Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[SH_]

Good evening.

I have thought much on the things shared with me and questions asked.

I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words.

So you think that you can change that about yourself ??

I'm not sure that one can change themself from being introverted..

It's how we are built..

I do think that I can change myself.
Not that I can pull the introvert out of me.
But that I can understand that which is hard wired and that which is malleable.

My first goal is to understand that which it means to be an introvert and accept it.
Then I will understand what I can do to adjust certain habits to benefit and capitalize on the social connections and interactions that can benefit me and those with whom I choose to have as part of my life.

There is much information, both scientific and psycological that can aid me in this venture.
Intrigued by much that I have read already.

What you can do however, is to understand it, work within the confines, and embrace that about yourself, and understand how it plays into your activities, and communication.

This is what I believe as well

My goal is to be the best me, there is with the tools that I have and the skills that I can apply to habits that will benefit in this venture.

I agree to a point that one may not be able to change from an introvert to an high energy extrovert.
Kind of like I can never become a body builder like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
But I can become the best, in shape 45 year old father, and man, with conditioning and strength that I have not had since my early years in the Army.
I have done that through dedication, consistency and creation of habits that have provided "change" to my health and physique.
I truly see emotional health and limits the same as physical ones.
You work with what you have and you create habits that push you to the next level of your potential.

For instance..

I know that I have introverted tendencies, and for the most part, I AM an introvert.

I understand that being passionate about something removes all of that, right up to the point that I "run out of gas" , and duck back into myself for a quick recharge.

As an introvert, I "think" within myself as well. I gather information, hear opinions and advice, then I crawl into myself to search for the answer that suits me the best.

As an introvert, I need to be really careful how I communicate. I give information as an introvert, yet I am guilty at times of expecting information as an extrovert.

Answers , for me, come in my time, yet I expect answers on my time as well, and that often doesn't play well into another persons criteria.

This is what I am learning about myself now.
I am seeing that I am not a broken human being.
I fear that I had break downs out of desperation over many years in my MR and what came out was behavior that I am not proud of.
Behavior that ultimately drove my STBXW straight out of my MR.

In my marriage, my ex was an extrovert. WE , handled communication very poorly.

She would ask a question, and want an answer on her time. Answers that I did not have yet. And I would become frustrated, because not only did I not have an answer yet, I didn't know how to communicate that I didn't have an answer...

The exact opposite for me, I would ask the question, get the answer, lather rinse repeat if it turned into a discussion of any depth.

I tended to think my W was an extrovert.
I have had it pointed out that she may be more introverted than I realized.
Now that I am learning this, I see it.
The issue is when she would force extroverted behavior she comes off as very socially awkward and creates uncomfortable situations.
I am seeing that she struggled with communication, because somewhere in her life, she determined that things just need to flow and effective communication is not needed. If anyone disagrees with her, she shuts down. This is where I realized more introverted tendencies. She needed time to think it over.
Unfortunately her thinking things over became rumination and a creation of her truths that may not align with what is.
The sad reality is this approach is really deteriorating her relationship with her D18.
That is an update for another time though.

The month before the BD, was a very poor month for me.
I had some things fall through on some big plans and I withdrew.
Withdrew to recharge and figure it out.
I withdrew so deep that from the outside I appeared a zombie.
I recall her asking me many times if I was okay and if I was mad, or sad or what was wrong with me.
Initially I knew that I was not any of those things.
I was simply trying to figure it out in the confines of my comfortable space.
She pushed hard.
I tried to explain in a calm manner.
She did not understand and pushed harder.
I tried more desperately to explain and this went round and round until.........poof....all up in smoke.

To me the really heartbreaking part of this all, was that I was seeking out knowledge for all of this before the BD.
I was doing this because I wanted to identify my issue in our 19 years of communication issues.
I came from a training called emergenetics which discusses much of this about people and the hard wiring of the brain.
Well guess what the results of the assessment were for me?
I fall into a category that less than 10% of folks that go through this fall into.
I require great amounts of organization and thought in order to move on things, I am very quiet when in groups and I prefer to avoid confrontation.
I was discussing this with D18 when she said, maybe we can all do the assessment and then learn better ways to interact based on the outcomes for the family.

My WAW threw this in my face several times on her way out and called it BS and that I should think for myself and not listen to what every one else says about how I am.

Hmmm......????

I will continue to seek out knowledge and learn for this.

I lost over 60 lbs through dedicated exercise and nutrition after 40 plus years of bad habits.
I am going to do the same with some emotional habits.

But we BOTH understand our communication style..

This is a key to any future relationships I will have, whether it be friend, family, business, or the long shot of a new intimate relationship.
Communication is key.
Style is necessary
And if the person thinks communication is irrelevant.
Then "Good day to you my friend."

SH, embrace the tools that you have rather than to try and conform to what you think that you should be...

Yes, to clarify.
My tools to be the best Hero in my story.
I will not conform any longer as that.....that has been the gnawing pain in my heart and soul for far to much of my life.

For me, there are times when I crave the noise, or the external validation. Like any person, I want to hear that I did a good job, I'm a good person, etc....

But I don't always want that. I am quite capable of trusting myself to know that I am a good person, or that I did a good job on something...

I get that from within...

So...HOW do you seek validation ?

How do you communicate ?

Interesting take on this.
It makes complete sense and something I definitely need to clarify in my own mind so that I can demand that of myself and strengthen from within so I know what strengthens me and what does not.

Introverts Unite !!!...Together!!!.........Alone.......

Absolutely!
My readings indicate that there may actually be more introverts in the world than extroverts.
The key is to identify them and work together to enhance our abilities and strengths.

Thank you Mach for guiding me.
I look forward to shaking your hand......