Taking my first sip of the water

[ATPeace]

I am ok thank you sorry I have not posted I have started now two long posts and both managed to delete before I was able to post them I will post tonight

Thank you for looking in

Ghost

[ATPeace]

Hi ok so I put together a lengthy reply and for one reason or another it did not save it so here goes again not sure if it will be the same but anyway ....

I have been watching the ted talk YouTube and they do make sence I just feel that it is going to be a very lengthy process for me to move in any direction I have been looking for ted talk that might inspire me

So I am stuck here because I am not willing to move on forwards and I am not sure what it is going to take for me to actually get off my ass and do something ... I realise I need to do something as right now nothing works a changing for the better and I have been feeling extreemly unhappy

My W is still full of resentiment and anger mainly towards me and her moods and how she snaps at everyone is starting to break me down today I actually started to feel dislike towards her and I had momentary feelings of I am actually done with this

I am a good man and my W has made me feel like [censored]
I love my children and I realise it has been a long time since I have been happy

I still want to stand for our marriage and I will become the best person that I can however it is starting to get to the point where I have to bite my lip as
I can see animosity building between the two of us sometimes

I will check back in again later

Thank you for sticking with me I will get through this one way or another

[MoveFrwd]

I have been feeling extremely unhappy

I realise I need to do something

I am not sure what it is going to take for me to do something

I am not willing to move on forwards

Cant you see that you are doing this to yourself?
You are camping in a tunnel with no cheese hoping it will show up.

[SH_]

Good evening G!

I am ok thank you sorry I have not posted I have started now two long posts and both managed to delete before I was able to post them I will post tonight

Thank you for looking in

Ghost

I am glad to hear you are doing okay.
Why not take some time and re write the long posts?
Repetition may be good for you now.

Ok,so I see myself,thanking people,for,their help but then going and doing very little,to move forwards

I see myself starting to be positive and I want to do the right things but then I fall back in fear and end up circling around

You have a point here.
You appreciate the advice, but no action follows.
Your words do come out a little positive, and then you do get stuck wallowing......

My point in asking you to review both posts, was that your first post made a commitment.......to yourself about yourself.

So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.

Your last post was all about your WAW and your obsessive desire to get something back as it relates to a MR.
Most of the posts in between are about your WAW and your focus on her.
Several posts started out about the work you wanted to do, but then it circled back to her and the sitch.

You appear to have taken one sip of the water, spit it out and are back to basically telling everyone that it is not the water you want, again.
Still thirsty aren't you?

Ghost, this ongoing behavior for 4 plus years is a big reason I continue to ask about your efforts to see an IC.

I have been to see my doctor but I do not want to start Anti depressants the Ic that I have been seeing has mainly talked about the marrage my low feelings are some times but normally not talked about

My doctor did not think I was depressed how would I know for sure she said to me would I like to go on some antidepressants and I said at the moment I don't feel like I need them she said you do not need to get the very bottom and sometimes it is better to take them I did not feel they would help I do not think they are going to make my situation any better I do not feel that I need to take drugs at this stage

I hope that answers your question

Thank you

Alright G,
It appears that you ask your doctor about it.
Typically as I learned a MD will use a series of questions as outlined in the medical world to help determine if AD's are needed. That is basically all they do.
MD's are not specialized normally to actually diagnose a depressive disorder and even when the patient answers the questions in a manner, all they do is prescribe meds.

IMHO, this is not really helpful and most of us would not prefer meds.
I was prescribed them, but I refused to take them until I met with an IC for over a month.

But my point is that I want to urge that you see an IC and maybe even an psychiatrist as they will work to assist you while diagnosing you.

Understand me, that the IC I encourage is not an MC, nor an IC that specializes in relationship situations.
Seek out an IC that can work with you on why you are paralyzed with fear, anxiety and low self esteem.
Would you agree these are huge challenges in your day to day life?
I would even challenge you to look at these and ask if they have been part of you for much longer than your MR sitch.
Best case, you do not have any issues that can not be overcome with some simple counseling. Maybe even some CBT will help without meds. Also, through this a sound diagnosis will help if meds were indeed needed.
But I say let a professional that specializes with this do the work and guide you.

Being frozen with the fear and inability to get up and do something to move forward does not appear to the many of us here as something of benefit nor even normal.

You have continued to display the exact behaviors that MWD talks about for the LBH that creates the WAW. The sad part, is you have continued to do so after the BD.
Why Ghost?
Why?
You in essence are self sabotaging yourself and your family being stuck in this place.
Is this by concours choice?
Or is it possible a professional could help you?

I want to tell you that I think it is deeper than you simply just choosing not to try.
Because choosing not to try is very selfish.
Only you know if this is true though.

If you really want what you have been saying that you want for the past year here in the forums, then I would expect that there would be some effort.
I have not seen another LBS, simply give no efforts. Even the ones that toss their hands in the air and give up on the MR, did so with effort.

My only thought, is you have a potential disorder that you need to seek assistance with. Meds are not the only answer.
Therapy and counseling sessions all can assist someone in your sitch.
I am not encouraging meds nor judging here. I know that mental disorders can be looked down on my some.
But I am a firm believer that it is no different than a physical disorder, and that is not something to look down on.
I only think it is time for you to turn over another stone, so you can find the help and strength needed.
Please, at least make the effort to really find out why you are so afraid of things that have not happened, and unable to commit to doing those things to help yourself and trying things that have been proven to help you and your family.
Please.
Please.

Ghost, what do you have to lose??

