MLC, WAW or WW?? Who really knows? Help...pls

[Surfer]

ROE,

"Detaching and feeling better" looks better than craft beer by far to me - and I love an ale!

Keep it up. You are doing great. DOn't fall into the unfriendly fire trap! No need to respond. Just do exactly what you are doing.

Perfect DB'ing IMHO.

Surfer.

[RosaLinda]

Her response to my agreeing with her about D,,, it was more of a knee jerk response, defiant and intended to inflict hurt. Can't remember the exact words since really didn't care but it was snarky and vindictive. I did not react I just stayed true to what I said and said nothing more. Since then, she's tested me a couple of times by goading me into a fight or into saying something provocative. I've not fallen into the trap. smile maintained expressionless but confident silence. I also started doing some homework to get the process rolling. I think she knows I'm ready and willing to D and move on. I'm not making an ultimatum but giving her a boundary for how she threatens me and also letting her know that I'm finished with living in the shadow of the OM and their behaviors. The A is their problem, not mine

I agree with Surfer, that was some awesome DBing Roe! Surfer, I read your latest thread, and you are doing great too.

You are both getting so emotionally hardy, detached, calm, strong. It's great to see.

I'm still not going to be the one to file. Filing would negate my stance that I did everything possible to salvage our MR.

I'm so glad to read this, but maybe it's time for you to see a lawyer Roe, just to learn your rights so you can protect yourself and your children if she does file.

I'm sorry your wife saw OM Friday night, but it seems like you had a great time anyway. What are your plans for the rest of the holiday?

Did you read SH's post to Surfer, and Surfer's summary? It is priceless advice. I'm going to read the chimp paradox too, S. Thanks

[Surfer]

ROE, Linda,

I could summarise that book so easily. But it's a must read IMHO. It's gets to the core of the emotional response position and allied with Mindfulness - there's lots of free apps out there (Headspace etc) you will see how they work in'Chimping out' and what you can do to detach from your feelings...as such.

I hope you do read it, and look at the free headspace app. It will help - I hope. It did me.

Keep going, it gets so much easier.

Surfer.

[ROE]

Well the Holiday weekend is drawing to a close. As expected W has spent very little of Thais time at home. And when home she avoids me at all costs. It's tough on me but I am rolling with it. She spent Friday evening w/OM. On Saturday she was busy running but I'm certain that somewhere during the day she and OM connected somehow, I just try not to ask questions anymore. Sunday she spent the entire afternoon with him working on remodeling a home for a friend of ours. I'm sure that today will also include them finding yet another reason to get together. Detaching is terribly difficult. Sometimes I just can't take the disrespect any longer. even with small talk or if I offer to help her with something I am criticized or find myself wanting to defend myself somehow. But instead I take a deep breath and say nothing. Just walk away from the situation. Very frustrating. It's probably best that she avoids me anyway, even if with OM. Though that being a major problem for us. It is only forcing me to build a wall to protect myself from her behavior.

ROE

[ForGump]

As you probably realize already, your W has to keep criticizing you and make you into someone she can hate, so that it justifies her own behavior. It would be disorienting for her, and make her feel guilty, to recognize that you're a decent, loving husband.

[RosaLinda]

As you probably realize already, your W has to keep criticizing you and make you into someone she can hate, so that it justifies her own behavior. It would be disorienting for her, and make her feel guilty, to recognize that you're a decent, loving husband.

Absolutely, Roe. It's the only way your wife can justify her actions, and is part of the "script" every WW and MLCer dishes out. Not sure if realizing that makes it any easier to stomach, but it's true. I had a really hard time during my ex's periodic nasty periods, and Job advised me to keep a rubber band around my wrist to snap when I felt like I was going to snap, to remind me to STFU and walk away.

Where were you and your kids while your wife was spending all this time with the OM this weekend?

[ROE]

Hi Linda,/ Gump, thank you both for the obvious take on what is happening. Doesn't make it anymore pleasant but it does set ones mind at ease if nothing else but for just a little while. Thanks

W has taken the kids with her on some occasions, not all. It's mind blowing really. Which is difficult for me to endure and set boundaries. Again, he's been around my family for a few years now and W uses this to their advantage. I know the 2 oldest are aware of what is happening but for them it's also awkward. I'm really at a loss. I'm not sure what to do about it other than draw up an ultimatum or file. Though I'm not planning to file, it does seem as a viable option and becomes more attractive every time I think about it. So I try to not think about it. I do feel like I'm going crazy. Anyway, thank you for your support

ROE

[ForGump]

ROE-- I don't know how you do it. I don't actually witness my wife spending time with OM. If I had to do that -- it would just be over for me. Time to file. I know I don't have what it takes to endure it.

You have to decide whether holding on is worth whatever benefits you see. You have to also consider what you want to communicate to your kids. Are you setting a good example.

I wish I can say something encouraging for you. I'm just not feeling encouraged for any of us in this forum, due to my own problems.

What do your professional counselors say? Hang in there? Or divorce and move on?

My heart goes out to you.

[ROE]

Gump, funds are very tight at the moment, so IC is out of the question. Which is the same reason W has not moved out yet. We are closing today on a real estate property so this offers some financial relief. I fully expect W to move out at any moment after we close. I'm also expecting to get served any moment as well. Really, today's closing is the catalyst to force the inevitable into motion.

ROE

[ForGump]

ROE, I'm thinking about you and your situation today, man. It's really tough, what you're going through. Tough.

Can't recall your general line of work, but if you have health insurance, it's really worth a call to them to find out what benefit you have for psychological counseling. Many general health insurance policies include counseling. It's just good to have a real live human being to talk to about everything you can't talk about with others.

For what it's worth, take some pride in knowing you tried your best to do the right thing. Meanwhile, you W and the OM -- they're doing some really destructive, hurtful stuff. They won't just walk away from that unscathed. That kind of character -- or the lack of -- will haunt them for the rest of their lives. At the very least your kids know you did the right thing, if not now, they'll know when they're older.