Brian, You can't change what has happened, but in the future, come here to talk about things and do not discuss your situation w/other people as you have discovered, things do get revealed and very quickly. If the co-worker liked your family just so much, she would have kept what you said to herself and not revealed what was told to her by you. The old saying "a dog that brings a bone will carry one" is so true.
Affairs have to die a natural death. If they are exposed, that doesn't necessarily mean that the affair will end. In fact, it may push them together more so because they want to protect each other from the cold, cruel world. As you have now seen, by exposing the affair, your wife is now wanting a divorce within a month. She will use every justification in the book to justify why the affair took place and why she felt the need to so. Of course, it's not you. You didn't put a gun to her head and tell her to this. This affair is all about her.
It's going to be interesting to see how this information plays out in the work place. One may be reassigned to another office and/or building, but they aren't going to be very comfortable being together w/others watching the drama unfold and others whispering and pointing fingers at them. Then again, the om may break it off w/your wife or vice versa.
Brian, the only way your wife sees saving face right now is to talk of a divorce. If she wants one, then allow her to do the heavy lifting for it.
As for the affair partner, well...I would let him sink in his own mess for a while. I wouldn't say one word to his wife because you don't want to get drawn into their drama. For all you know, she may already be on to them and/or has been told of the affair as well. If she should approach you about the situation, then you can share what you know, but I wouldn't be the initiator in advising her of the her husband's affair at this time. Allow the affair drama to play out and die a natural death. It may end sooner than you think now that it's been made public. I would suggest that you start thinking about a consultation w/a lawyer, if you haven't already done so, and get educated on what you are entitled to, just to be on the safe side. Whatever you find out, do not share it w/your wife. This info is for you only right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job-thank you for the kind and well thought out post. I agree, my plan was not to interfere with the affair. I can't discuss the workplace dynamics but I would guess my wife gives 2 weeks notice when she returns. The OM will be bullied, and may also have to resign. Just my hunch...
1. Lawyer consultation- done 2. Rent PO mail box- done 3. Change personal passwords- done 4. Personal checking/savings account- done 5. Personal visa card- done 6. Rent bank security box 7. Scout out 2 bedroom apartment 8. Tell therapist we need to get me mentally prepared for divorce
I was not snooping but I found some paperwork in our common shared desk. The wife had made copys of our monthly expenses and common passwords. Not a big deal, makes sense for someone preparing for post divorce. But I also found a hand written note keeping track of my GAL. Example, Monday bowling, Wednesday brew pub , Sunday golf. She pieced it together from what I told her and bank debt activity. She even listed when I went shoe shopping. Weird..
She reminds me of someone who is trying to keep tabs on her husband. Maybe she thinks you have met someone and having an affair? I know my xh use to call me on the days he worked just before he flew the coop. This was not normal behavior for him the entire time we were married. It was almost like he was hoping to catch me doing something or maybe he figured I was spying on him. Whatever they think, you can best bet they are looking over their shoulders to ensure that we aren't spying on them.
I wouldn't worry too much about her piecing things together. You were doing your normal stuff and keeping your side of the street clean.
Your completed listing is a good one. Now, you just have to make sure you don't leave anything lying around for her to find when she returns home.
Enjoy the rest of the holiday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just catching up with your sitch and thought I would say hey!
I really admire your strength, especially after hearing the a confirmed by someone else. My wh is in utter denial about his ea. even though I have seen texts and been told by a few people about it- yet hearing it sends me into a bit of a rage every time. The A business at work could go either way really. And her announcement that she wants a quick divorce seems quite script (my wh's reaction is the exact same- "it's something I need to do" is his response). A little mind reading here, but I'm guessing that their reaction of wanting a quickie d is just to relieve some of the feelings of guilt that they have.
Well done on the to do list. It does $uck that we are even put into this situation with a D that we don't want; but knowing where we stand legally and having a plan in place does give us the reassurance and a bit of control that we are prepared.
Keep up the good work. The thing with a's is it hopefully means that they will be slapped with the cold hard reality of what they have done at some point.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
As you may recall from my first post. I uncovered a hotel charge that my wife couldn't explain which set off the BD chain of events. Originally she said she purchased it for a co-worker who didn't have a visa card. Now that the details of affair have been exposed at work she admits that was a lie. Now she says the hotel was for her. She needed to get away. She stayed in the room also alone. Still insisting there is no affair. But she has now admitted she is in love with a co-worker..but says he dosnt know..what a hoot!
I was not snooping but I found some paperwork in our common shared desk. The wife had made copys of our monthly expenses and common passwords. Not a big deal, makes sense for someone preparing for post divorce. But I also found a hand written note keeping track of my GAL. Example, Monday bowling, Wednesday brew pub , Sunday golf. She pieced it together from what I told her and bank debt activity. She even listed when I went shoe shopping. Weird..
OMG I would have SO MUCH FUN with this
I'd wake up in the middle of the night, go to a Buddhist temple, lay flowers on the ground outside, stand there for 10 minutes solemnly, then quietly go home.
I'd go to a bookstore and order all kinds of books about aardvarks. Lots of them. Then I'd go to a pet store, fill a suitcase full of empty ant farms, then go put them into a short term storage shed.
I would start a journal that would be sure to be found near your computer and just have odd phrases written repeatedly like "don't go into the shadows tonight, don't go into the shadows tonight" in all kinds of sizes across multiple pages.
Shoot, it's almost worth getting remarried just to pull some of this off...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'd wake up in the middle of the night, go to a Buddhist temple, lay flowers on the ground outside, stand there for 10 minutes solemnly, then quietly go home.
I'd go to a bookstore and order all kinds of books about aardvarks. Lots of them. Then I'd go to a pet store, fill a suitcase full of empty ant farms, then go put them into a short term storage shed.
I would start a journal that would be sure to be found near your computer and just have odd phrases written repeatedly like "don't go into the shadows tonight, don't go into the shadows tonight" in all kinds of sizes across multiple pages.
Shoot, it's almost worth getting remarried just to pull some of this off...
You have a good imagination and sense of humor..that brought tears to my eyes, the good kind..tears of laughter..
