Hello Everyone! I need help and advice. My husband just turned 45, bought a corvette in June, and lost both parents a year ago. 1 week after his 45 birthday in August he told me he was unhappy and leaving. He moved out on Sunday!
Wow -- all the time together and this is the first I hear of it. Sure, we were not as intense as we were when we first married. We both worked full time, I am recovering from lung cancer (nonsmoker), and we let life get the way. He refuses counseling and states he is just done with attachments. He is ready to be single again.
Supposedly there is no one -- he just needs to find himself and discover who he is. Which includes him moving to a rent free condo in downtown Houston -- until December. His boss was gracious enough to let him stay in a spare condo.
At the moment -- he is helping to pay bills and is being really attentive with our daughter, but do I just give up and let my marriage fall away?
I have never felt so alone or heartbroken. He was my best friend and I probably devoted too much time to his interests and managing the house. Is there any hope ??? I read the rules and trying to limit contact unless he initiates it.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I'm sorry you are here, but you are going to meet some wonderful people who are walking the path right now and some who have crossed the finish line. Each and every poster is a success, i.e., whether they reconciled w/their spouses or not.
From what you posted, it does sound like your h is in crisis mode. So, I'm going to post the "Welcome Thread" that Cadet usually posts to all newbies. I don't know if Cadet will be along later, as the east coast is bracing for the tropical storm this weekend.
So here is the "Welcome Thread". I encourage you to do the homework reading and if you have more questions, etc., please do not be afraid to ask them. Take some time to read the threads and educate yourself as much as possible on depression, as depression is the main ingredient of MLC, and most importantly familiarize yourself w/MLC. No two people will go through the crisis the same, the crisis will be over when the MLCer decides, their clock is very, very slow and we can't rush the process, nor can we snap them out of it. This is the time for you to focus on yourself.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Amy, I'm sorry you are here but also happy that you found this forum so fast. I wish I knew about it 2+ years ago when my h's MLC started. I would have avoided a lot of mistakes... I don't post much (not very good at expressing my feelings in writing) but I follow a lot of threads & it's really helping. When you see that situations of many of us are so similar to yours you will feel less alone. Reading here what other MLCers say and realising that it's identical to what your h says to you will also make you realise that it's not you, it's him. It doesn't hurt less to hear those things from your h but it's strangely comforting to know that it's the "disease" talking. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for this but being here will hopefully make it easier for you. Job has always great advice and there are many really wonderful and supportive people here. Keep posting. Sending some strength your way. Bee
Yes Your H does sound very MLC Sometimes the death of a parent will start the crises-and he has both parents pass and the corvette also fits right in
None of us gave right up- we practiced working on ourselves. some LBS try different strategies to see if anything will work to bring H closer work on creating a friendship with H MLC can take 2-7 years for them to resolve,, some will return or try to sometimes its the LBS that moves on
But some things may help you and the transition of the M
learn about MLC Detatch and let go focus on yourself and your new life take care of you,, eat, sleep rest pray (if you have a relationship with God) work on yourself validate and listen to him Create new activities for you Protect your assets therapy individual and or group be there for your Daughter do not initiate relationship talks Do not try to talk H into seeing he has a MLC no snooping, or begging
Keep posting
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you everyone! It has been really hard to not contact him, but I have succeeded for the moment. He comes tomorrow to pick up some furniture (had to rent a truck bc he can't haul anything in his corvette) and take our daughter for the rest of the long weekend.
I am going to try to be very pleasant and not angry. I have read through a lot of the links and I really appreciate all the information.
I have even went to open a new account and transfer in money to pay the bills -- since this is still my responsibility. Previously he stated he wanted to file for divorce next month, but we have not discussed that since he left. I also joined a local suport group, the gym, and went to see my GP last week do to not being able to sleep or eat.
Just trying to stay busy so I do not think about him. Nights are the worst since we were never apart (except for when I was in the hospital). Most of my adult life was spent with him. Next month would have been 17 years.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
That is so good.. Its hard to eat- many LBS loose a lot of weight- just try to take care of yourself
It gets easier in time and usually the LBS lands on their feet -- better than they were before and our kids do benefit from seeing and witnessing and stable strong parent, especially while the other parent goes off to play
I remember also being afraid at night and driving alone at night was very strange But in time many of us transition to doing all things again-alone confidently Enjoy your day- Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Well he has officially fully moved out. He came, we made polite small talk, and he took his stuff. No discussing of the future, us, or how he is doing since he left. And especially no tears -- which I'm proud of.
I even put my best face forward and tried to look the best I could -- without over doing it. This imposter is not the man I married. He is not the person I spent the last 14 or so years with. This imposter slowly invaded and it breaks my heart.
Do they ever come back? Or is this the way he will be from now on. I know I should not want someone that does not want me, but I do.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I think you have done a great job with all you're going through, and you've caught on quickly to the 'rules'. I'm proud of you.
Your family has had more than its share of struggles and heartache, compound that with hitting the mid 40s, and escape to a newer life can sound pretty good. I bet the thought may have crossed your own mind but your sense of love for your family and responsibility stopped you from beating him to it. And maybe fear of what you would lose.
Now the loss has happened, we know what the bad news is, and I'm not minimizing it. But the good news is, amongst all of the responsibility you have -- you get to reinvent yourself a bit. To bring back that spark, that feeling of 'you' inside.
What does your best you look like? What would you just love to be doing, saying?
Spouses very often do come back for better or worse. Do everything you can to enjoy being you. He might not see every detail but he will get the sense of the changes you're making. Do them (the things you love) for yourself so you will enjoy your life. And when you do, there is nothing more attractive. You will radiate confidence and glow.
Another benefit of that is your daughter will see how to handle heartaches and setback and she is at such a critical age.
I know you can do it from what you've posted. You 'get it'. You deserve the best.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Amy - sorry you find yourself here but you are amongst a kind and very supportive group of people.
First of all, AWESOME job not crying and not attempting to "reason" with your h. We call this acting "as if." It means we act as if everything is a ok. In the beginning it is an act as we are all in terrible pain. But keep taking one step at a time and I promise, before you know it, it won't be an act anymore.
Yes, some MLCErs do come back. However, as Job would tell you, no one can tell who will do so (which is why you focus on you). Some return close to who they were. Some keep traits from MLC. And yes, some get stuck like a scratch in a record.
MLC is a huge mixture of depression and confusion. Logic is gone, as you can see for yourself! Replay is where the MLCer makes a complete fool of him/herself. He's been headed this way for a long while. If you read about the stages, you'll begin to piece together that your h was in denial and anger years ago. There's nothing you did to cause it and there's no way you could stop it.
Read, read, read all that info Cadet sent you. Focus on taking care of you and your daughter. Exercise, eat well and try to get sleep. Keep busy, called GAL here, meaning "get a life" so that you keep yourself very occupied. Post often. And do not contact him unless it is pertinent: something pertaining to finances or your child.
And yes, you are so right, this is NOT the man you want. He needs to go through this and see if he can fix this himself.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
