But...if I was faced w/ Mach1's questions...my answer at this point of me would be that I do it for us. I do it for the real her, and, I do it for the real me. I do it for those two confused people who both have no idea wtf is happening. I do it b/c I am out and she is in, but we are both still looking at each other through bars.
Define.....us
Who is "us" right now CT...
What does "us" look like
I'm not saying that either of you is wrong or right with this...
I just really want you to understand what you are doing with this...
To me, it reads like it is a trick, or a ploy to lead them back to you. Like trying to bait a rabbit into a trap.
Silly Rabbit...tricks are for newbs....
Mach1 - Again my apologies, I did not see this when it was posted and thank you pointing that out. RSG, not sure where this will post in your thread, sorry if it comes off like a hijack, just trying to catch what I missed in Mach1's post.
I should say that my wording above was poorly selected. I do not touch her "when I want", taken literally that gives the wrong impression. And by touch I am referring to a brief hand on the back or the arm, I do not stroke her hair back or something like that.I don't plan to touch her and I do not create moments to create the opportunity. Just when it feels appropriate.
Why I do it, she responds positively to it as a person. We do not speak on a deep level these days (although in the past week she has really started to express so very sad realizations about herself to me, I just try to listen). A light touch of the arm or a hand on the back as she vacates my front door has had good results in our communication. And from me, sometimes it helps to show I was paying attention.
First question "define us". As I wrote above, I used "us" to refer to the two people inside of her and I who still feel love and care for one another. The source of that love and care not as in not loss or longing, more as recognition for the damage done.
Who is us right now? There is no "us" right now. Her and I have a child together, her I have debt together, her and I have a history together, but her and I do not have an "us" together other than the "us" as I applied it above. We are two people on our individual journey's.
What does us look like? I am taking this as if you are asking how we behave around one another - is that what you meant? So above I mentioned for "the real me" and the "I am out". I am closer to me each day. Independent, focused, GAL's, etc. etc. I am out of the prison of the fog I was in. She is still inside her fog and will be for a long time. The real me is personable, compassionate, funny, and engaged. I had all of that stuff turned off completely to her (to myself at points). But as my understanding of this situation changed from her having an A to that of her being in a far deeper and darker place inside of herself, I allowed myself to give her some of that personality when appropriate, which from me includes some touches. Not get you into bed touches, but I'm learning to understand all of this touches - I'm alive and so are you touches. Those are primal levels of human expression and part of my personality.
Completely understand why you would say that it seems like a trick. I cannot speak for RSG, but of me, two months ago that would have been true. Thanks for poking this with a stick, saying things out loud does help in understanding.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