I really am praying for you with all my heart.
It is one of the saddest things that I have seen and I just don't think you should continue to sit there and try nothing.
Doing something and failing is better than standing there frozen in fear all of the time.

You deserve it, your children deserve it, your W deserves it.

Please Ghost, it is time to be ATPeace with yourself, but that will never happen if you don't make a serious and consistent move forward.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Lao Tzu

I am here to listen to you, pray for you guide you based on my experiences, but Ghost, I unfortuwynaly cannot do the needed work for you.
You must commit and stick to it.
It is the only way my friend.
It is the only way.

[sandi2]

Can you advise Ghost how he can be referred to or find a qualified therapist? Not a marriage counselor. According to what Ghost reported, I think he approached his IC as though he was there for his M problems. Even when I pleaded with him to see a therapist about his racing, cycling & hoarding thoughts........it was unclear that anything other than the MR was discussed. I encouraged him to seek CBT, and the way his C responded was very strange.

Ghost, how many sessions of IC have you actually attended? When you left the board for awhile, you said you would go.......but, did you?

[SH_]

Hello my friend.
You have become silent?

What has your attention now?

Why are you avoiding the benefit that a good IC can provide for you?
Can we guide you in the manner for seeking one out that can help you take some action for yourself?

Ghost, you need to take an active role in progressing.
We can support you and be here, but you will need to put one foot in front of the other.

I pray for you my friend.
I know there is more to you that meets the eye here.
What will you do next?

[ATPeace]

Hi

So I want to answer some of the points above but am unsure where to begin so I will just dive in and try and cover all the things mentioned

I went to the doctor and he refer e me to CBT therapy when I was assessed for cut he told me that it is not what I need and that at this point it will not help me as I am fixated on trying to hang on to my marriage

I have had about 12 sessions of IC
Most of them have been me going round and round trying to find a way to win my W back and get her to change her mind and work on the relationship

My current IC has been very helpful and we often talk about many different things and I believe that I will be able to talk to her about my fears of being alone.

So to sound like a broken record I have only ever had the one partner so my fear of loosing her is real what if I could never meet another person again

I feel pretty low about my looks I am overweight and still struggle with this I would have thought if I ever needed the motivation to do something it would be this

I am scared that the longer I am doing this the more distant she is getting

I want to fix this I am a fixer in my job but I cannot fix this

I feel not talking about our problems with each other is not addressing them like pushing them under the counter yet when we have talked it gets us nowhere

So I know sandis rules do not believe what she is saying yet this is hard she has told me that she will not change her mind ...in my experience she has never changed her mind so....why would she now or in the future

Changing the subject I met with a new client yesterday female and we struck it off really well together I was able to breath and be free to be myself this meeting was not about dating or me trying to impress a female but I was able to build a connection....I was happy and she was laughing and smiling at my humor and I realised just how unhappy my W is right now. So I guess what I am trying to say is I have no problem talking to females and if they look deeper than my looks then I am a really nice guy who ...tbh is not ugly I have very low self-esteem

So why am I so afraid to take the first step ...fear of loosing what I still have which is very little.

W says she still loves me probably always will but she has so much resentment and bitterness and she wants to live apart from me she wants to be herself live her life without me she feels that while she lives in the same house she cannot be herself.

The only way forward is putting the house in the market and giving her what she wants.

I am seeing my IC on Friday and I will make this session about my fears of what has not happened,

How important are looks to a woman I do not know why I ask this I am not looking for another relationship

All my W wants is equality me doing my share with the kids and the house

I am so scared that the further apart we get the more likely she will find herself falling for someone else and I cannot stop this

At least I can write this this morning from a state of calm without crying

[ATPeace]

There is defiantly more to me than this

I am here

So what questions do I ask my IC on Friday I want this session to be about me rather than about the marriage

[SH_]

G,

Look at your issues with fear, and obsessive thoughts about W, your looks, your fear etc like a physical ailment.

I went to the doctor and he refer e me to CBT therapy when I was assessed for cut he told me that it is not what I need and that at this point it will not help me as I am fixated on trying to hang on to my marriage

If you go to one doctor and tell him you are having horrible stomach pains, or headaches or what have you.
He checks you out and says that he can not see anything and it is just gas.
What do you do?

What you do is you go get another opinion.
You know dang well it is not gas.
Just like now you know dang well what you need to do, but a four letter F word has you paralyzed.
And you know that it is False Evidence Appearing Real.
It is in your head because it is not real that which you say you are afraid of.

What you have been writing and obsessing here for over a year indicates you need some assistance.
You are fixated on trying to save your M.
But why?
Because of what appears to be some deep seeded issues with yourself.
maybe print some of the things you have written here over the past year and share it with the IC.

I will return tomorrow with some thoughts and guidance as it relates to finding an IC that can help you.
Meanwhile read what MWD says about seeking an MC, but adjust the suggestions for an IC.
Things like solution based and forward thinking.
You can't keep wallowing in the past.

Also you must be honest and dig deep with the IC.
They can't help it you don't put it all out on the table.

I got to hit the hay as work comes early for me tomorrow.

[ATPeace]

Hi

I feel that I am getting close to the end

I have tried to change become a better person I have tried to show my W how sorry I am for letting her down I have tried to keep a connection and it is not helping

My W and I are getting more and more distant or so it feels and this is heartbreaking

It hurts when I can see she reads my msg yet does not reply ( power and control ?)

I do not want for my family to breakup but I have no control of this outcome as she has already made this decision.

I am ready to do whatever needs to be done she wants seperate houses it feels time to give her what she wants

I am Struggling at the moment and I feel so alone