to have people to be responsible for. He's excellent with all three kids, and both D13 and S8 have started to hug him and then shied away at different times. I do not know how to navigate this.
Surfer, you've told me a bunch of times to be my sassy self. Believe me, when I'm relaxed, I am! He wouldn't stick around with a Debbie Downer all the time. He seems to have a pretty clear understanding of who I am and has embraced the idea that he can best care for me by helping me be calm. I worry this isn't totally healthy for him. I feel like I can best care for him by providing nurturing and giving him something to care for. We meet outside of our *needs* with the differences we both bring to the table wrt interests and knowledge.
Part of what we talked about this weekend was expanding our circle beyond ourselves and trying to create a joint social life.
I don't know what life has been like for the rest of you but for me this is only my second adult relationship (including my marriage) and life with Mr. Fantastic was not nearly so intentional. I enjoy time with My Guy and though there are things I'm not super thrilled about, the level of self-awareness and intentionality with him are so much greater than I'm accustomed to that I can't help but wonder if this is how adult relationships typically go or if I'm in a specially good one. I like to make him happy and I like the ways he makes me happy. Is this what real life is like?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
