How to rekindle love? (2)

[Rose888]

I don't know of this will help, but that idea (that women feel pressured to have orgasms) is pretty common. I've heard people talk about it on Internet forums and read discussions of the issue in books on improving sex in marriage.

[Rose888]

Journaling:

I feel almost guilty posting, because I know my sitch is nothing like what some of you are dealing with, but I still need the DB process, and it helps to record.

I find that as we get firer from the crisis, it's easy to lose focus on some of the 180s. Not the sex one, but the emotional fusion/detachment one and the GAL.

One small, insidious example of emotional fusion. Friday, H and I went out to dinner and walking around town. We stopped at a shop that sells ice cream and chocolates. As we were waiting for our ice cream cones to be scooped, I mention how much I love fudge. H commented that I must not love it as much as I love ice cream, and I realized that I would have rather had fudge, but I didn't consider getting it because H was getting ice cream. So stupid.

I also struggle to not take ownership of his moods and to not expect him to soothe my moods.

Emotionally, it's a mix. On the one hand, I think it's highly likely that H is acting loving without feeling loving. My primary love language is words of affirmation, and I'm getting none of those, but I'm getting lots of acts of service and quality time and physical touch.

On the other hand, even knowing he might be acting as if instead of feeling it, I am happy. I'm kind of amazed that I can be happy even knowing things are shaky.

Detachment. GAL. Must keep the focus there.

[J5K]

Rose,

I am glad to hear that you are happy. I have also realized that I am the only one that can make me happy. Our S's doing things for us is a bonus.

Whether we label things as piecing or reconciliation, those of us here need to treat things as a business until the emotional connection returns for both Ss. It is not easy and will have it's ups and downs but I feel it is worth the fight!

I also just want to thank you for all your support as you have given me some very different perspectives on how to view my sitch from a different POV and some good 2 x 4's.

(((Rose)))

[SH_]

I feel almost guilty posting, because I know my sitch is nothing like what some of you are dealing with, but I still need the DB process, and it helps to record.

Rose, please don't feel guilty.
We each have our own path and journey to travel, but yours is not less, because of the details are different than many others.


It is your story that gives hope to others that want to be on a similar path.

I enjoy reading what you share and your advice and feedback to others is certainly spot on.
I am grateful for your POV and story here.

Keep up the efforts and you and your family are in my prayers.

[Rose888]

Jim and SH, thank you so much for the support and kind words!

[SH_]

Just reposting from my thread in case my long windedness bored you before seeing my reply for you.

Rose, it is pleasure to have you drop by.

SH, your daughter is so lucky to have you.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you help your daughter through this. I think I would learn some parenting tips I could use with my child with social anxiety. (I don't think he's an introvert, but maybe. Can you be a talkative introvert?)

Thank you. And I am lucky to have my daughter. She is such an example to me.
Let me know and we can chat and share the things I teach and learn from d18.
And yes, you absolutely can be a talkative introvert. There is some fascinating information out there as it relates to introverts. I wish I would have looked into more of it years ago, instead of accepting it as a curse.

Drop by more often as I would love to converse with you.

[SH_]

Thanks for the reply.

I find your daughter's decision to get rejected on purpose to be very brave. My kiddo isn't there yet. Is there anything you did as a parent that you feel helped get her to the place where she could address her issues so bravely?

What is the most helpful response you've found to a teen who is melting down over a social event?

Really, I'll take any crumbs of wisdom you can offer.

Hi Rose,

As her father I tried to teach her to trust herself and how to look for valuable information to teach herself. We live in a wonderful time with golden info right at our finger tips.

The top informational things she is into right now are a podcast called the Art of Likability.
Ted talk by Brene Brown and anything with her.
She also seeks out info about emotional intelligence and self love.
Susan Cain's Ted Talk about Introverts and her thoughts.
And lots of motivational speakers, their youtube vids, books ted talks etc

My part is to encourage her.
Learn with her
Listen as she shares her thoughts and ideas about it all.
And stand back and let her fall, but support her.
I also struggle with much of what she displays, so I tend to see and understand her challenges.
This is a sore point with STBX, as she is of the thought that I created our d18 this way.....that is another story.

I make many mistakes as I work with her, but we grow together and she teaches me how to better help her.


Anyway, let me know if this helps, outcomes, other questions as I would enjoy the opportunity to chat about our kids as a change of pace from the other stuff.

[Rose888]

Thanks, SH.

Where I struggle is that this kid doesn't seem to believe that he can change. And my efforts to get him to believe in his ability to change remind me of some of the threads on here.

I get frustrated watching him suffer when there are things he could do to help himself. And I never parent well from a place of frustration. I try to model self-improvement and continuing to try different approaches until I find one that works, but I can't see that it has much effect.

Any thoughts on that aspect would be much appreciated.

[SH_]

Ugh...I am so bad at this....
kept meaning to reply and then I would side track.
I really am gonna come up with a better method to my madness in this forum.


Yes, the kid that does not believe....
My D18 was that way for some time.....
Your not gonna want to hear this, but...
Patience...consistent attempts to find that common ground and interest that opens up the opportunity.

I get frustrated watching him suffer when there are things he could do to help himself.

Really?!?! I did not see this as a challenge for you. LOL
Just kidding...I noticed you are like me in this manner....it is a point that I am trying to change for myself at home, work, even here some days.....
I know others just are not going to see it the way I do, so I must enhance my ability to positively influence....Then it is up to them....I can not force them to do what I know will help them.

Talk...that is another thing that I believed that helped me.
I work to make space for her to talk to me....I find the she works out more of it by talking to me than anything I have ever say.

I also drop small things for her...
Texts with quotes...
YouTube video that she may find interesting...
short articles from the web about topics...
Things that share what I would share, but for some reason when it comes from another source, our children are more apt to pay attention and grab on to it.


What other details might you be able to share with me?
Examples of things you are working on with him or want him to work on?
Maybe we can test some things and see what you get.
Not gonna lie to you. I'm not a super dad so much as I trial and error as much as possible to find what works for my kids.
I never found that perfect dad manual that I always wanted to buy so it would be easy...
And I think God knew I needed really good kids, because they may teach me more than I really think I teach them...... or I am just one lucky SOB

[Rose888]

Yes. Patience. Trying to "strew" helpful materials. Talking.

I've tried all of these with mixed success.

One recent example was not wanting to go to a party for a school activity. It's a largish group (for our area). Teen has social anxiety about parties. I never know whether to encourage going, or how hard to encourage. Gentle encouragement was not working, and then kid got sick.

Another example is trying to reframe negative thoughts around stress or school or interactions with friends. If there are two ways to frame things, one that makes it not about him and one that makes him feel bad about himself, he always chooses the second.

I did have one success last week. He came to me upset about an issue at school, and I found myself trying to fix it, and he was getting frustrated with me. Then I caught myself and switched to validating, and he quickly returned to a calmer state.