Cherry. H is filing and leaving. Working on me

[Surfer]

Thanks for letting me know you see what I am doing. I am actually trying to keep you on course. You are the one I check on most as I get how hard it must be (can't empathise fully of course) as I have experienced what pregnancy can do to 'feeling emotion intensely'. I also know what it's like having a toddler. So. Rest assured I am watching to help - only. Like many others are, think of these people as guardians for you, your S and baby. It's hard as even you MIL (or others) will have the best intentions but are not anywhere near properly qualified. They either don't have the experience (and I am no vet) or they have a concious or unconscious bias to protect you. Neither are good. Nil agenda and knowledge with a desire to keep you on track is important. Hope that is clear.

I feel like I didn't walk into his trap, I held my tongue at a lot of things I would have loved to have spewed back myself but I knew better than to take his anger and match him.

Good. You are getting there. Keep this up - perfect. On the 'being civil'. That's good too. But 'act as if' is good too. This takes time. You have to be able to detach more to be able to do it and it's so tricky under the same roof. Been there, done it. You will get there. Keep trying. Never spew. You seem to get this but will have made the mistake before - we all have; we are human.

It does 'wear off' absolutely right. For all M's. That's the part. Date night, loving gestures. M is about working at it after the fact. How to let someone know you care. Simples!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

The free deserts BTW. Lovely ego boost - yes! You must have been smiling. Decent men only see beauty in a smile, ladies need to have a certain something, but even with that certain something, without a smile - they are unattractive.

My point therefore is this. That friends made you smile. Spend time with her. Smile more. Even if you feel really sad and want to cry - smile. Even on your own. Try it, it makes you feel happier. A smile must release endorphins I guess? I ready this. I remember reading this in the 'dark days'. It helps.

I hope that friend is the one that just listens and validates your feelings. The one that didn't pass judgement I read about. If it is great - spend more time with her. If not double great, you have two great people who boost you!

All the best! Very proud of how you are getting this! And you are....you are moving forward. Very pleased. Give yourself a well deserved hug!

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Thanks surfer, I always appreciate the support and the fact that the advise you give me is to make sure I am staying on track with this.

I feel it will be acting for a good while until I feel more at peace right now. I know at the moment, as awful and selfish as this is- but I am in no way ready to wish him well with his life, I'm just not.

The date nights was a thing we started to do after the last time. But then after a while, it became date nights where we would meet up with his friends, and then I began to feel like I was imposing on their night. I guess he had given up and I was still working to make him happy, but we all know that this just doesn't work one sided.

Yeah this is my true best friend, she's been there through every challenging situation in my life, and has always been there for me when others haven't. We had a girls trip to Paris earlier on in the year when wh had started checking out again. And she doesn't tell me what to do or dole out advise, she just tries her best to keep me busy and keep me smiling.

He has kept himself locked away again. He only comes out once everyone is up and in bed. He didn't bother to say goodnight to s and hasn't even seen him really all day. His loss ultimately. I know I put my s to bed smiling and had my goodnight kiss from him. Now I shall have a well deserved rest and pamper

[Surfer]

Bless you.

[PsySara]

You're doing great, Cherry. You're WH is being an utter and total @ss. There is no way it's not registering somewhere in that thick skull of his that he is making the worst mistake of his life.

In the meantime keep being that classy and beautiful woman. Anyone with half a brain can see you are the winner and your WH is the loser in this.

[Cherry]

I wish that there was a way I could get that through to his mind, but I really don't think that I can do.

But thanks Sara, I'm trying my best to keep ploughing forward. I haven't done the pregnancy massage but I think that will be a must do when I start to get bigger, I'm slim and had a teeny 24 inch waist a few months back and before I had s, and in my pregnancy I suffered bad rib flare because I was a small frame. So if the pain is anything like last time this shall be a must. Had a little pamper where possible this weekend. I know it sounds a rather shallow thing to focus on for GAL, but it does make me feel a fair bit better about myself. Everyone at work was commenting on how "glowing and beautiful" I looked, I don't feel that way, but I must learn to accept people's compliments better and stop putting myself down.

