I'm back! Shortly after the holidays I got a problem with my eye and was forbidden to read, do sports, lift stuff, etc. It was really annoying as there was so much to do at home, at work and also a lot of catching up to do on this site. Well, doctors were very strict. I still need to take it easy though and cannot do sports. That's a big problem because not doing sports I find myself being much more emotional.
So, our holidays were really nice. I was uneasy about going until the very last day but it turned out to be nice. The kids were happy that we went the 4 of us and I must admit that me too. It was not as before but it still felt right.
We did have one incident when my son forgot a knife that he bought as a souvenir in his backpack and the airport security found it. The security guys were really nice and tried to persuade us to mail it home so he does not have to part with it. He was very attached to it. My son never asks for anything, never made any scene about wanting something etc. and this time he was just standing there, really sad, not saying anything. My h left the second they got the knife out of his backpack and let me deal with it. I went to ask him what we do as one of us had to go and mail it (just outside security check). He asked me rather aggressively if it was his fault. I said calmly that it wasn't but we need to deal with it, cannot send a 13yo to do that. He told me that he would have to wait again in the line for security check and we could miss the plane to which a security guys said they will escort him so no need to worry about it (and we still had 2 hours to boarding anyway). Then he said the post office may be closed. They told him it was not an issue, it's a 24/7 service. So then he went. Coming back (7minutes later) started to tell me something regarding this very aggressively from far away. I told him that he won't yell at me and the conversation is over. Then he was all upset sitting at the gate further away from us, so stupid me, I wanted to make him feel better and tell him how much his son appreciated it etc. I should have known better. It was all my fault. I always decide things my way and he needs to execute my orders. He's just a service provider to us... I got really upset that it's not just me who he treats like this but also his son. So I told him a few things I thought about him and his state (a little slip on my side...). Then we didn't talk until lending when I asked what do we do, do we take cab or... He started to yell at me, asking if I really think that after such a violent attack on him he will talk to me normally etc. He then told me that he does not want me in his life and I should finally face it. That he cannot stand me.
That was the only part of the holidays when we stayed with friends so when we came to their place I played it cool. But then did not talk to him once we were in our room alone. After some time he tells me good night. So I replied good night. And he started apologizing. That he knows it's not just me and he's sorry. I cut him off, told him I'm tired and in no mood to discuss it but he needs to do something about himself because I will not tolerate such behavior towards me, neither kids anymore (he had one incident with each of them too during the first week of holidays too).
We never came back to it and the rest of holidays went fine. Even though he is not himself, he kept forgetting everything, was very tired and the only time when he was alive again was in a city where he studied for 3 years and he wanted to show us everything. And some things he wanted to show specifically to me (progress!).
When we arrived home, he put his suitcases in his car and left right away. I said bye and once he was safely gone I lost it. Could not stop crying. It was so weird to be back to reality as it is now after spending almost one month as a family again. But then in the evening, when I was in my bed alone, I felt relieved. Really strange.
Something must have changed for him though. Since the trip, he contacts kids all the time (well, via texts to s15 as s13 is quite distant now with him). Comes to see them almost every day. And was very present helping me, bringing me to the doctor, emergency etc. when I had the eye problem.
I'll journal more soon.
Job, thank you for the link. I read it some months ago when I discovered the site and it's always good to re-read. I read it during holidays (when he could not see what I'm reading). What I meant in my post though was looking specifically for the yellow skin around the eyes - part of depression symptoms? I dint't find it anywhere but remember reading it somewhere... Even though I did not find the reference to it in the link, I was happy you posted it. After the incident we had it was really helpful to remind myself what he's going through...
