A WW? (3)

[lt0402]

Ok, so had the conversation with W tonight. Started out with a quick summary of the ways I've mistreated and ignored D and her over the years. Then she asked me what my plan was. I started to talk and she cut me off. I listened and when she stopped I asked her to please not cut me off again.

I told her that I don't believe that divorce is the answer to our problems. She said she can't live for one more minute with me in this house. I told her that if she felt she needed to leave she was more than welcome to and I'm more than capable of taking care of D full time.

She starts interupting me again, so I get up and tell her that we can finish this conversation tomorrow night. Then i leave and go upstairs. 2 minutes later I get a text saying "Please come back, I won't interrupt" then another saying "I'm sorry". Wait a couple minutes then I go back down.

I reiterate that if she feels she needs to go then she can, but she can't take D with her. I tell her this divorce is her choice and I'm not going to leave my house. She asks me why I would make this so difficult and why I'm being unfair. I tell her again that this is her choice and if she doesn't want to be here then she can go but without D.

She starts to cry and goes into detail again on how she's been telling me for years that this is over, and we both knew we were just together bc of D (news to me) the past 5 yrs. she tells me how horrible I've been, how D has repeatedly asked her to have me find somewhere else to live, and how there is 0 chance we are still married on her 40th birthday.

We start to go into her view of timing of the OM situation and its the changing timeline again. She says this has 0 to do with is getting divorced, etc. Same story but with different dates. we stop rehashing that issue (very tired of it right now) and we talk more on custody.

W says we need to keep her in one household to sleep every night. W would be that primary household. I can see her 1hr every evening and every other weekend. I tell W that's not how it works and she will be splitting time bt our households, on both weekends and weekdays. W says that's not good for D bc of the instability it brings. Not being able to help myself I ask W how she can view that as unstable when the choice she's making for divorce causes so much more instability.

W rehashes all of my faults towards her and D over the years. No other husband or father would treat their W and D that way. Etc. etc. she says she sees me changing but bc she doesn't trust me I've lost anymore chances. She says that D also does not trust me, doesn't believe I can take care of her, and it will take a long time to get that back. That's why D can't live with me.

I tell her that I hear her and get her frustration but Ds and my relationship is firm and getting firmer by the day. W says that she's been the 99% caregiver for D and there's no way I'd get sole custody. I tell her I'm fine with sole custody but a 50/50 split seems more fair to both of us. W says don't make D choose who she wants to live with bc I know it'll be W. She says a majority of the time will be with her. I tell her that probably changes when she goes back to work and I've changed my work schedule to be more amenable to Ds schedule.

I tell W that regardless, we need to get D in front of an IC sooner rather than later. We need to build a strong foundation for her bc it only gets rougher from here. W says "you know they won't tell us what she says in there, right?" I say yes (unsure if that's true) but D needs a neutral party to talk stuff through with. W says we need to tell D if we are going to put her in front of an IC. Then W says that after we tell D, W will judge if D needs to go to an IC or not. I tell her no, D needs to go regardless. She says D won't open up to a stranger so it's pointless. I tell her that they can work around that and she needs to go and we stop there.

W brings up that the parents of 2 of Ds best friends are physically separating next weekend. That's two other families being ripped apart. Ughhhh. Apparently they are telling their kids this weekend so W is worried about D asking questions. She said she'd never talk to D about it without me. I tell her I appreciate that and please do not.

W asks why I'm stalling the divorce process. I say this is not my choice and I know divorce is not the answer to our problems. This is her choice and if she would like to see it move forward then she needs to move it. W goes into a tirade saying that I'm playing the victim and as always I'm unwilling to accept any blame. I tell her I readily accept my issues and failures over the years and have been working hard to fix them. I tell her we have never chosen to fix our M and everything is not as black and white as she's made it out to be. I tell her it's a mistake not to try to fix this. She says she is fixing this and this is the only way out. I tell her that it hurts me to see her feel so hopeless about our M.

I say that I think this is a horrible choice she's making. It's a horrible decision for her, D, and myself and I don't agree with it. That was met by silence and her staring away.

I again tell her that this is her choice and I'm not going to proactively push this thing forward. However, I both love and respect her enough that I won't keep her from going if that's her choice. I tell her that if she needs financial documents please give me the list and I will provide them. (She'd mentioned needing these earlier).

She sat there quietly after I said those last few things staring forward. I said them and just got straight up and went upstairs. It felt good to stick up for my M, even if it may have fallen on deaf ears.

Held my emotions in check. Didn't change my tone of voice or lose my cool. But man, when I got up and came upstairs I went in the bathroom and just wanted to cry. Not for my W, but for the uncertainty that my D is being thrust into. It's just so freaking unfair. Tearing up typing that just now.

Overall though that conversation was different. I felt more in control. I felt prepared and ready to confront her. She can't be happy with my view on custody, but I really don't care. My D and I need time together for both of us to have balance. Neither of us should need to give that up bc of Ws decisions. I also worry about D being with W full time and am realizing that is definitely not healthy. W also brought up how MC would never help multiple times in the conversation. I didn't mention MC a single time.

Gym in the morning then fishing with D. D and I fished today and caught 8 fish in the river (sunfish, smallmouth) near the house. A great time. Spent most of the day just D and me. Was an awesome time!

Don, MV, and Vise, you all are extremely appreciated and really helped me prepare for that conversation. I owe everyone here more than I can every fully repay. Thanks to everyone for your support!

P.s. Don, yeah, I need to mix it up. Think I'm realizing donuts 2 weekends in a row may be too much!