So I shall be all primped and preened for tomorrow. I don't even think I'm concerned about bumping into ow. There is no way she would have the nerve to cross me, and if she did decide to say anything to me- well god help her.

[SH_]

My dear Cherry.

I see that Blu stopped by Coly's thread and left a little advice on discontinuing the focus on the WH.

Please take heed to this.
It is for your benefit.
You are a firecracker from all tat I have learned about you in your story and I understand the Latina woman spunk and temperment and all as I have some close friends of the similar temperament, but you are not in a good emotional or physical condition to keep allowing that to fuel you.

You deserve better, and you can have better by keeping the focus squarely on you.
Re watch Guy Winchs' emotional first aid ted talk.
You have the power and control to take him out of your mind with a concentrated focus.

My challenge to you is to go all week with out a post that references him or what you think he is thinking or doing or how poorly he is behaving.
Venting has it's place, but the daily venting leads to rumination and that is no bueno for you right now.

I love this quote and thought you may be able to read and ponder on it.

“A man's mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will, bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weed seeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind.” James Allen

(((((Cherry)))))

[Surfer]

You can't get through the to his mind stop trying.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

SH, thank you for the post and support. I shall try my upmost to not post about him or his thoughts. Sometimes I feel when I journal in here though I get my anger or frustration released rather than at him!

I haven't seen that ted talk, so I shall check that out after work in the evening. Id like to think my concentration is becoming more focused on me. The more he lets me down or spews the further it pushes me really.

Surfer, I gave up on that a while ago. I think MIL is thinking I've given up, she like many others like you say mean well but they don't understand the db principles and there has to be a way to get through to a wayward. And there simply isn't, it's their own mess that they need to work through.

The news is getting round work more now. It's a little awkward as they think me and wh are fine (although he hasn't told those that he close to that we're expecting- again not my problem). I'm actually kind of hoping I see ow from a distance and she gets a good look at my somewhat prominent bump. Work is a good distraction, I no longer find myself crying in the toilets! I'm just keeping on at my job the best I can and having fun with colleagues that make me smile. Like you guys say, it releases those endorphins, wether I actually feel happy or not. I'm just focusing on my babies, I want my s to see integrity, and want him to see when he's older that I tried to do all I could to make this m work. I also want him to see a strong woman who never made him feel unloved. I will always try my best to do my best by him- working hard, supporting my family and getting on the best I can. Pregnancy is starting to feel really real. After the scan and seeing my baby doing summersaults, and my bump sticking out. I want to try and embrace this time the best I can, despite the sickness, I love being pregnant. The thought that you are growing a person makes me feel like a true woman, my body is doing something amazing. And I love babies, the thought of having a lovely little newborn and a sibling for s is exciting. And while I feel a tad nervous about being a single mom, I think wh has been wayward for two years on and off- so I've been doing the single mom thing for a long time- I CAN do it.

[Cherry]

So another day done. No bumping into ow, did bump into wh though, I was planning on ignoring, but he gave me his fake chipper voice, obviously to save face, asking if I was okay, I just smiled said "yeah, fine" and carried on walking. I've actually been kind of happy to be in work recently, for the distraction really, and the time away (sort of) from my situation (even though they are BOTH there). I have a lot of caring supporting people there looking out for me, so I know I will have some great support.

Got home and made dinner. Me, s & mil ate together and then I did the bedtime routine. Bit the bullet and sent a text to wh and said there was leftovers in the fridge. I didn't know wether to do this or not, I had no expectations of a message back (I didn't get one) but I thought I would try and get some peace with my thoughts and kind of lead by example. I got s ready for bed, and went to bed myself. The evenings are a tad lonely. But I get in my room, light some candles, and make it relaxing, watch some tv and have a pamper. I really need to try and improve my sleep so I can make it through the day a bit better. Me and coffee are not friends right now and I usually rely upon this!